Page 10 of Pretend for Me

I nodded, bracing myself for the conversation I would have to have next. I inhaled sharply. “Audrey?—”

Audrey hopped out of bed, holding up her index finger. “Hold that thought. If we’re going to do this, we’re gonna need wine.” She ran out of the room and returned with two opened bottles of wine, no glasses. Audrey also held a chocolate barwhich she handed to me. Passing me one of the bottles, she said, “Proceed.”

I cracked a small smile at Audrey’s kookiness. I took a deep breath and let the floodgates open and poured out ten years of repressed shit.

“I was finally fucking living instead of just surviving and he has to come in and shit all over it.” I shook my head, chewing the inside of my mouth.

“Matthew and I grew up together. I was placed in the same foster home as him at four years old. He was so quiet and shy.” I paused, recalling my first impression of him. “Protective. He protected me from getting in trouble so many times. Our caseworker was worried about how close we’d become and threatened to separate us so many times.” My voice cracked, and Audrey handed me a piece of chocolate.

“He was my everything,” I said simply. “We faced so many obstacles and none seemed as scary as getting adopted. Somewhere along the way, I concocted a plan. I always had a plan, but this one took the cake.”

I looked at Audrey, who was intently listening. “Anytime a potential family came to see if they were interested in adopting us, I went so far as making myself undesirable.” I laughed, but not exactly humorously.

“What do you mean ‘undesirable’?” Audrey questioned with concern, her eyes wide.

“I sabotaged my chances of being adopted.”

“What do you mean you sabotaged being adopted?” Audrey hissed, her eyes narrowing.

As I fidgeted with the piece of chocolate in my hands, I just shrugged. “I did all sorts of odd things to push families away. I would play different roles. I’d pretend to be whiny and annoying. Sometimes I’d pretend to have all these allergies and couldn’t eat anything but Brie cheese. One family continued to pursueadopting me so I had to pretend I saw dead people.” I cringed, my stomach turning as I remembered how nervous I was during those moments.

“These people … they weren’t going to be my family. I had the only family I needed in Matty. Anybody who could take me away from him was a threat. He did love me. Matthew,” I explained, a lump forming in the back of my throat when I said his name.

“Cassie,” Audrey said sympathetically, as she rubbed my back.

“He was my first kiss.” I smiled, remembering how Stephan Peterson kissed me without my permission at six years old. Matthew was so mad at me. I had no clue why until he admitted he wanted to be my first. When we did actually kiss, I told him he was the first kiss I really wanted. “First love. First time. Every good childhood memory I had was with him.”

“So what happened?” Audrey asked. Her eyebrows furrowed with confusion.

“When we were fourteen, Matthew got adopted.” I fought back a sob and shook my head. “I hadn’t worried about Matthew getting picked because he has these scars on his arms from an accident he had as a baby. It made people not give him a second chance. They were all idiots if you ask me.” I spat, still angry for Matthew all these years later. “But then one day, this uber rich couple came by. They’d lost their son in a car accident and wanted to find a way to fill the hole he’d left. They adopted Matthew. For a while, they let me see him without issue, and at first they were nice. But as time went on, they showed their true colors.”

I recalled my last interaction with Matthew’s adoptive parents. I’d gone over to their home to give him a letter I wrote that explained my feelings.

“Cassandra, our son isn’t here. Besides, even if he was, I doubt he would want to have any sort of communication with the likes of you.” Wyatt put his hands on his hips.

“I’m sorry.” I stammered, nervously. I stretched my hand out. “Can you please give this to Matthew? I won’t ask any more of you both.” I looked between the pair, pleadingly.

“Fine.” He snatched it from my hands and crumpled it in his palm before he shoved it into his pocket. I started trembling, so I hid her hands behind my back. “Now can you please leave? I have more important things to do with my day.”

Taking a deep breath, I whispered, “Thank you. And thank you both for taking care of Matthew.” My voice began to break when I uttered his name, and I was determined not to cry in front of them, so I turned to exit the compound. I looked back once more, staring them both straight in the eyes. “Take care of one another. Nobody deserves to be miserable when you have such a beautiful life.” I gulped, running out the gate.

“His family constantly had fancy parties. Like the ones at the restaurant. Pretentious.” I hesitated, wincing as I thought about the fated car ride between Matthew and me that signaled the end of everything we shared. “He started to pretend to be someone he wasn’t. Someone who he hated. Someone who I hated. We got into a huge fight. It was right after I aged out of the system. All I had was him. He was my whole world, but at the same time he had this whole other life I didn’t belong in, you know.” I trailed off, glancing at Audrey. She was crying, trying to discreetly wipe her eyes with her sleeves.

“I ran out of his car. I just ran and ran. It was raining so hard. I was drenched. I can’t even remember where I slept. Behind a dumpster, I think. But I didn’t look back once. I couldn’t. Not after what he said.” Tears ran down my cheeks as I wasn’t able to hold my sadness back anymore. “I loved him and I lost him. So I knew I needed to start over. I wanted a clean slate.”

A Matthew-less slate.

“That’s when I found you,” Audrey realized. “You were in and out of those filthy shelters. I didn’t know how bad things were. You never wanted to talk about it.” She looked me in the eyes and pulled me into an embrace. “I’m so sorry.”

I threw my head back, puzzled. “What are you sorry for?”

“I’m sorry I didn’t push harder to hear your history. If I knew, I would have urged you to get closure. Holding all this in for ten years is hardly healthy,” Audrey reasoned. “Clearly there needs to be a conversation between both of you.”

“I can’t even look at him.” I sniffled as I wiped the snot running from my nose. “I slapped him.”

“Cassie Wright!” Audrey scolded as she swatted my arm.

Damn she’s strong.

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