Page 36 of Always on My Mind

Jamie blinked, still bewildered. “I expected. . . something else.”

Lila set her notebook aside and leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees. “Tell me, Jamie. Would you expect me to be shocked if you told me you were heterosexual?”

“No. But that’s normal.” Lila stared at her for a long moment, and Jamie let herself consider what she’d said. “Okay, I heard it.”

“I’m going to take note that we may need to unpack some internalized homophobia next time,” Lila said, picking hernotebook back up and scribbling on the page. “Have you come out to anyone else?”

Jamie heaved a sigh. “No. That’s the problem.”

Lila stopped writing. “What problem?”

Then it all came spilling out. Jamie told her therapist her whole story with Tessa, right up through making out in the locker room, though without mentioning her by name. Jamie knew it wouldn’t be an issue, but she wanted to hold on to something for herself. But the main thing she explained was that because of her father’s views and his involvement in her life, she never felt it was safe to come out. She wanted to be better, to have a group she could trust beyond Tessa and the other Gallaghers. She wanted her own friends, her found family.

“. . . but I’m scared to come out,” she finished. “I’m still scared, after all this time.”

Lila finished writing and peered at Jamie over her glasses. “Have you heard of an alternative to coming out known as ‘letting in’?”

Jamie wrinkled her nose. “No?”

“It’s a recent concept I read about. The idea is that you don’t necessarily have to make a big announcement to the world about your sexual identity. You can choose to tell a select few people. Inviting them to where you are on your journey. It’s far less pressure.”

“Inviting in. . . ” Jamie said to herself, letting the idea settle in her mind. It was exactly what she wanted. And a tangible step she could share with Tessa. “I like it.”

“Implement it whenever you’re ready,” Lila said. “There’s no rush on these things.”

“I think I’m ready to share with a few people,” Jamie said. Her teammates and manager came to mind.

“Excellent. I’d love to hear how it goes for you when you do.”

“Of course.”

“Now,” Lila continued, and adjusted her hair scrunchie. “I still have one question.”

“What’s that?”

“What happened after three years at Manchester City to make you come back and rekindle things with your ex?”

Jamie’s hand curled into a fist. This was the part that absolutely no one knew. But she’d come this far with Lila, who had proven to be trustworthy. She could share this.

“I was. . . . . . ” she cleared her throat. “I was sexually harassed by an assistant coach there and it escalated to him following me home, trying to kiss me, and get into my flat.”

She’d finally said it. Finally told someone about the events that made her realize that she wanted to be home, where Tessa was. Because after it happened, the only place she wanted to be was in Tessa’s arms. So she’d called her agent instead of the police or the club, and arranged to get out of her contract and sign somewhere in London.

It didn’t scare her now. Something about naming it gave her some courage. And once again, Lila wasn’t shocked. Only sympathetic.

“I’m so sorry that happened to you, Jamie,” she said. “Are you comfortable discussing it further?”

Jamie nodded. “It began after my first year at City. . . ”

Chapter 12

Billie poured some soda into two wine glasses. The fizz bubbled up over the ice cubes before settling back down, and Tessa watched with rapt interest for something to look at. She told Billie everything and had hoped for more of a response from her best friend than cracking open a Coke. Tessa let her eyes drift back to Billie’s contemplative face.

“So. . . Jamie is hoping for what, exactly?” Billie finally said as she walked over to dispose of the can in the recycle bin. “That you’ll be satisfied with half a relationship purely because she’s able to set a proper boundary with her father?”

“I suppose,” Tessa replied, accepting the chilly glass when Billie offered it. “When you put it like that, it sounds like I’d be settling.”

“You would be.”

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