Page 42 of Sin of the Saints

“Fuck,” I hiss. “That’s not good.”

Naama comes up after me, anxiety plain on her face.

“Damn it,” she says, “you pushed her too hard!”

“It was necessary! That girl won’t let go, just as my vessel was clinging to his stubbornness. But I know Lilith, she won’t be able to keep hiding from me forever!”

Naama chuckles and folds her arms over her chest. “The more you pursue her, the further she’ll flee from you, from all of us.”

I ignore her words, trapping the air in my lungs and trying to get into Lilith’s head. “She’s looking forHim.”

Naama withdraws. “No.”

“If she’s turned her back on us, she must have fallen forHischarming flattery. WithHisarmy of saints, Ashmedai and now us in pursuit, she’s desperate.”

“I told you over and over, she’s unworthy of our love!” Naama explodes. Her rage is understandable, and I don’t know what other lie I could sell her, or myself for that matter, to keep my hold on Lilith. “I hate her,” she hisses, casting her head back and bursting into laughter.

“Don’t lose your wits, we’ll find her. And this time I’ll set up a private hell of her own for her, to punish her for everything she’s done.”

“It’s about time.”

“And we won’t go without punishingHimfor his involvement as well. He must understand that she’s mine and I can do with her whatever I see fit.”

Naama smiles wickedly. “I like the way you think. What do you propose?”

“We’ll put an end to this war. God created the world, and we’ll be the ones to destroy it once and for all. Lilith should remember that every angel is doomed to fall, even He who sits on high.”

Chapter Twenty-Four

Bellcolor

When Naomi Fermi, who I believed at the time was my mother, left, a huge pit opened up within me, and I knew there wouldn’t be enough soil in the world to fill it. Now I know that same pit existed in Naama as well.

Lilith was so selfish, from the moment of her creation to this day. The greatest destruction was the ruins formed in those she left behind. The grief is so heavy that any attempt to redeem her actions seems too small, too late.

Prof. Sapienti had used his last words to plead with me not to let the Morningstar fall, but I’d failed. Lilith had tried to save her angel through me, and the moment she realized it couldn’t be done, she sought out the only one who could save her soul.

God had banished her from her home, and in the eternity since she had sought a way to fill the bottomless pit He’d left in her. The fire He’d given her had changed her face, but she was forever destined for that primordial longing for God’s love, His acceptance and forgiveness. Now I know Lilith only knew thenature of lust, she’s seeking the one and only Creator’s love but will never be worthy of it.

I watch the lake the boy-soldier had called the Kinneret, which brings life to the Holy Land and instills faith in millions across the lands of Adam, and I notice a small gathering. White cloth dancing on the wind, all the humans are wearing white, the sight seems so pure to me and I’m inexorably drawn to it.

Black among the pristine, I shield myself from the eyes of the guests using the cloth, assuming this is a wedding. The woman’s face is glowing as though she were the sun itself, and her groom’s smile sends cramps through my belly.I’ll never have this.The thought darkens my mood.

“Love is patient,love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking,it is not easily angered,it keeps no record of wrongs.Love does not delight in evilbut rejoices with the truth.It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies,they will cease; where there are tongues,they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away1.” I hear the priest’s words and my heart expands at the beauty of the declaration. Who wrote that? Are these the words of God, or of Man who longs for Him?

“God is love,” the priest continues. “For as it is written: ‘He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love2’. And I wish you strong and fierce love, as your love for each other is proof of God’s presence in you. For it is written: ‘If we love one another, God dwelleth in us, and his love is perfected in us3.’”

My heart begins savagely pounding in my chest, and I wonder if there’s any truth to the priest’s words or whether he’s a false profit, like others throughout human history.

Is this the reason Lilith never gave her heart to another? Is she incapable of it, because God would not return her love? Andwhat does that say about me? Am I also cursed to be just like her? I wanted to give Bar my heart, but Hillel corrupted his soul and I’ve lost him.

I’m struck with anxiety as the questions spin around in my head. God, help me. Help me find the way. I’m lost, and fear I’ll never be found. I’m afraid to discover that I’ll suffer Lilith’s fate. Because if I’ve lost my innocence, and I’ve lost Bar, what else do I have left?

I look over at the tables and notice a cellphone lying there unattended. The eyes of the guests and waiters are all turned to the ceremony, and I take advantage of the opportunity to sneak between the tables and grab the phone.

I flee far from the event before anyone can notice their phone’s missing, and dial the one person who might be able to give me answers.

“Vatican’s office, how may I help you?” the clerk answers in a high-pitched, nauseatingly-optimistic voice.

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