Page 4 of Love You Madly

I would love to have more children, but I don’t want to have more children with him. I feel so guilty for the new life growing inside me, knowing this baby deserves better than the pain my relationship with Adam causes.

I quickly wipe away my tears, silently vowing to myself and this tiny life inside me that we will get through this. We will be okay. Looking down at the pregnancy test in my hand, my head is spinning. Just as I’m about to stash the test away before anyone finds it, the bathroom door creaks open slightly.

“What’s going on?” he asks, his voice laced with suspicion.

I quickly shove the test behind my back, but it’s too late.Adam’s gaze shifts to the discarded box on the counter. His eyes widen, and a strange, almost triumphant smile spreads across his face.

“Are you…?” He steps closer, his hand reaching out to touch my arm. “Are you pregnant?”

I nod, unable to find the words. My husband’s reaction is not what I expected. Instead of concern or guilt, he looks almost… pleased.

“This is great news, babe!” he exclaims, pulling me into a tight hug. I stand there, stiff and unresponsive, the reality of our situation crashing down on me even harder.

“Great news?” I finally manage to say, pushing him away gently. “How is this great fucking news, Adam? We’re barely holding it together as it is.”

He steps back, his expression hardening. “Come on, Callie. This is our chance to start over. A new baby could bring us together. It’s a sign, don’t you see?”

“A sign?” I repeat warily. “A sign of what? That we’re stuck in this toxic cycle?”

It’s like no matter what I do, he always sucks me back in. And I am too exhausted to fight anymore.Jesus fucking Christ, he sounds like a teenage girl that’s just made good on a pregnancy pact with her besties.

Adam’s jaw tightens, and for a moment, I think he might actually acknowledge the truth. But he shakes his head, a determined look in his eyes.

“No, babe. It’s a sign that we truly have something beautiful here. Please, Callie. Just give it a chance. Give us a chance. For Sara’s sake. For the baby’s sake.”

I turn to face the bathroom mirror again and grab a baby wipe to remove the black streaks of mascara from my tear-stained cheeks. He stands behind me, wrapping his arms around me, his right palm flat against my lower belly. I do mybest not to recoil from his touch. I never expected that this would be his reaction. If anything, I thought he would think I was the one trying to trap him. Something about this doesn’t feel right.

“We can make this work, baby. I promise.”

I look up at his reflection in the mirror, his blue eyes glimmering and glossed over with his own tears. As our eyes connect, I search for any hint of sincerity. But all I see is desperation. Desperation to hold on to the illusion of control, of a perfect life that never existed.

Right now, my options are pretty limited.

If I leave, I’ll lose my insurance. At this point, this really is a marriage of inconvenience. Having a baby without health insurance in America is not exactly the best-case scenario. And my pride won’t let me tell Mom and Wayne just how bad the situation really is.

“Okay,” I say softly, more to myself than to him. “I’ll think about it.”

Adam’s face lights up with relief, and he turns me around to face him, pulling me in for another hug. “Thank you, Callie. You won’t regret this, I promise.”

I feel myself physically holding back from laughing at his words and plastering on a fake smile. I can’t think of a single promise this man has made me that he’s kept aside from providing for me financially. But he always made sure to remind me that it was his money. And without him, I would have nothing.

I got my associate’s degree a few years ago, but I don’t have much job experience besides working as a waitress. I’ve always had a hard time figuring out what I wanted to do when I got older for a career. Outside of being a mom, I never knew what I wanted for myself.

I also didn’t want to rack up more student loan debt tryingto figure it out, so I decided to wait to go for my Bachelor’s degree until I was more sure of myself. However, nothing ever really clicked for me. That’s when Johnny happened. And when Johnny stopped happening, Adam happened.

Sure, I’d worked at a crooked as fuck furniture rental place for a couple of months after moving to Seattle, but since Adam had convinced me to quit my job when I found out I was pregnant, that all tallied up to maybe nine months of work experience since I’d finished community college.

“Can you explain this gap in employment history, Mrs. Graham?”

“Sure, my husband is a piece of shit that claimed he wanted me to not work for the sake of the baby, but really, it was so he could have control over me.”

I’m sure that interview response would go over swimmingly. Maybe someone would find pity on me enough to give me a job washing dishes.

As he walks out of the bathroom, I’m stuck here, along with my thoughts and the overwhelming weight on my shoulders, which makes it feel like I’m balancing an elephant on each shoulder. Can I really trust him to change?

I mean… I know people change. I remained faithful in multiple relationships after being a serial cheater. So, if I could change, that means he can too… right?

I look down at my belly, a massive ache forming in my heart. “I’m so sorry, Little One. I’m so sorry for bringing you into this. I’m sorry that this is the life you and your sister were brought into.”

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