Page 73 of Play Book

My heart rate has kicked up because I’m not sure what’s coming. “Oh, fuck.”

“He had his fingers…” He grimaces. “Where they shouldn’t be.”

“Oh my fucking God. He was… I mean, wasn’t she just a baby?” I’m sickened just listening to it.

“She was two!” He’s squeezing my hand so hard I’m afraid he’s going to break it, but I don’t dare move. “And I snapped. I’ve never in my life felt that much rage, Saylor.”

“Of course, you felt rage.”

“I hurt him,” he whispers, dropping his head. “Bad.”

“Good!”

“Carly came home in the middle of it, and of course, he lied. Said I just started pounding on him for no reason.” He shudders and I reach out, wrapping my arms around him.

“It’s okay,” I whisper. “It was a long time ago.”

“Sometimes it feels like yesterday. I can still see him lying there on the floor, covered in blood, missing a couple of teeth. I can hear Ally crying. Carly screaming.” Another shudder.

All I can do is hold him.

I can practically feel his pain, his regret.

“Then my dad got home. Carly was threatening to call the police, Shawn was a mess, and my dad just looked at me. He said, ‘Did he deserve it?’ And I said, ‘he had his fingers inside of her.’ Carly started screaming that I was a liar, that he would never do that, that I was probably the one doing that. She was hysterical, completely irrational. Around that time, Shawn came to and started trying to defend himself…” He buries his head in my shoulder. “…accusing me of the same thing Carly had.

“Carly’s trying to call 911, Shawn says he’s going to have me arrested for battery or some shit, but my dad stopped them. He basically offered Shawn five grand to leave and never come back. Carly is freaking out, the baby hasn’t stopped crying, and Shawn is laughing like a lunatic.”

“Oh, Canyon.” I stroked his hair, wishing I hadn’t brought it up, but now with a better understanding of who he is and why he’s so closed off.

“My dad was afraid that if they called the cops, it would ruin my chances to play in the NHL. An accusation like that, even though it wasn’t true, could ruin me. Not to mention, my mom was at the end of her life, and he didn’t have the bandwidth for any more stress. He wanted it to go away even though I was willing to let them call the cops, so they would investigate Shawn. But as you can imagine, Shawn took the five grand and left, and Carly never forgave us for that.”

TWENTY-TWO

Canyon

I’d never told anyone the story of what happened that day.

Not my friends, not even the therapist I’d seen for a while during senior year.

The memories of that day had been packed deep into my subconscious, and I was unable or unwilling to give them light.

Until today.

Somehow, the story poured out, and when Saylor wraps her arms around me, it feels good to have finally told someone. My dad and I never, ever talked about it after that night. He told me he took care of it, and that we wouldn’t have to worry about them anymore. At the time, I’d been grieving for my mother and not quite sure what he’d meant, but I now understood that he’d been protecting my future. An arrest or allegations of sexual abuse—even though I hadn’t been the abuser—would have ruined my chance to play in the NHL.

Saylor seems to have picked up on that too.

“Your father protected you,” she says. “Maybe not in the way you would have done it, but I’m sure he did what he thought was right.”

“I’ve never told a soul that story before,” I say quietly. “Probably because I feel guilty that Dad was more worried about me than Carly or Ally. He should have protected them from Shawn the same way he protected me.”

“Like you said, that was probably all he had the emotional capacity for,” she reminds me. “He was about to lose his wife. He was already losing his daughter, since she was old enough to make her own decisions, so I guess he protected the one thing he had left.”

“Ally deserved better. From him, from me…”

“Her mother made the choices for her. It’s not on you, Canyon. You know that, don’t you? You were a teenager.”

“I don’t know what I know. I convinced myself I didn’t have any choice but to do what my dad told me. The only good news is that Shawn disappeared, so even though that’s why Carly hated me, at least he wasn’t around to hurt Ally anymore.”

---