Page 71 of Bratva Knight

“Tatiana!”

My eyes snapped to Dr Spendel.

“I know this hurts. I know.” Were those tears in his eyes? “But I need you to push. Maureen is going to keep calling him but I need you to focus on me, okay? Just focus on me and pushhhh.”

A scream tore from my throat as I used all my strength to do what he said. The contractions ripped through me like a tsunami and I tried to ignore the pain of my broken heart, focusing solely on Dr Spendel.

“That’s it. Keep going.”

The more I pushed, the harder I cried, calling out for Nikolai over and over again, praying that he could somehow hear me. That he would suddenly burst through that door and hold me, kiss me and lend me his strength. Because I couldn’t do it on my own. The pain of knowing that, after all of it, I would never get to see my son smile. Never hear him laugh or cry. I’d never see him open his eyes or call me Mama. It was too much. It was all too much.

“Nikolai, please. I need you,” I sobbed, begged. He wouldn’t do this to me. Not my Nikolai. Not my knight.

“You’re almost there. That’s it. One more big push.”

The nurse continued to redial Nikolai’s number over and over again, the sound of the messaging service playing out through the room, a constant reminder that I was doing this alone. That he wasn’t coming.

How many times had she called him? I didn’t even know.

“Ahhhhhh!” There was one last, agonising burst of pain and then nothing. Just instant relief. I slumped back into the bed, panting heavily.

Dr Spendel stood, cradling my son in his arms.

I cried so hard that the tears obscured my vision and I couldn’t see properly. My baby. My precious, little baby. Since the moment I’d found out I was pregnant, I’d pictured this exact moment. The moment my child came into the world. It was meant to be the best moment of my life.

But instead, it was the worst.

I reached out for him and Dr Spendel placed him in my arms gently, with so much care and tenderness, making sure to cradle his head, even though we both knew it didn’t really matter.

He was beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.

I ran my finger down the side of his face softly. “Hi, Nikolas.”

Illayana sat quietly on her bed, tears in her eyes as I recounted what had happened. I told her everything, not holding a single detail back. I told her about how Nikolai and I first started seeing each other. I told her when I found out I was pregnant. I told her about the fight Nikolai and I had. I told her everything. Every. Single. Thing.

She didn’t say a word the entire time. She just sat there and listened as I poured my entire heart and soul out. There was no anger on her face, no judgment. Just complete and utter sadness.

When I was finished, she immediately got up and hugged me. She hugged me so tightly, I could barely breathe. I’d been avoiding this conversation for so long, I honestly wasn’t sure what to expect when I finally told her.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” she whispered into my hair, holding me tighter. “Why?”

I just shook my head. I still wasn't entirely sure myself why I’d hidden it from her for so long. At first, I just didn’t want to talk about it. Withanyone—not just her. As time went on, I realised it was just easier pretending it didn’t happen. Easier not to think about it at all than dredge up the horrible memory of that day.

She pulled back, staring me deep in the eyes. “I don’t understand. How were you pregnant and I didn’t know? Am I that bad of a best friend that I didn’t notice?”

“Do you remember when I went away for a few months to visit my aunt and uncle?”

Realisation flashed across her face. “It was then?”

I nodded.

“And then when you dropped off the face of Earth because you said you were going backpacking across Europe?”

I dropped my gaze to my hands. “I needed time…afterwards. I wasn’t really backpacking. I was here, at my dad’s house. I didn’t leave my room for months.”

Her eyes widened. “Tatiana, why? Why didn’t you come to me? I would have been there for you.”

“I know you would have, Illayana. I know that.” The truth of the matter was, I didn’t want her there. I didn’t want to be comforted. I didn’t want to be held and told false promises about how it was all going to be okay. I just wanted to die. It was as simple as that.

---