Page 16 of Dire Straights

“You don’t have to be gay, you know,” he said, furrowing his dark eyebrows as he stared at me. “You can like more than one thing.”

“Maybeyoucan like more than one thing,” I said. “Ilike girls. So just… Accept that and stop being obsessed with me and trying to make me like you! Because I don’t!”

“Um… Are you sure about that? Because you’re acting kind of-”

“Yes, I’m sure!” I sounded manic now, I could hear it in my own voice. But that was his fault, too. Not taking no for an answer, and trying to make me question myself. I was the victim here. “And don’t fucking text me, either!”

I stormed out, ignoring the strange looks from the people I passed by. They didn’t know anything about me or what was happening in my brain. I didn’t give a shit what they thought of me.

I didn’t go home, but headed straight back to the campus gym to run and punch and lift out my anger. I’d already worked out today, but this was the only way to bleed out all the adrenaline.

I didn’t have a problem with gay people. Aspen, Arie, and Che seemed alright, and top of that, my mom’s sister was married to a woman. But I just wasn’t one. That wasn’t me. I’d never had thoughts like that about a guy in my life.

The nerve Ren had, to question whether I had some stupid fucking crush on him. Of course I didn’t. No way in hell. And anyway, I was totally different when I liked someone. When I’d been into girls in the past, I’d always gotten jealous when they talked to or hung out with other guys. I could be pretty possessive, even though I knew it was kind of a dick move. But I couldn’t help it. And I was definitely not like that with Ren.

When my muscles felt like jelly from overuse, I limped to the showers to rinse off. I felt like a zombie on the walk home,with a barely functioning brain. By the time my hand was on my bedroom door, my eyelids felt like weights. I collapsed onto my bed, and slept for the rest of the day.

REN

I GOT TOcreative writing class early on Monday, because I didn’t want to risk seeing Maddox. I took a seat near the front, so I wouldn’t have to see him when he walked in and I could just be blissfully ignorant of his presence.

We hadn’t spoken since Saturday, when he’d had that major freak-out at the restaurant. At first, I’d been really confused by it, because it’d seemingly come out of nowhere, but the more I’d thought about it (more like obsessed over it), I was pretty sure I understood.

It seemed completely unbelievable, and even after hours and hours of analyzing I wasn’t entirely sure Icouldbelieve it, but it kind of seemed like maybe Maddox was struggling with some feelings. Some attraction-type feelings. For me.

Even the thought in my head sounded ridiculous and totally laughable. He was the perfect guy. He looked like one of those models on the front of those teen girl magazines with perfect hair always set just into place, perfect blue eyes, and a perfect, athletic body. He probably had girls scrambling to talk to him wherever he was. I’d actually seen lots of girls staring at him hopefully during the spin the bottle game at that party, but he hadn’t seemed to really notice or care for them.

Him most likely being bisexual was one thing. It didn’t really surprise or shock me, since what people looked or acted like didn’t really have any correlation to their sexuality. But the fact that out of all the guys he interacted with on a daily basis, including the crop of fit, good-looking guys on the swim team, itwasmehe was having attraction toward? I wasn’t anyone’s idea of the perfect guy, that was for sure.

Which circled me back to the part where I almost couldn’t believe it, and maybe I was justwantingfor it to be true. I’d never had feelings for a guy before, but then again I hadn’t liked that many girls either. It was becoming more and more obvious that maybe what I was feeling for him was more than just admiration. Still, without him saying all that stuff about being obsessed and thinking about me all the time, I’d never have even considered that he could feel the same way.

I wasn’t particularly hurt by the mean stuff he’d said to me at the restaurant. I could understand why he was upset and maybe kind of scared. I wouldn’t have wanted to have a crush on someone like me either. Plus, I was pretty certain until now he’d probably never even considered his sexuality as up for debate or anything.

I wasn’t hurt, but I wasn’t exactly looking forward to seeing him again yet. I didn’t know if he’d still be pissed off over the whole thing, or if he’d calmed down. He’d forbidden me from texting him, and he hadn’t reached out to me either.

He derailed my whole ignoring his presence plan by sitting at the desk right next to me just a few minutes before class was supposed to start. He always sat in the back, which was one of the reasons I’d chosen the seat I had. Before I could decide whether I wanted to pretend like I hadn’t noticed him or not, he spoke.

“Refined carbohydrates.”

I opened my mouth, then immediately closed it again. That phrase was not on the list that I’d mentally prepared a response for.

“Refined carbohydrates and sugars cause spikes in blood sugar levels, which can cause mood swings and irritability,” he said. When I glanced over, he was reading off his phonescreen. “And studies show that lack of sleep can alter your mood significantly and cause anger and frustration. On top of that, stressful life changes can impact brain chemistry and cause negative mood changes.”

When he was done talking, he looked up from the phone. When our eyes met, I could see remorse shimmering in his. Sympathy flickered in my belly, and my heart thumped in my chest. Okay, so my crush on him was kind of bad.

“So,” he continued. “I spent yesterday thinking about everything that happened and I came up with all this stuff I could blame for the way I acted.”

I wasn’t a doctor or anything, but all the stuff he was saying made perfect sense. We were all under a lot of pressure, but maybe him more than the rest of us, since he had swim club on top of it all. Plus, all the special diet stuff and exercise and getting up early and all that. I could totally understand how all of that could compound into a mental meltdown.

“But,” he went on. “Really, it was just me. Being a complete fucking asshole. And…” He stopped, groaning a bit in his throat. “I don’t really do this whole apology thing, ever.”

Part of me wanted to stop him and tell him to forget it, that he didn’t need to apologize to me. But I was so dazzled by the fact that he even thought I was worth apologizing to that I couldn’t find a way to get my throat to work.

“The stuff I was saying was… Crazy,” he decided on the word. On one hand, he was right about acting crazy. On the other hand, he’d been completely correct about me having a crush on him. I wasn’t sure if that made the whole situation better or worse. “And you didn’t deserve any of that. And I’m sorry. Can we just forget the whole thing?”

“Yeah,” I said instantly. I felt kind of out of breath from staring at him for so long. He was just really, really nice to look at. And I felt like I could listen to him talk all day. Even if it wasabout what an asshole he was and how mean he’d been to me. “Yeah, let’s just forget it.”

“What!?” He snapped out, giving me an incredulous look. “You’re going to forgive me, just like that!?”

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