Page 38 of Pretend for Me

I closed my eyes tightly, my chest clenching with the mention of Cassie’s name. Opening my eyes, I cast them downwards, unable to face the reality that there’d be no second chance. Not for me. Not for us.

“What’s wrong? I’m sorry. Did I go too far? I just want you to be happy for me, Matt!” Holden explained, standing up and walking closer to me.

“No, it’s not you.” I blew out a breath. “There is no ‘us.’ Won’t be one either. Not ever. She doesn’t love me anymore. But we’re going to try and be friends …” I shrugged my shoulders, trying to play it off, but I was not doing a good job.

“Aw, Matt. I’m sorry. I didn’t know. Are you sure? She looked pretty crazy about you at the restaurant. Both of you, looking at each other with goo-goo eyes. Thank god, Bee and I aren’t like that.” Holden blanched, putting his hand on my shoulder. “Should I get Vlad, the stripper, back here to cheer you up?”

“Har har, very funny. Now about tomorrow night …”

20

CASSIE

Ireplayed everything that happened between Matty and me on a loop. How passionate he was when speaking to me. How hopeful he looked when I kissed him. How good he felt against me. How I’d effectively broken his heart and my own with just a few simple words.

After finally coming clean and getting all of the shit off my chest that I thought desperately needed to, I assumed I’d find peace in Matthew finally knowing the truth about why I didn’t get adopted and how deep my wounds were. I’d thought I’d find closure. But there was no solace in my behavior. If anything, the hurt was even more painful. The worst part was that I had no one to blame for this but myself. With the lies that so readily fell from my tongue, I’d widened the gap between us, leaving neither of us better off.

I threw myself onto the bed, the exhaustion from the day taking hold of me. I barely heard Audrey come in from her shift.

“I made two hundred in tips and watched a woman throw her drink at her father-in-law for getting handsy. How was your night?” Audrey boasted as she pulled her short hair down from its updo.

“I slept with him,” I admitted, muffling the words with my hands as I covered my face.

Audrey pulled my hands away so I had to look at her. “You mean you two got busy right after I left you?” Audrey asked, her jaw slack.

I nodded. “And then I told him I don’t love him anymore. I can’t believe I did that.”

“Do you love him?” Audrey asked hesitantly, taking a seat next to my sorry ass and resting her hand on my back.

I nodded again, tears clouding my vision. I couldn’t control them, and they kept pouring.

“Ow.” I looked down to see Oreo, lying on his belly, moving from side to side. “Fucker just scratched me.”

“Then why did you do it?” Audrey pondered aloud, obviously confused by my actions and completely ignoring anything negative about her cat.

“Because even though I love him, I can’t be what he needs. I’m nothing, so it’s better I leave before his parents get involved again and I’m pushed away.”

Audrey stroked my hair. “I’ve seen how he looks at you. He cares for you,” Audrey offered, tentatively. “You don’t know if he would push you away. He’s not his parents. I don’t think he would keep trying if he was.”

“It’s not just him. It’s me. I’m broken.” I inhaled sharply. “I have so many fears. I’m so scared of everything,” I confessed. “What if I can never have a healthy relationship?”

“Honey, have you seen the dating pool?” Audrey asked, sarcastically. “Your past trauma has nothing on some of these guys.” She shuddered.

I couldn’t help but laugh thinking about some of our bad dating stories.

“I just … I don’t think I can have a family. Have kids.” I looked down, peeling my nail polish.

“What do you mean?” Audrey inquired. “Did a doctor tell you that?”

I shook my head. “No, nothing like that. It’s the fear.”

“I’m so lost.”

“When I was younger, my foster sister got pregnant at sixteen …” I trailed off, my heart beating rapidly. “She died during childbirth.”

“Oh god, I’m so sorry!” Audrey gasped, covering her mouth with her hands.

I nodded. “She … she not only suffered the same childhood fate as me, but now her baby …” My voice broke on the last word.

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