Page 59 of Down My Chimney

Finally, I nodded. “Yeah. I do.”

“Oh.” Matty looked down, but he didn’t sound surprised. More like I’d confirmed something he’d already suspected. Which, I supposed, is exactly what I’d just done. “Okay. Cool.”

“Cool?”

“Yeah, well, you know.” He shrugged and looked up again. “It doesn’t change anything. I just wanted to know, and now I do. So, cool.”

“Just like that?” I was a little annoyed. “You just decided, out of nowhere, to ask if I was gay—which isn’t really any of your business, anyway—and now that I’ve confirmed that I am, that’s it? We’re done? No more conversation?”

“I didn’t say that.” His shoulders hunched. “I didn’t say no more conversation. And it’s not out of nowhere, either. I guess it’s true that it’s not my business, but after Wednesday, after you left, Dev and Taylor couldn’t figure out why you were so mad, but I was thinking it over, and it kind of clicked. So I figured I’d ask. And I didn’t ask if you were gay, by the way. I asked if you liked dudes.”

“It’s the same—” but I cut myself off before I could finish. He was right. It wasn’t the same thing. “Does it make a difference?” I asked instead. “If I’m gay or bi or whatever?”

“No.” Matty shook his head. “Of course not. I just—you know. I’m happy for you.”

“You’rehappyfor me?” My voice rose a bit.

“Yeah, man.” He shrank farther back in his seat. “I don’t know, what do you want me to say? I’m happy if you’re happy.”

“You spend the lastyearmaking gay jokes about everything and everyone you meet. You make fun of my friend for the way he dresses, and the classes he takes, and for likingSingin’ in the Rain. You tell Taylor I was probably using his deodorant, uncapped, as a dildo, and you expect me to believe that you’re happy to find out I’m gay? That it doesn’t bother you at all? That’s bullshit!”

I was yelling by the time I was finished, and Matty flinched.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—I mean, that’s kind of the other thing I came to say.” He took a deep breath. “I’m sorry for saying that shit. It’s not okay, and even though we were just joking when we said it, we shouldn’t have been, because being gay isn’t something to joke about, and I’m sorry.”

I just stared at him, seething. “So that’s it? You just say you’re sorry and—and what? Everything just goes back to normal?”

“I don’t know, man! I don’t know what else you want from me. You want me to say I won’t say that shit again? Done, I won’t. You want me to yell at Dev and Taylor for you? I will. You want me to send your friend a hand-written apology note? Just tell me his fucking address, okay? But you gotta give me a hint here, Blake, because I’m kind of lost.”

He looked at me, his eyes wide and pleading, and suddenly, my anger evaporated. Because it wasn’t Matty I was mad at. Not really. It was me.

Sure, the guys shouldn’t have said that stuff. But I should have told them to stop ages ago. And it wasn’t fair to take all the guilt and pain I felt and put it on them. Not when I knew where it really belonged.

I nodded heavily. “It’s fine. Forget it.”

“Blake—”

“No, really.” I rubbed a hand over my face. “You don’t have to do all that.”

“I mean, I won’t say that shit anymore, regardless,” Matty said. “But I really can talk to the guys if you want.”

“No, it’s okay. I’m the one who should do it.” I leaned back in my chair and sighed. “I guess it won’t come as that big a shock to them if you’ve all talked about it already.”

“We didn’t talk about it at all,” he said. “It was just me. Dev and Taylor wondered why you left for like, thirty seconds, and then they moved on. I don’t think either of them gives us that much thought, to be honest.”

He might have had a point there.

“And Taylor made fun ofmefor likingSingin’ in the Rain, for the record. Not your friend.”

I barked a laugh. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I should have acknowledged the oppression you face.”

He laughed back. “Thank you. That’s very generous of you to say. It takes a big man to admit his mistakes.”

“It does.” I smiled at him—a real smile—and waited until he met my eyes. “It really does.”

And just like that, thingswereback to normal. Matty stayed for dinner, which thrilled my parents. I made a mental note to remind them that he and I werejust friends. And when I mentioned I was thinking of changing majors, he was enthusiastic about the idea.

“It makes sense, right?” he said, his mouth full of barbecued ribs. Sauce dripped down his chin and he wiped it off with the back of his hand. “I mean, Blake’s made what, fifteen K since he started this influencer thing? Probably smart to have a degree that could help you out with that kind of job.”

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