Page 68 of Pandion

Chapter 26

By the time Kagesawa realised it was getting late, Satoru was no longer around.

Was the inattentiveness getting worse? As far as Kagesawa was aware, DEFD wasn’t supposed to be a progressive disorder. Having to dampen took some effort, so perhaps between that and the conversation he was having, a third thing was too much to ask? He’d declined the drinks to make sure he was doing a proper job, but he’d underestimated how tired he was.

Since Satoru had apparently already left, it didn’t make sense to stick around, even if the tech discussion had been a welcomebut bittersweet distraction. He thanked his present company and excused himself.

Kagesawa had a rough idea of the direction he was supposed to go, but the exact route to their assigned rooms was a mystery. It would have been easy to ask Satoru, but this was not a big enough emergency to risk projecting. It would take a little longer, but he’d find it on his own, and if he was lucky, Satoru would be asleep by the time he got there.

Following the signage, Kagesawa found himself up on the skybridge. No matter how absent-minded he was, the view from up here was too spectacular to miss, so he was fairly sure this was not the route he’d taken with Satoru.

According to the information plaque at the lifts, he was 75 metres above ground, two-thirds up the height of the two buildings. Where he stood, he could see the front entrance of the campus, all the way to the river and somewhat beyond.

The grounds were empty save for one or two people bracing themselves through the gusts of wind, hurrying back to their dorm rooms. There was no one save for Kagesawa on this floor or the skybridge. It was quiet.

The lights had been turned down for the night, with only the guiding strips along the corridors lit. The skybridge branches were aglow and visible, and it was easier to appreciate the effect from this relative darkness.

Kagesawa walked onto the bridge and to a vantage point where he could see the dorm he was supposed to be heading to, along with a chunk of the park and its billowing trees. Outside the campus, there were some signs of disarray, but the weather had probably played some part in it. It was supposed to be spring even if the chill of the past two days hadn’t really reflected it.

The wind died down for a moment and, for a moment, Kagesawa felt calm. It had been an extraordinarily long day.

What was he anyway, an immature brat? As soon as something was forbidden, it was all he could think about. He was perpetually tempted to stop dampening to seek out Satoru, to scratch that out-of-reach itch.

At least this moment of calm finally gave him a breather from obsessing over the fate of the feedback loop. Even if they managed to suppress the organism somehow, the feedback loop was probably a thing of the past. It was a shame, but after grieving for it most of the evening, he figured he’d learn to live without it.

As for the link itself, he’d mentally prepared himself for life without it when he’d ripped off the port, but he wasn’t sure he’d be able to let go of it as easily again. Would things still be even remotely the same without the link and its influence? Satoru had certainly mentioned it many enough times: this was all Kagesawa. He was the one initiating it. Satoru was more of a passenger.

Presumably he would have left if he’d absolutely hated it, but maybe without the link it would be more of a nuisance? Kagesawa was well aware he could be ‘a bit much’, so how much was too much? How much did he need to tone it down? What was still acceptable?

He leaned over the handrail and pulled at his hair out of frustration. Ah dammit, this really wasn’t the time for this. He needed to stop being such an arse and snap out of i—

“Are you all right?” Satoru’s question thoroughly startled Kagesawa to the point he nearly fell over.

“Sh— f— Satoru! When did you get here?”

“Just now.” He was a little out of breath, so his arrival should have been obvious. “Did you want to be left alone? I can leave. I was worried since you were taking so long, but if you’re OK…”

“I’m fine. I just have a lot on my mind.”

“If you’re worried about the organism, we can meet up with Hase-sensei and Fujitani-sensei tomorrow to discuss it. We’ll think of something.”

“Yes, sure.” Was he still wearing the suit? Yes, yes, he was. Tie included. Kagesawa turned his focus to the view ahead. Trees. A statue. Streetlights. Anything but Satoru.

“All right, well…” He was about to turn and leave, right? Go already, go! Kagesawa gripped the handrail, knuckles turning white. “...don’t disappear on me again.” Satoru’s voice sounded weaker yet more urgent than usual.

Kagesawa couldn’t not look.

In this light, it was difficult to see his face properly, but something was definitely off.

“Look, I’ve got to make sure. Do you mean that in earnest, or is it a backward hint that I should leave?” Kagesawa knew he was prone to missing hints and couldn’t afford to misread this one. Maybe if he stopped dampening for a second, it’d be more clear. He didn’t dare.

“There’s no hidden meaning. I’m scared shitless you’ll leave.” Satoru’s words didn’t leave much room for interpretation, but without seeing his face and feeling him through the link, they sounded unreal. He wouldn’t lie, though, would he? Why would he?

“I wasn’t going to.” Although for the time being, that might have been the smart choice. Satoru was right there. All he had to do was reach out.

“You’ve been distant all day, especially since you started dampening. It’s felt like you might off and disappear at any moment. I know we can’t use the link, but could you tell me if something’s wrong? Is it Takazaki? Is it this place, or Yajima? I’ve come to realise I can’t read you at all after relying on the link for so long.” Satoru took a step closer, seemingly to catch a better look at Kagesawa’s face.

“Ah, yeah, there’s something, but you don’t have to worry about it.” He was most certainly not going to open up about it. This was not the time or the place. Not when there were so many more appropriate things he should have been thinking about under these circumstances.

---