Page 39 of Pretend for Me

“Cass.” Audrey grabbed my hand and squeezed it.

“I can’t risk that happening. I can’t risk it.” I shook my head. “If I allowed myself to have a baby, what’s to say I don’t die during childbirth. It happens all the time. Then what if the father dies shortly after? You know?”

“And that’s why you push guys away before it gets serious,” Audrey said, realizing my ugly truth.

I was even more broken than appearances let on. I hid behind a mask of strength, but you can only hide and play pretend for so long before everything becomes real, even your fears.

“I don’t belong in his world. I don’t belong anywhere. I don’t belong—with him. I can’t …” The point was clear—I wouldn’t ruin his life anymore. The dirty stain was finally cleaned.

“Oh honey! Where there’s love, there’s always a way. You belong,” Audrey reassured me with a hug.

I shook my head, needing to confess what had been on my mind for years. The stuff that kept me up at night.

“No I don’t. I’m just as unwanted now as when I was a child.” I sniffled into Audrey’s neck. I hated being needy, but I needed Audrey right now. She was everything I never had.

“Stop that. You belong right here.” Audrey engulfed me in a bear hug. “Anyone who makes you feel otherwise is losing out on the best thing that will ever happen to them.”

I leaned back and gave her an annoyed look.

“It’s the truth, Cassie. There’s nobody more loyal, kind, and loving, and if people can’t see that, then they can go fuck themselves.” We laughed together. Audrey’s New York temper was coming out again. “And besides, they will have to deal with me if they can’t figure it out. It’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay. I promise,” Audrey reasoned, before she got off from the bed and left the room.

After I washed off my face, I changed into pajamas and crawled under the covers. This day had been absolutely exhausting. It didn’t take long before I dozed off into dreams filled with a green-eyed boy that I wasn’t sure I’d ever get the opportunity to openly love again.

“Cassie, I love you,”Matthew whispered into my hair, holding me as I fell asleep.

MyVelveteen Rabbitbook was draped across my lap, as per usual.

“Me too.” I slurred the words, always falling asleep first. I felt a kiss to my forehead and let out a sigh, snuggling into his side. My Matty. Always mine. Always real.

There werecountless nights that always played out the same way. He was in every positive childhood memory I could remember. Our love was undeniable. Matthew loved me. He said hestillloved me.

I knew that he wasn’t lying when he said that. But was love enough?

Sure, we had love back then too, but it hadn’t been enough to keep us together. Had anything changed that would make this time any different? Wyatt and Liz still had a chokehold over Matthew, and Matthew felt indebted to them and followed their wishes blindly.

So if I knew all of this, why did it hurt so fucking much? What would have changed if I didn’t lie?

Would I have been able to excuse his family’s behavior? Fuck no. But should I have given him another chance to prove himself? Maybe.

Sure, Matthew changed when he got adopted, and his parents were pretentious assholes. But nobody told me to pretend to be happy, and nobody told me to sabotage my chances of getting adopted. No, I did that all on my own. In the name of love. A love I denied feeling until just now. For the moment we were together, I let myself believe what he was saying to be true. No more pretending. He saw through me. Too bad I couldn’t force myself to believe that fallacy. It was like now that I lied and said I didn’t love Matthew, my feelings became even more solidified and stronger. I couldn’t hide from myself any longer.

21

MATTHEW

The following day was the shareholders’ dinner. I dreaded what was to come. Best case scenario, this whole shell corporation thing was one big misunderstanding. Worse case was Wyatt being the biggest asshole in the world and I had believed in him and his bullshit.

Then there was Parker. I was going to have to sit across from him, look him in the eye, and pretend all of this wasn’t happening. Pretend that his livelihood, his freedom, wasn’t on the line because of his jerk of a brother-in-law. No pressure.

I researched all of Monday what banks Wyatt used, when he deposited the money, the frequency of the transfers. I wanted to find some sort of pattern, something that I could pinpoint as being outside of the norm. I wanted to be armed with the most information possible when I confronted Wyatt with what Holden had uncovered.

I was just walking out of the office, about to get into the town car, when Parker approached me. “Hey, Matthew! I came by your office earlier, but the door was locked.”

Parker usually stopped by my office at least once a day to say hi or bring me a document or two. I was one of the fewhigher-ups who had an open-door policy. With most of the other executives, usually their assistants guarded the door and let only a few people in, not wanting to be disturbed or seem too available.

I threaded my fingers through my hair, messing with the stupid hair gel. “Yeah sorry, Uncle P. I umm … got caught up.” I had to think quickly on my feet and find a good distraction. “Holden is thinking of proposing to Bridget, and I was listening to him drone on and on.”

Sure that conversation happened yesterday, but Parker would be none the wiser.

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