Page 37 of Always on My Mind

Despite feeling as if Billie had slapped her, Tessa followed Billie’s lead into the sitting room, where an array of junk food waited for them in a spread on the coffee table. Popcorn, crisps, biscuits, and more tempted them as they took their seats on thefloor. Billie picked up a chocolate chip and popped it into her mouth.

“I don’t mean to sound like a bitch,” she said after chewing. “But you’ve always said you wanted to be with someone who was out already, especially after Jamie.”

“I know,” Tessa replied, more defensively than she meant to sound. “I just think, since we’re soulmates and all, I should give it another go.”

Billie stopped mid-sip of her drink and blinked. “But that puts you right back where you were three years ago.”

“Come on, Bills. It is different. Jamie never would have seen a therapist before, and now she is. That has to count for something.”

Tessa could hardly believe what she was saying. Days ago, she had made the same arguments Billie made now, instead to Jamie’s face. Throughout those days, though, Tessa had been thinking. And she’d concluded that therapy was progress. Tessa had recommended it to Jamie countless times when they were together, and Jamie always said she couldn’t. She couldn’t trust a therapist not to betray her to her father. If she could come around on that, maybe it would be possible. Against her better judgment, Tessa allowed herself to hope.

“I’m not saying that’s not a good thing,” Billie said. “But if Jamie is working on herself, she shouldn’t be with anyone right now. Especially given all your history.”

Tessa frowned, reaching for the popcorn. “Damn you and your logic.”

Billie smirked. “Tempting as that locker room kiss must have been, it was only a moment of weakness for you both.”

Tessa chewed her popcorn and considered it. It was true, Jamie has weakened her resolve. One brush of the lips and centuries of longing flooded through her bloodstream. But Tessa couldn’t bring herself to regret it.

“Maybe it was,” she admitted. “But also, moments of closeness might be necessary to get her to finally see our past lives. Now that she’s making herself vulnerable, it could come to her.”

“I’m not sure vulnerability is the key. I was as closed off as anyone, and just touching Ethan gave me flashes of our life in the forties.”

“Will you let me have anything?”

“Sorry, Tess, it’s. . . . . . I don’t want you to get your hopes up only to have Jamie hurt you again.”

Tessa turned her eyes away from Billie’s earnest expression and toyed with the string on her pajama pants. “I broke up with her, remember?”

“Because you’d reached your limit,” Billie reminded her. “And it nearly destroyed you.”

Tessa had no argument there. After she broke up with Jamie, she didn’t leave her bed for days. And then when she did, she was out at all hours, going to clubs and kissing anyone who was willing to kiss her back, having dangerous amounts of casual sex, and narrowly avoiding alcoholism. Anything to numb the hurt. It was Billie who pulled her out of it all and got her into therapy. Tessa realized she could not ask that of her best friend again. Not when there would soon be a child who needed her more.

“I won’t be that way again, Bills,” Tessa said. “I promise.”

Billie reached over the table and took Tessa’s hand. “You know I’m here for you if you fall apart. But it hurt me to see you in that amount of pain.”

“I know.” Tessa squeezed her hand. She never knew how to thank Billie properly for all that. She wasn’t sure she would ever have the words. “You’re gonna be a good mum.”

Billie grinned. “I hope so. And Baby Knight will have the best Auntie Tessa.”

“They’re going to have a real auntie in your sister,” Tessa reminded her.

“They’re going to have a real auntie in you too,” Billie argued. “You are as much my sister as Stevie.”

Tessa cleared her throat to get rid of the lump in it. “Have you thought of any names yet?”

“Hardly,” Billie said through a chuckle. “We’ve decided to wait until we know the sex.”

“But surely you’ve got one or two in mind—”

“Stop trying to distract me by talking about the baby,” Billie warned.

Tessa scoffed indignantly. It was the only way to mask that Billie was right. “I am wounded, Billie Knight, that you would think I’d use your child, your precious wain, who I am prepared to love as my own—” She stopped herself at Billie’s raised eyebrow. “Alright, fine, we can talk about me and Jamie.”

“Good. Because my next question is, which past life did you see when you kissed her?”

“It was the first one, when we were on our way to Jamestown,” Tessa said. “I wonder if she saw it too. Something tells me she did.”

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