Page 88 of Someone to Watch Over Me

“I’m sure you’re going to find something you love before too long.”

“That’d be nice. The job search dragged on for months last time.”

His phone chimes with a text that he quickly reads. “Gotta deal with some work stuff.”

“Not too much, I hope.”

“Nah, just stuff only I can do. They’re waiting on decisions from me for a bunch of things. I promise not to overdo it.”

“I’ll hold you to it.”

He gives me a soft kiss. “You going to be okay?”

“Yes, I’m fine. I promise. Grief makes me weird sometimes.”

“You’re not weird. You love with your whole heart and soul. That makes Jim and me lucky guys—and we know it.”

“Thank you for understanding.”

“I’ll never fully understand what you went through or the depths of your grief, but I so respect the way you continue to honor him in everything you do. He’d be so proud of you.”

“That’s very nice of you to say, and I hope he would be. He told me all the time how proud he was of the way I took care of him and never wavered, even if it broke his heart that my life became all about taking care of him. He would’ve done the same for me, which is what I told him every time the subject came up.”

“It takes a special person to step up for someone else the way you did for him.”

“Hardest job I ever had, but also the most rewarding. I feel like we gave him time he wouldn’t have gotten otherwise. We knew this other couple… The wife was diagnosed around the same time as Jim, so we ran into them occasionally at appointments. At first, the husband was totally on Team Jan, but over time, he disengaged. They ended up divorced. She told us he couldn’t handle it.”

“Poor baby.”

“That’s what I said, too, but Jim said it was too much for anyone to handle, and he didn’t blame him, even if he’d make different decisions. We talked a lot about how no one knows what they’d do in any situation until they’re confronted with it. We all like to think we know, but we don’t.”

“I know without a shadow of a doubt that you’d be there for me if I ever needed you like that, and I can assure you I’d be there for you, too. You don’t leave the people you love when shit gets hard. That’s when you double down and dig in.”

“That’s the goal, but I’ve found it’s not always achievable for some people, no matter how much they want to do the hard stuff.”

He kisses my forehead and then my lips. “I’ll never leave, no matter how hard it gets. That’s not something you ever have to worry about.”

I want to tell him the same goes, but the wordswidow-makerpop into my brain before I can say anything.

“Off to work I go. What time do we need to leave for your parents’ house?”

“Five thirty.”

“I’ll be ready.” He steals one more kiss and an apple from the bowl on the counter and heads to his office while I watch him go, really wishing I’d never done that search.

18

Lexi

My anxiety is through the roof all afternoon. I reach out to the therapist who helped me through Jim’s illness and the first year of widowhood. I went for as long as my insurance would pay for it and stopped only when it became too expensive.

However, Antonia, who goes by Toni, has continued to check in regularly with me since we stopped our regular appointments.

I send her a long text, updating her on recent events and how I made the huge mistake of looking into the widow-maker term.

She texts me back an hour later when I’m in my room getting dressed after a shower.

Can you talk?

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