Page 17 of A Wolf in the Garden

Cam laughs. “Smart lass.” He turns his head to peer at me, brown eyes narrowed in thought. “You can skip the details but… did you…? I only ask because she was young, aye? So were you, but eighteen…”

“I was her first,” I answer, knowing exactly what he was asking despite actually saying the words.

“And you two were a good match?”

“We were perfect together. We clicked. It was like two puzzle pieces that fit just ri —”

“I said skip the details —”

“I’m not meaning physically!”

“Well you can choose a different metaphor next time you tell this tale then, aye?” he shoots back, making an obscenely rude gesture with his hands. “Ye mention puzzle pieces slotting together, this is what I picture.”

I can’t help it, I laugh, and so does he. “Thank you,” I tell him. “Truly.”

“It’s alright lad. Finish your story.”

Finish the story.It’s the same feeling I always get — a dagger in the heart, and this time when the lump forms in my throat I don’t fight the tears. “We were perfect together,” I whisper, my vision blurring as I stare ahead at the pile of boxes. “She’s my soulmate, I know that. I’ve missed herso much. I would have made it work, I could have paid for her to come with me back to the States, easily. But —” Fuck. It’s so hard to say this shit out loud, even after all this time. How the hell I’m going to manage to say it to Ellie, I have no clue.

“Take your time.”

I nod. Sniffle. Wipe my nose. I’m a mess. “We had an amazing six weeks, and then the first week of January, the nanny got sick. Real sick; it was food poisoning, but my dad, being the asshole that he is, sent her away to stay in a hotel in the city until she recovered.”

“In Whangarei? He sent the poor woman away through those winding roads when she had food poisoning?”

“In a taxi with extra cash to cover the cleaning fee for the car, yeah. He’s… you know what he’s like. So he and Mom had a function to go to, and they told me I had to babysit my youngest siblings. But I had plans with Ellie, and instead of just asking her if she would be okay with coming to the house, which she would have been, I made Lacey stay with the kids instead. Seth was twelve, and Jenny was six. We don’t know how Jenny managed to unlock the gate to the pool, but she was always so freaking smart so… ” A fresh wave of tears has me gasping for breath. “By the time Lacey realised, it was too late. And if I’d just been there…”

Cam’s huge arm comes around me, and I sob into his shoulder. “It’s not your fault, lad. It’s not, you hear me? It’s not.”

“She’d still be here if I didn’t —”

“That is not on you, Evander. That is not on you. I know that therapist of yours will be saying the same thing.”

“Yeah,” I croak. “She does.”

“Good. Listen to us.” He squeezes me tighter for a moment. “I know it must be so hard, lad.”

We sit in silence for a long time, until eventually I move, and Cam removes his arm from around me. I feel numb, which means that the next words flow easier at least, reciting a speech I’ve memorised off by heart despite only ever saying it out loud once, in therapy.

“Ellie was devastated, just like the rest of us. We were all grieving. We had Jenny cremated, so that she could come with us on the plane and not in the hold — not even a private jet will fly with a coffin unsecured in the cabin. My father banned Ellie from attending the small funeral we had here in New Zealand. And then he told me I could see her one last time, and heorderedme to cut all contact with her after that; to never see her again. He did that to all of us, bar Mom… the alpha orders won’t work on a full-blood werewolf, but I think he gave her an ultimatum… either way, Mom has never reached out to Ellie, and she was the only one that could have. The orders were still there, when I last spoke to Ellie nine years ago, to never tell her what I was either, to never reveal anything about the First Realm, and the glamour was obviously still in place.”

“What could you tell her, then?”

I bow my head, shame crushing me. “That I didn’t love her. That it was her fault that I wasn’t at the house.” Beside me, Cam sucks in a breath.

“Evander.”

“I know,” I moan, hands on my head. “I know. I was really fucked up. I was angry ateverything, and my father… he abused that power as alpha. You don’t use alpha orders on your family like that. Not in this kind of situation, and certainly not the way he did it. He told me it wasmyfault, andEllie’sfault, in thattone.”

“It was like an order?”

“Yes. It’s essentially brainwashing, when an alpha does that to you. If your alpha tells you a statement but it’s imbued with that alpha magic, you have no choice… your mind believes them.”

“And that was the last time you saw the lass?”

“Until last week, yeah. Back then I thought… I thought, if I made her hate me, she would get over it faster. She wouldn’t question why none of us ever contacted her again.”

“And you never tried?” I can hear the hint of incredulity in his voice. It’s understandable — I’m sure he’s wondering how can I say I loved her, and then in the same breath say I didn’t even bother to reach out to her.

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