Page 30 of Alien Barbarian's Little Human

“Oh, the Captain says so? Come on, give me a break. He’s a civilian, he’s not military. He’s a pilot, not a captain.”

“Well, ma’am, as this is a human vessel, we go by the age-old tradition of the Captain title.”

“It’s pretentious bullshit, is what it is. Not tradition.”

“You’re always grumpy before your coffee. Lucky I have that covered.”

She holds out a saucer bearing a steaming cup of Vakutan coffee. My absolute favorite brew, and she knows it. I reach for the coffee but she pulls it out of reach.

“Ah ah. First you have to promise to be nice to the Ishani representative.”

I sigh.

“You can’t do anything but be nice to Ishani. They refuse to take anything the wrong way. Did you know what the Vakutan ambassador Wova said when meeting an Ishani for the first time?”

“No.”

“The Vakutan ambassador saidyour nose looks like my dick.”

“Oh my,” she says, struggling not to laugh. “That’s terrible.”

“No, what’s terrible is how the Ishani responded. He looks right into the Vakutan ambassador’s eyes, and, I shit you not, tells himwhy, thank you. You must have a very handsome penis.”

We both burst into laughter. She’s good people. I like her. It will be a pity if galactic war breaks out on the Ishani homeworld and we all perish.

There’se a good chance of it. The Ishani have long held themselves separate from Galactic civilization at large. They claim to hold a direct lineage back to the Precursors themselves. They have never taken sides in the Centuries War, other than to promote peace.

Now, thought, the Coalition and the Alliance have set up embassies on the Ishani homeworld. That means the IHC wants their own embassy.

“I don’t even know what we’re doing here,” I grumble as she hands over the coffee at last. “I mean, we’re already obligated to help the Alliance against the Coalition by treaty. What goodwill having an expensive to maintain embassy on the Ishani homeworld do for us?”

“It’s a calculated political move. The IHC is trying to show that they are their own man, so to speak, on the galactic stage.” Jode shrugs, a gesture she picked up from me. “Other than that, I see little to gain, either.”

I sigh.

“If you ask me, the IHC is flexing hard here because they feel like the Alliance made them look like idiots.”

“How do you mean?”

“Earth made first contact with the Vakutan, and then shortly after signed the protection pact. It was as much because the IHC feared the Vakutan might attack if they didn’t sign the pact as anything. Then, we find out after the fact that the Vakutan have just dragged us by proxy into a galactic war that’s been raging for centuries.”

Jodi nods.

“Okay. That does make a lot of sense. I guess I never thought of it that way.”

“Because you’re a Shorcu. If you can’t hack it, build it, or assassinate it, it doesn’t exist.”

“Ha ha. If I’m an assassin why haven't I killed you and taken your job?”

“Because you don't want the stress, and you’d miss my charm and savoir faire.”

She laughs. Hard. And long.

“Okay, okay, you don't have to think it’s that funny. Go and tell the bogus captain that I’m awake and preparing myself for this meeting of vital importance.”

“All right. Don’t tell the Ishani his nose looks like your dick.”

“I don’t have one of those.”

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