Page 36 of Love You Madly

Chaos Callie.The way she says the nickname stings, though I know she doesn’t mean for it to. I’m the one that said I was going to embrace the nickname again. Still, it’s a reminder of who I was—wild, impulsive, always throwing myself into things without thinking. I can’t decide if I miss her or resent her. Maybe a little of both.

“I know you mean well,” I say, softer this time. Her worry pulls at something in me, and for a moment, I let myself feel the weight of it. “But don’t worry, I’m not going to delete my profile just because of Adam. He doesn’t get to win.”

“It’s not just about Adam though,” I assure her. The truth sits heavy on my chest, and I hesitate before admitting it. “It’s just... I don’t know if FlameFinder is quite chaotic enough for me.”

I wink, but the words sit heavier than I intended. There’s something unsettling about not knowing who I am right now—caught between who I was and who I’m trying to become.

Taylor eyes me for a moment before grabbing a pillow off the sofa and chucking it at me. “You’re impossible!” she huffs, clearly not amused by my teasing.

I catch the pillow, and we both burst into laughter, the tension finally breaking. It feels good to laugh, to let go, even if just for a second. But the undercurrent of uncertainty still lingers, threading through the laughter like a ghost I can’t quite shake.

Sara tugs on my hand, her wide eyes filled with excitement over food I doubt she will actually eat. “Mud bugs, Mama! Mud bugs!”

I smile down at her, grateful for the distraction. For now, I’ll focus on the moment, on her joy, and let the rest settle later. “We’re coming, sweetheart. Auntie and I just needed to get a few things,” I say, ruffling her hair.

Outside, the backyard is already buzzing with activity. Dad is manning the boiling pot, and the spicy scent of crawfish fills the air. Shelly is bustling around, setting up tables while my PawPaw supervises Dad, no doubt offering unsolicited advice.

I help Shelly set out utensils and drinks for everyone while her daughters Lana and Savannah hang back, catching up with Taylor. This is just the kind of day that I need right now–family and good food.

“I hope you’re hungry!” Shelly calls out, setting down a tray. I hesitate, realizing I might need to avoid shellfish while pregnant, but Shelly reassures me with a wink. “Women in theSouth have been eating crawfish while pregnant for years. You’ll be fine.”

Good. Crawfish is my favorite, and I’m not missing this. “I’m starving,” I say as Taylor hands me a plate. We pile it high with crawfish, corn, and potatoes before settling at one of Dad’s tables in the shade.

I glance over at Savannah’s boyfriend, Brad, smoking a cigarette by the fence, an ankle monitor peeking out from under his jeans.What the hell is that about?I elbow Taylor, and when she notices, she mouths, “Oh my god,” as we both stifle laughter.

That’s one way to make a first impression.

Just as I suspected, Sara’s not so lucky with her meal–after taking a big bite of lemon, her face scrunches up in disgust, and she chucks the whole thing to the ground. Taylor and I laugh as I clean it up, enjoying the lighthearted moment. I’d only attempted to give Sara one teensy bite of the crawfish because I didn’t want her getting the spices on her hands but she quickly spit that out too. So, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for her, it is!

Savannah makes her way over to say hello briefly but we don’t exchange much in the way of conversation. Savannah is older than both Taylor and me. We grew up in two completely different worlds–us in the Midwest and Savannah and Lana in Louisiana. We didn’t see each other often so sometimes it doesn’t even feel like they are my sisters–especially with Savannah’s cold demeanor.

Lana makes her way over too, more sociable and with a bubblier personality than our eldest sister. She sits down next to us and starts chatting about her plans, life, and how work has been. She’s mentioned the same guy a couple times as she talks about work at the hardware store so I suspectthere might be more to their relationship than she’s willing to let on with so much of our family around.

As I make quick work of washing the spices off my fingers so I can clean the peanut butter and jelly off Sara, Shelly comes back to check on us. “Everything was delicious, Shelly,” I say as she passes by with a pitcher of sweet tea.God, I don’t know how people drink that crap. No matter how much sugar you put in it, it’s still dirt water.

“Thank you, sweetie. Glad you could all be here,” she replies with a warm smile. “It’s been too long since I had all you girls in one place.”

Dad joins us at the table, letting out a satisfied sigh. “Always good to have everyone together,” he says, glancing around the bustling yard. I can’t help but wonder how hard it is for him not to say anything about Brad’s ankle bracelet.Does he need special permission to be here? Are we going to have to worry about the police showing up?

Later, as I grab a drink from the cooler, Taylor leans in. “So, have you heard from him yet?” She doesn’t need to say who she’s talking about–Owen.

I pull out my phone and shake my head. “Not yet. It’s still early though.” The disappointment seeps into my phone despite my best efforts to sound nonchalant.

When she asks what Owen looks like, I pull up his profile. “He’s cute,” she says after a quick glance at his deep brown eyes and neatly trimmed beard. I normally hate facial hair but his only adds further to how handsome he is. He looks rugged but his smile is playful and welcoming–honestly, it’s fucking sexy.

After a semi-concerned look from Taylor, I assure her I’m not rushing into anything and remind her that the dating profile was her idea to begin with. Taylor smiles, reaching over to squeeze my hand, and tells me that she is proud of me forputting myself out there and just wants me to be careful. Her words make me feel a bit more grounded and supported, reminding me that I’m not navigating this new chapter of my life alone.

I slip my phone back into my pocket, feeling a lightness that wasn’t there before. As I head back to the table, I catch Taylor’s eye, and she gives me a small, knowing smile.

“Come on, girls!” Shelly calls, rallying everyone together. “We’re getting a group picture before everyone leaves!”

We all huddle in close, arms slung over each other, and for a brief moment, the distance and differences fade. The camera clicks, capturing a snapshot of our perfectly imperfect family.

sixteen

PINCH ME - BARENAKED LADIES

OWEN - MAY 25, 2013

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