Page 18 of A Wolf in the Garden

“Orders are orders. They are as binding as any other magic, Cam. You can’t just go against them, not unless you break away from the pack.”

“Christ.”

I nod, my face buried in my hands once again. I don’t need to explain to Cam how I split the pack six months ago. He already knows all those details. He also knows that I could have done it sooner, and now that I’ve reconnected with Ellie again, the guilt that I feel about not fighting for her, about not breaking freeearlier, eats me alive.

“I don’t know how to make it right,” I admit.

Cam is silent for a long time, but finally says, “I’m no expert on these matters. I’m divorced, aye? But you could start with an apology.”

“I tried,” I say, my voice muffled by my hands. “I did; she told me that it wasn’t the time for it.”

“When was this?”

“When she came here for the consultation on the garden work.”

Cam is quiet for so long that I eventually sit back upright and look at him.

“For a smart lad, sometimes you are incredibly dense.”

I laugh, despite the situation. “It was the wrong time?”

“It was the wrong time, lad. If you wronged her the way you did… Ellie is a strong lass, and a proud one, aye? She doesnae want to seem weak. She does everything herself, and she keeps a wall between herself and everyone.”

“She didn’t used to be like that.”

“Aye, well, life experiences change you, don’t they? Especially deep hurt.”

“Fuck,” I croak, more tears burning the backs of my eyes. “I did that to her.”

“Maybe, aye. From what you’ve told me, though, it’s forgivable. And the fact that she’s coming here, designing your garden, speaking to you sweetly… it tells me she must already forgive you. She would know, aye, what the grief feels like herself. She would understand more than anyone bar your own family, having spent every summer with you lot. I would say she didnae want you to speak of it in her work meeting, because it’s herwork meeting. It pays her bills. She takes it seriously. She wants to impress you. She doesnae want to seem weak.”

“Like me,” I joke.

“Crying does not make you weak, lad. The world would be a far better place if more men let themselves have a wee cry every once in a while.”

We’re quiet for a few minutes. “So when is the right time?” I ask.

He rubs his bottom lip, considering. “You could write her a letter, maybe? It would give you a chance to explain what you just told me. She wouldn’t understand about wolves and alphas and the like, aye? And you said those are her things; would she want them?”

I stare at the box at Cam’s feet. “There’s one thing in there that I could give her.” I reach down, pulling off the old tape, sifting through the contents. There’s old jewellery that’s now tarnished with age, a pile of CDs, sketches of plants, handwritten notes, a t-shirt, and stacks of photos. I pull one out — of Ellie and I standing together on the beach, my arm wrapped around her waist. In my pre-Unravelling ‘human’ body, she came up to my shoulders, and our younger selves smile at the camera, her in a green bikini, me wearing a pair of red swimming trunks.

It’s amazing how a single item can bring back so many memories. I can still recall it as if it were yesterday; how Ellie drew our initials in the sand as water dripped from her hair and ran down her back, the way she grinned at me as she outlined the letters with a heart, the taste of saltwater on her lips. How both my sisters were there that day, tagging along, Lacey taking the picture and declaring that this was,“a moment worth remembering.”

I set the photo back down before I get too choked up again, and pull out the item I was looking for, carefully untangling the brown plaited cord attached to it.

“She left that at your place?” Cam asks, surprised, staring at the greenstone pendant in my hand. From his tone it’s obvious he knows what the cultural significance of it would be to Ellie as a Maori woman.

“No. I bought it for her, before Jenny’s passing, but I hadn’t gifted it to her yet when…”

“Aye.” He tugs on his ear. “It’s a grand gesture, lad. A risky move, maybe.”

It’s a risky move, yes, but as I hold the greenstone in my palm, smooth and solid and carved in the shape of the full moon, it feels like the right one.

Aroha nui ki a koe / Lots of love to you

* * *

Ellie,

---