Page 107 of Brazen Mistakes

Jansen’s legs swing, his breathing losing its even pace as he squeezes me tighter. “I was so fucked. The car was going to be found any minute, and it was going to lead them right to my doorstep. Literally. Austin, though, he didn’t get mad. He just turned around and sprinted back. We had to break back into the damn thing so I could get my shitout of it. It was awful, Clara. My skin was crawling, all I wanted to do was cry, and I hadn’t done that in years at that point. We got into it, and Austin crawled into the back to make sure I didn’t leave anything else. Right as he was straddling the center console, the fucking cops pulled up, blocking us in on one side.

“They brought so many cruisers, Clara. So many. They knew the chop shop was near where we were, and we were going to be the final piece they needed to get it. There were cops absolutely everywhere. And Austin was trapped in the car. I tried to yank him out, but he kept yelling at me to go, to get out of there. I didn’t want to, I wanted to stay. It was my fuck up. And I was a kid. I was looking at juvie, which would have sucked, but whatever. Austin, though, had turned eighteen only five days earlier. He was an adult.”

I hold my breath, knowing the ending of this story, even though I haven’t heard it before.

“The cops came out, guns drawn, and I didn’t know what to do. Then Austin rolled out of the other side of the car, running toward the cops. All those guns swiveled to him, and I froze, stepping back into the shadow of a fence, my dark hoodie up, helping me disappear. Plus, who was looking for some kid who didn’t look older than twelve on a good day? But Austin noticed I wasn’t running. The look he gave me, Clara, I’ll never forget it.”

He swallows, his breath jagged against my ear. “He could have died. Nine times out of ten, he would have been shot for what he did next. But after turning away, he put his hands up. And as a cop approached to cuff him, after he was lying on the ground, Austin came up swinging, screaming, ‘Fuckoff!’

“It broke my trance, and I sprinted away, letting those tears out, running until I was too tired to keep moving, then stumbling the rest of the way back home, lost in my terror. When I got home, Evie was ready to lecture me about some shit, I don’t know what, but I went straight to my mom. And I cried like a kid, like a scared little kid.”

His grip on me loosens, his breath becoming even. “I get that’s what I was, a kid, but at the time, the crying was almost worse than what had happened. At least for a few days. But then, the legal system did what it does. And because Austin resisted arrest, broke a cop’s nose even, they didn’t go easy on him. He had a couple of shoplifting priors, which didn’t help.

“He was sent away. My aunt, who’d only been half present anyway, disappeared. My mom tried to visit him once a month, when we could find a car that worked. But she wouldn’t let Evie or me go with her. Then they moved him and moved him again. My mom met my stepdad, and we left the city. Through it all, we lost touch with Austin. I only found him a few months ago with RJ’s help. I’ve sent him a few letters, but it feels weird. He’s servingmysentence. My mistakes took years away from Austin. I can’t fix that. All I can do is try not to fuck up again.”

We sit in silence; me stroking his fingers with mine, warm in the shared mittens. “Is that why you’re so tidy?”

“I learned an impossible lesson when it comes to being responsible with my shit.”

“How did Summer react?”

“I think she hated me. Maybe she still does. Hated herself, too. And maybe Austin. I don’t know. She disappeared. Wenever worked together again, even though I kept doing jobs when we needed the cash. Before we moved.”

I lean back against him. “I’m sorry, Jansen.”

“It was a long time ago. And Austin said he might be eligible for parole next year, so hopefully we can put it behind us.”

With a deep breath for courage, I pull my hands from the mittens and carefully maneuver so I’m facing him. Bracketing his face in my hands, I press my lips to his. “I’m glad you had someone looking out for you, even if it didn’t turn out well.”

“Me too.”

“Do you miss him?”

“Yeah. He and I were closer those few years than Evie and I were. He was my big brother, not just my cousin. Not that we were ever mistaken for siblings, not like Evie and me, but he was at our house almost as often as he was at Summer’s grandma’s, bursting in with shoplifted snacks and flopping onto the couch with a smile.” He grins, some of the light coming back into his eyes.

“What would he think about you now? You said he taught you all you know.”

He sighs, a cloud between us. “I have no idea, Clara. But him going to jail didn’t change the fact we needed food, so I took what I’d learned and got better. I had to be. There aren’t many second chances with what we do.”

“No. I don’t suppose there are.”

I press my head to his chest, wishing I could hear his heart through the layers between us. His arms loop around me, no longer squeezing me, but keeping me close. Small tugs on my hair tell me he’s fiddling with my curls.

I look out over the city, everything small from this high.

“I get why you like it up here.”

“It’s hard to feel out of control when you can see so much at once.”

I close my eyes. “I wish that worked for me. It feels like I’m a whisper of wind from falling into chaos.”

He scoops my knees over his so he can slide me closer. “Me too. But up here, sometimes, the chaos seems a little farther away.”

“What about tonight?”

His mittened hands come and cover mine where they press against his chest, my fingers getting numb. “No. Not tonight. But maybe next time I’ll get lucky.”

Chapter 39

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