Page 79 of Sick Bargain

Because I’m being soft, like I told him. I hadn’t planned to be, but I saw him sore and cared about it. Because I know what’s coming tomorrow, and maybe I craved something sentimental to take with me on this job. Because tonight is going to be dark, and maybe I want a moment of light with him.

Because my concept of love is obsession, and it’s morphing into something that comes with feelings and regrets. I don’t want to go to Axel Graves and live out my final six minutes regretting not speaking to Remiel like he’s a real person instead of an object of my possession. I want him to feel important and hopeful so that, if I’m gone for too long, he won’t kill himself because of it. He’ll be hoping for my return.

Butfeelingisn’t my strong suit. It confuses me, and confusion makes me unstable. It overwhelms me, and when I get overwhelmed, I need an outlet. I’m trying not to make Remiel my outlet.

“What of your bargain?” I ask instead. “Has it changed at all?”

“No. I still want to end Gregory Malone.”

“You know that’s not the name I’m asking about, Remiel.”

He sighs. When he shifts his body, wincing at some of his wounds, to lean against the headboard beside me, I go still. Two men, in bed together, not fucking or sleeping. Not bleeding or crying. It’s new for me, and it feels so good that I close my eyes again to appreciate it.

“I’m not naked, so I’m going to say his name,” Remiel warns me. “Cain thinks that the curse on my family isn’t real. That it just gets in our heads, and Moros makes it believable. We succumb to it just because the knowledge of it is there, putting pressure on us from our very first breath.”

I hate to say it, but I agree with his tattooed friend. It’s a mental state, and the Sauder men allow themselves to get swept up in it. Suicide is real, but a curse that dooms a bloodline seems more like brainwashing.

“Maybe he’s right,” Remiel goes on. “Maybe it is all about pressure and the stories we’ve been told. Maybe all that is mixed in with mental health issues and a hereditary inclination to be dark-minded. Maybe the curse is nothing more than a placebo effect. We’re told we’re going to kill ourselves, so we do. It makes me wonder what would happen if we were never told about our family history. If the story changed. If our upbringing was different.”

“If you lived somewhere other than Moros,” I add.

“Yeah,” he agrees. His hand drops between our bodies, and his fingers brush mine. Before I can react to it, his knee bends, resting against my thigh. “But it doesn’t change the fact that every Sauder man has died by suicide.”

“You have the same genetic makeup as your sister, and she’s not at risk. Neither are your aunts or female cousins.”

“Maybe it’s like heart disease or gout. More common in men.” He huffs a small laugh. “I don’t know what it is, Krypt, but I’m still scared of it. For me. For Soren. It’s real to us.”

Which brings us around to my original question. “So, what do you want to do with him? Because your plan to entice me into killing you failed, so you need to rethink what your goal is here.”

He takes a long time to think about it. All the while, I fixate my attention on where his leg touches mine. A simple touch. Comfortable. I’m not a man who enjoys being touched in such a way. My hands cause harm and my body is a weapon, but with Remiel’s leg against mine, I don’t feel so dangerous. I feel at ease. So much so that the monsters inside me slumber.

“He’s always been dangerous, but it’s getting bolder. Have you noticed?” he asks.

“Yes.”

“Then I still want him… uh, owned? Watched? Under the influence of someone else.”

“Okay,” I agree.

“Okay?” he asks, knee moving. I reach down and hook my hand under his leg, bringing it back to rest on mine. “Do you have someone in mind?”

“Ghost is a Vile Boy, so he’ll be on jobs a lot. Since you want him watched all the time, and we can’t bring outsiders into Vile business, it’ll have to be another Vile. I’ve already made a deal with one of them to be his shadow.”

“Who?”

“Do you really wanna know?”

He pauses, then says, “Yes.”

“You won’t like it.”

“Tell me anyway.”

“Riot.”

Remiel groans. “I don’t trust that. Your brother hates my brother, and it’s obvious to everyone. I don’t trust him to keep Soren alive.”

“He will.”

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