Page 84 of Aching for His Discretion

But I knew better…I should’ve known better.Yet, when he approached me slowly and was within arm’s reach, I felt myself being drawn to him—drawn to the man who just traumatized me for the rest of my life; drawn to the man who played mind games with me… lied to me… manipulated me.

He leaned down slightly, and I let Grayson down on the floor as I gazed up at him, my face red, filled with dried tears, and my bottom lip still wobbly. Soon, he wrapped his arms around me, and I placed mine around his neck as I sobbed into his shoulder.He shushed me softly as if I shouldn’t have been as afraid as I was.

This had to be some kind of psychological warfare I was putting myself through. My brain constantly forces me to run and get away from this man. Yet, my heart felt full at our close proximity, at his gentle hands that caressed me but held me in a chokehold not even three hours ago.

“Tesoro,” he muttered, and I heaved heavily as memories ofeverythingcame crashing down on me: my brothers, Mitchel, Alec, Dr. Harrington, our trip in Greece, Mr. John. I felt like I was suffocating.

Levi had broken me. But… I couldn’t tell if it was in his intentions to do so or not. I didn’t know what to think, who to trust, or what to do. I had trusted him…I still trust him. More than everyone else… and he knew it. He still knows it.

He knows that’s why I can’t stay away. Why he can manipulate me into whatever he pleases. For some sick and twisted reason, I had already known it. I knew it from the beginning, I knew it when I began falling for him… and I knew it when I’d completely fallen in love.

It was the following day, and I called in sick as I genuinely wasn’t feeling myself. My emotional support kitty followed me everywhere, and I didn’t mind the company at all.

Sitting in the living room, I did a bit of homework and flashcards as Grayson lay in my lap. Thinking back to last night, every time I did, it made my heart race and my hands sweaty. When Grayson sensed it, he would rub his little head under my chin as if he wanted to distract me.My good boy.

When I finished my work, I sighed as I looked through my computer absentmindedly. Soon, I found myself looking at the different residency programs nearby.

It was early, I know. But after rotating in OB/GYN a month or two ago, I became obsessed. I had already talked to my advisors to schedule more rotations in OB/GYN and started looking at potential hospitals to do residency.

However, I felt conflicted. I didn’t know if I wanted to stay in New York, go back to Illinois, or go someplace different. Closing my laptop, I sighed. All three had their positives and negatives… but there was one factor that was at the top of the list with all other things considered.

Hearing the front door open, I looked over to see Levi walking in. He made eye contact with me for a moment, and I bit my lip. He was said “factor.” The man who had me in a chokehold… both literally at times and figuratively, was a crucial part of one of the most important decisions in my life.

He walked over to me slowly and stood in front of me. Slowly, he ran his hands through my hair and moved my head so I was gazing up at him.

“Hi, pretty girl…” he muttered, and even after the traumatic night I’d just had, after essentially losing my best friend and learning the worst about the man I loved, my heart fluttered.

“Hi,” I whispered as he leaned down and he placed a small kiss on my lips. He then placed his forehead against mine.

“Did you eat this morning?” he asked, and I shook my head.

“I… didn’t have much of an appetite,” I whispered, and he nodded as he grabbed my hand in his and stood me up as I carried Grayson along.

We entered the kitchen, and I sat on the stool as I watched Levi walk around. Deciding to speak about last night was going to be rather… difficult. But my kitty assured me with his head rubs as he rested in my lap that I would be okay.

“So... I don’t know if you remember, but I’m on a psychiatry rotation right now,” I began, and he nodded as he cut up some fruit. “And while I was doing some studying… I thought about you… and about last night,” I said.

He remained silent as he looked at me for a brief moment.

“I know… it’s not practical for me to say this, and I may be completely wrong… but when you are angry, Levi, when you are in the middle of… hurting someone, I think you tend to dissociate. You disconnect from the situation or your surroundings, and you don’t really understand the results of your actions. You don’t really have any regard if what you do is right or wrong, and… I think you tend to hurt the ones you love in the process,” I said, biting my lip as I felt a small tear wanting to fall as he placed the fruit in the bowl. I had a feeling that was whoel Diavolowas: that dark and twisted part he was able to tap into when committing vile and horrific acts of violence.

“I ignored these thoughts after our trip… and after yesterday, I realized that…” I began.

He set the fruit in front of me and pushed a piece of hair out of my face softly.

“You what, Tesoro?”

“I think… you may need professional help.”

He took in a deep sigh before twirling a piece of my hair.

“I am the way I am for a reason, Tesoro. My line of work requires it.”

I bit my lip as my hands grew a bit clammy. “And... you pushed me in front of a dying man yesterday and forced me to save him from what you did to him.”

“He wanted to hurt you, Teegan.”

“And at the same time,youhurt me, Levi,” I admitted, and he paused for a moment, slowly retracting his hand from me in the process.

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