Page 49 of Make Room for Love

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It wasa long train ride home, but Mira barely noticed it. She would never forget that kiss for as long as she lived. And the way Isabel had grabbed her… She’d forgotten howgoodit could feel to be touched. She’d sizzled at the contact. Even now, the memory of Isabel’s hands lingered all over her skin.

Her phone buzzed once every few minutes. She ignored it, and tried to ignore her guilt, too.

For one moment, she had done what she wanted, like Vivian had told her to. And now she couldn’t blame anyone but herself. The consequences were hers, and she had made everything worse. Life would be easier if she never wanted anything at all.

The kiss had been searing. At least Mira would never, ever doubt again that she liked women. But it hadn’t changed what mattered. Not the fact that Mira had no business getting into another relationship, let alone one with someone she lived with. Not the fact that they’d just signed a year-long lease together. Not the fact that they’d built a sweet, tentative friendship, one Mira had started to rely on, and Mira had just ruined it, because she couldn’t imagine simply being friends and roommates again after this kiss that had overturned her life.

She was deposited at her own train stop too soon. She couldn’t go back to the apartment; sooner or later, probably sooner, she’d have to face Isabel there. Better to avoid the consequences of her actions for a little longer.

Despite the cold, she walked past her apartment and continued toward the river.

Every awful scenario played itself out in her head. All variations on a theme: Isabel might be good to her now, but eventually she’d realize she didn’t have to be, whether that had already happened or would happen in a week or a month or a year, and then Mira would be trapped. And this time, it would hurt so much more. She had kept her wits partially about her with Dylan. But she had fallen too fast for Isabel, diving into the deep end, and now she was in danger of drowning.

Maybe it wouldn’t happen that way. Maybe Isabel would continue being good to her. Maybe her heart would be broken for one of a million other reasons. But her worst fears were coming to feast on the moment of joy she’d found outside the club, and now there was nothing left.

The park was deserted. Cars passed by with their blinding headlights, but no one would take a walk at this time of night in December. Mira’s breath fogged up as she walked along the river path. The lights of Manhattan glittered, remote and cold.

Her phone rang. Mira was paralyzed by guilt once again. Before she could decide whether to pick up, it went to voicemail.

She walked another few steps, then took out her phone with frozen fingers. She played the voicemail as she looked out at the dark, rippling water.

“Mira, I’m sorry,” Isabel said, her voice stiff. It was clear even in the tinny recording how much emotion she was suppressing. Mira was shaken. She liked seeing Isabel best in her moments of openness, laughing or crying, not holding back. Not like this. “I’m worried about you. Please tell me if you’re safe. Even if youdon’t want to come home.” She inhaled shakily. The voicemail cut off.

Mira was a coward. Everything fell into place. Kissing Isabel at the club had been reckless, but it wasn’t the end of the world. Running away and ignoring Isabel’s messages, knowing how much Isabel cared about her safety, was so much worse.

The problem wasn’t that she’d done what she wanted. She hadn’t known what she wanted, and she’d done something halfway without following through, and now she’d hurt Isabel as well as herself.

Mira stared blankly at the river and the Manhattan skyline. The chill set in alongside her remorse. She wasn’t ready to go home yet.

But she could at least be brave enough to call.

Isabel picked up immediately. “Are you okay?” Her voice was threaded with panic.

“Yes, I’m okay. I’m so sorry for making you worried about me. I’m okay.”

Isabel exhaled. Her palpable relief made Mira’s insides twist in guilt. “I’m sorry, Mira. I shouldn’t have done that. I’m so sorry. If you don’t feel safe with me, I?—”

“What are you talking about?”

Silence on the line. “I thought you didn’t want me to kiss you. Or that I rushed into doing something you’ll regret, or?—”

“Isabel, I wanted it.” It was exhilarating to finally own up to what she wanted. No more second-guessing. “I wanted it so much. You have nothing to apologize for. I wanted to kiss you, and I don’t regret it.” She might not like all the consequences. But she’d never, ever regret that kiss.

“Oh.” Isabel’s voice trembled. “I was so afraid. Oh, god, I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You didn’t hurt me, okay? I ran away because I didn’t know what I wanted and I was scared. Not scared of you. Are you inthe apartment?” She could think through all this in the fifteen minutes it took to walk home, and then she and Isabel could work it out together. Maybe there was no way to make this work. But she owed it to Isabel, and herself, to at least figure out what she wanted.

“Yeah,” Isabel said. “Where are you?”

“I’m at the park.” At that, Isabel sucked in a breath. “Please don’t come get me, okay? Stay where you are. I’m coming home.”

Isabel sat stifflyon the couch, relief and fear both written on her face. Mira rushed to her and sat down. After a moment’s hesitation, she flung her arms around Isabel’s shoulders.

Isabel softened slightly in her arms and turned toward her. “I was worried about you.” Her thick, silky black hair brushed against Mira’s face. Her voice was level, but Mira knew better. There was panic underneath, and even anger.

“I know.” Mira held on tight. “I’m so sorry, Isabel. Please forgive me.”

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