Page 31 of Pretend for Me

I had waited so long to hear him say those words again. It felt like the very first time he’d said them. It would be too easy for me to pretend, to say them back to him, to go on thinking that everything was okay. But I knew that wasn’t right, that I couldn’tfalter. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us to go on like that. Not when there was still so much he didn’t know.

I had come to realize that Matthew would always have an unshakeable love and admiration for his adoptive parents. Despite how much they had hurt me, I didn’t want to taint the image Matthew had of them. Especially when I wasn’t sure he’d believe me—he hadn’t the last time I’d been brave enough to try to broach the subject. He’d told me I was confused after all. Besides, if we couldn’t be together, he deserved this, at the very least. A fair chance at the family he’d always wanted and the one I would never have.

I felt the tears welling in my eyes, so I took a deep breath. I swallowed the heaviness in my chest and muttered, “I didn’t want to hurt you. I just wanted you to know the truth.” My words echoed the sentiment I was trying to convey yesterday which I feared may have gotten lost in my anger. “And thank you by the way.” I looked him in the eyes, dying inside a little as I saw the anguish there.

He looked pensive, almost like the weight of the world was on his shoulders and he couldn’t bear to hold it all any longer.

“For?” Matthew implored, his eyes burning and holding me still.

“Getting my job back.” My lips turned upwards slightly.

“You’re welcome.”

We stood there in heavy silence. Some sort of resignation must have come over Matthew because he squared his shoulders and said, “I need you to know I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.”

I opened my mouth to speak, but he held his hand up. “Please let me finish,” he snapped.

I nodded. I admired how hard Matthew was fighting for not only whatever remained between us but for himself as well.

He raised his hand to lightly finger a loose tendril of hair hanging along my neck. “I know you’re not ready. But I have so many other things to say. And they are important for you to hear. Things you’re going to want to hear. I want to love you …” he trailed off and the corners of his mouth lifted “... until my whiskers fall off.”

I had to look away from his smoldering eyes and the smirk that made my thighs rub together.

He inched closer to me, cutting the distance between us with every step he took. He grasped my hand in his, playing with the ring on my index finger. “Will you let me love you?”

I let out a sharp exhale as tingles spread across my flesh. I felt ensnared by the intensity of his gaze, the raw desire that shone down on me.

I looked down at my feet, unable to deny the connection. It was magnetic. We had barely touched and yet every hair on my body stood tall as though I’d been electrified. I didn’t dare speak in fear of revealing my true feelings, knowing that they would get us nowhere. They wouldn’t change where we were at this point. They might take us back to our fated car ride, but things weren’t good back then, so why rehash it all?

In the end, none of it mattered. If we got back together, his parents would never approve. Which was fine by me because frankly, I didn’t want them in my life either, but I knew how much it would hurt Matthew if they turned their back on him. So I did the only thing I knew how given the situation—I lied.

“Cassie—” Matthew started again, but I interrupted before he could utter another word.

“I loved you … so much. But I meant what I said last night. You really have to let me go. I can’t—” My voice broke. My eyes stayed trained on the entrance of the alleyway, wanting to create space between us and my lies.

“Loved? You loved me? As in, you don’t anymore?” Matthew’s voice cracked on the last word.

This couldn’t be how our story ended. Heartbroken wasn’t even the right word for the look on his face.

“You were mybestfriend. Ever since we were four years old. After everything we’ve been through, that’s it? You don’t even want to try?” Matthew pressed, his voice hoarse with frustration. “I get that you’re saying you don’t love me back. I don’t believe you. But I get it. What I don’t get is how you expect me to just walk away? To forget everything we shared like it meant nothing. Likewemeant nothing. I could understand if you gave me the cliched ‘it’s not you, it’s me, but let’s be friends’ line, but no—you just want to cut all ties?”

I shook my head, not bothering to glance in his direction.

“Cassie, look at me.” I turned to face him, avoiding direct eye contact, but through my peripheral vision, I noticed how he scanned me critically and shook his head. “You don’t love me?”

When I continued to evade his gaze and refused to answer, Matthew cradled my face in his hands, forcing me to look at him. My eyes filled with unshed tears, and I knew Matthew had to have realized I wasn’t as unaffected as I pretended to be.

“How can you deny this?” he asked. His gaze burned into mine as he closed the distance between us. He stroked his fingers along my jaw, his thumb pulling on my bottom lip that I had trapped with my teeth.

Unconsciously, I stepped forward, tilting my head up in invitation, a whimper falling from my lips as he tightened the grip on my cheekbones.

He angled his head down, placing featherlight kisses along my jaw as he made his way up to my ear. He whispered, “Tell me to stop. Tell me to walk away.”

When he was met by nothing but silence, his mouth reclaimed mine, kissing me with everything he had. Like he knew we were meant to be together.

My eyes widened in surprise. I had never seen Matthew so bold.

His sweet breath fanned across my face as his mouth drew closer to my own. “I know you feel it.” He murmured the words as he pressed the palm of his hand over my heart, the rapid beating beneath his palm like a hummingbird’s wings. “Tell me you don’t want this. That you don’t want me.” His lips brushed over mine, taunting me with every pass. “Tell me.”

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