Page 56 of The Christmas You Crash

When the line goes silent, I suck in a deep breath. I did it. I spoke to my mom without giving away what I’ve been up to. She never suspected I’m here at the cabin with a guy. A guy I’d never met before this week. She’d flip about that.

“You okay?” Ryder asks softly.

Am I? I think so. Things with my mom aren’t strained in the same way they are with my dad. “Yeah, I’m good. Now, let’sdecorate some more cookies, and I’ll show you the right way to do this again.”

His embarrassed smile does funny things to my lower belly. “Sorry, Lex. I really did try.”

Hip checking him, I set a cookie down in front of him. “I know you did. And that’s what makes it so sad.”

Ryder’s booming laughter fills the room, chasing away everything that isn’t bright and vibrant.

twenty-seven

LEXI

My dad doesn’t contactme until after Ryder and I have eaten the fanciest dinner we could muster with our remaining groceries. We’re snuggled up on the couch in front of a crackling fire andThe Holidaywhen my phone buzzes. Not the buzz of a call, but a text. Thinking it’s Rachel again, I grab it with a smile on my face. There’sbeena smile on my face since I woke up this morning, really. And when it has slipped, Ryder’s been right there to help me get it back.

So, of course, he notices that smile slip.

“Lexi? You okay?” His voice is so gentle. I know he can read the text—not that he would mean to, but with the way I’m resting with half of my back against half of his chest, he has a direct line of sight—and he’s probably worried about how I’ll react. Because my dad called him to say Merry Christmas in the beginning of the day, when it was all still fresh and shiny. It’s now after nine p.m. and he’s finally texting me.

Dad

Merry Christmas, Lexi. I hope you’re having fun with your friends.

That’s it.Merry Christmas, andI hope you’re having fun with your friends. What friends? He doesn’t know, because he never asked. Once again, I’m nothing more than an afterthought with him. And obligatory text to the obligatory daughter.

Ryder’s thumb traces over my hip as he speaks softly again. “Lex? Talk to me, OTG.”

I blink dumbly at the screen for another few seconds before locking my phone without sending a reply. Too little, too late. He doesn’t deserve one. Pushing a false cheerfulness into my voice, I tell Ryder I’m totally fine. But I can’t look at him while I say it. I’m shit at quickly masking my emotions, and one look at me will confirm what he probably already suspects.

I’m not okay.

“Baby.” Ryder shifts his position on the couch before grabbing me around the waist and tugging me sideways onto his lap. I don’t fight him, because I want the comfort he’s offering. In just a few days, Ryder Hanson has begun to feel like my safe place. It’s dangerous and probably stupid of me to indulge in these feelings, but I can’t deny that I feel them. His knuckles put soft pressure on my chin, silently asking me to look at him. And because I can’t seem to resist the man, I do.

His expression is gentle and full of concern when I meet his gaze, and it cracks me wide open. Despite how desperately I will my eyes to stay dry, tears pool in them before overflowing and dripping down my face. Ryder wipes them away with slow brushes of his thumbs, and I break a little more. My lip quivers, and a sob wrenches itself out of my chest.

“Oh, Lexi.” And then Ryder’s gathering me in his arms and pressing me into his broad chest, and I’m crying into his hoodie like it’s one giant handkerchief. The material and his warm pecs muffle my sobs as he strokes my hair and rubs my back. I should feel embarrassed about falling apart like this, but I don’t. Somehow, I don’t. Ryder’s done his own grieving, hasn’t he? It seems unlikely he’s a stranger to tears.

“I just don’t understand why,” I choke out into his chest through my cries. “What did I do to make him not care?”

“Hey,” Ryder says, with steel in his voice. His arms band tighter around me. “No. Absolutely not. You didn’t do a damned thing, Alexis. You’re amazing.”

“If that’s true, then why does it seem like he forgot about me today? Why does it seem like healwaysforgets about me? Am I not worth the effort?”

It’s the first time I’ve voiced my fears. They’ve run through my head like lawless rioters, looting and trashing my confidence for years. But I’ve never said the words aloud. Why now? Why with Ryder? Why do I feel so utterly safe with a man I barely know? Am I that desperate for love and acceptance?

Ryder’s muscles bunch and flex against me as he holds me and strokes my hair. So much power coiled within this man, and he’s using it to be gentle. To comfort me. Hell, if that doesn’t make me fall for him harder.

“I can’t pretend I understand Coach,” he murmurs close to my ear. “And, frankly, he’s pissing me the hell off. If you were my daughter, I’d be so far up your ass, you’d be annoyed with how supportive I was.”

I let out a watery laugh.

“Seriously, Lex, you’re more than worth the effort. God, baby. I barely know you and I can see that. All I could think about last night as I held you was making you feel special. Giving you a reason to light up the way you always do, and to get evena fraction of that light to shine in my direction. You’re worth everything, baby.”

He’s so earnest when he says it, I believe him. And then I’m sobbing even harder.

“Hey, hey, hey,” he says. “It’s okay. It’s going to be okay. I’m sure your dad knows how amazing you are. He’s just distracted right now.”

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