Page 95 of First Surrender

Every man in my entire life has mistreated me, I can’t convince myself that Jackson would be any different.

“You’re supposed to think that I’m a dumb ass. I panicked and ran because I didn’t know how to handle my thoughts. It was never about you, not really. Only that I know you and Dec are too good for me.”

I hold up my hand to stop him. “The custody hearing is in a few weeks. All I could think about is walking into that courtroom and admitting to the judge that I was wrong. I don’t have anysupport because you walked out on me. I promised that would never happen to me and it happened. You walked out on me and Dec.”

He shakes his head in response but I can hardly look at him. “I went in and did paperwork. I made you and Dec my beneficiaries. I updated my will. Liv helped me verify all of it this morning.”

My head snaps to his as he gets on his knees in front of me. “What?”

“If there is any chance that something happens to me, I want you to get everything. Whether I get sick one day or die in the line of duty, I want you and Dec taken care of.”

“Jackson, what the fuck?”

“I understand if you don’t want to be with me because you might have to take care of me one day. I’d never ask you to, but I want to take care of you.” His eyes are soft and pleading but his face is lined with worry.

“We’re not married, we’re not even… I don’t know what we are. What if you change your mind? What if you find someone else?” He could find a beautiful, perfect woman someday. Anyone other than me.

“Natalie, if it’s not you, it’s no one. I don’t want anyone else and I never will. It’s you, it’s always going to be you.” He grabs my hands in his, kissing them.

My mouth is opening and shutting but I can’t make any words come out. “How can you be so sure?”

“I don’t want to live without you, I can’t, but if you never want to see me again, I’d leave. I’d give you the house,” he says with all the sincerity in his large body, cupping my cheeks gently. “You and Dec never have to leave. You’re home, sweetheart.”

“Jackson…”

“It’ll be official before court. The house will be in your name, it’ll be permanent. Just say you’ll forgive me. I know I fucked upby leaving last night, but give me a chance to make it up to you.” He buries his head in my lap with his arms wrapped around my legs and I can’t breathe.

I never expected this. Any of it. I don’t want him to give me the house as a bartering chip. All I want is him.

This big, giant, bonehead.

“Jackson. Look at me.” He doesn’t move. “Please.”

His head tilts up to look at me and his tired, sad eyes, watch me warily. “You know, don’t you? The power that word has over me.”

“You’re the only person I ever say please to. You’re the only one who has ever respected me enough to listen when I say it,” I tell him truthfully.

“It’s more than that, sweetheart. I respect you, care about you, and I-” He pauses and laughs softly. “I worship the ground you walk on. I’ll do anything for you but don’t ask me to leave you alone. Not yet. I’m not ready for you to be done with me.” He holds my face to his and I grasp his hands in mine. For the first time ever, I see terror in the depths of his honey eyes. And, genuine regret.

“Then promise me that you won’t walk out on me again. Not like everyone else has.”

“I won’t walk out ever again. I promise.” He states with confidence and I believe him. Somehow I still believe him despite how he made me feel these last twenty-four hours because I think I knew this was different.

He’s only human, he’s not perfect, and his fear was real.

“Watching you leave last night was unbearable because… I want this. I want to be with you,” I admit with painful vulnerability. Even though I trust him, saying the words out loud terrifies me.

His eyes shut, squeezing tight while he chokes on a breath. “That’s all I’ve wanted to hear for so long. You can’t even imagine how much I want a life with you, but what if- If I get sick…”

“If you get sick then I will take care of you because I-” I hesitate, my words getting caught in my throat. “You aren’t going to get sick. What happened to your mom is hard and sad, but just because she got sick doesn’t mean that you will. You can’t live your life thinking it’s already over.”

“It’s not about my life, it’s about yours. I can’t ask you to take on that responsibility. It’s too much. You’re only focus should be Dec,” he admits, softly.

“Stop making my decisions for me!” I demand, yanking his face closer to mine by his hair. “I can handle whatever life throws at me, I always have. I’m choosing this. I’m choosing you, so get over it.” I kiss him hard, erasing any argument, and he doesn’t hesitate to kiss me back.

His body crowds between my thighs where I’m sitting on the bed, allowing no space between us. His arms wrap tightly around me as if he’s afraid to let me go.

“Jackson, can I order the new Batman movie?!” Dec yells through the door, knocking erratically.

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