Page 58 of Caged in Flames

Chapter Twenty Six

Knocking on my door pulls me from slumber. I roll over and groan but make no move to answer the disturbance.

“I can hear you in there, Blue.” Why the hell is Jude knocking on my door? “Come on, I just want to check on you. You didn’t make it to class today.”

“Go away.” I throw a pillow at the door to get my point across.

“Just open up.” I can hear the sounds of my lock turning a few minutes later. Fucker is picking my lock. I run and grab my robe from the bathroom since I'm only in a tank and panties.

I’ve barely managed to cover myself when the door swings open. “Here I was thinking you were most definitely sleeping the day away.”

I’m not about to tell him I just crawled out of bed so I just glare at him. “What do you want?”

He sighs, but smiles. “I just want to make sure you’re alright.”

“Fine. Go away.” Even if I’m not fine. Even if I’m crumbling. I wouldn’t want him here.

His hand stops me from closing the door on him as intended. “Just let me in. We can talk. Or just hang.” Then his eyebrows crinkle and he looks angry. “Wait, is there someone in there? Is that why you don’t want me to come in?”

He tries to look around the door. I snort because it’s kind of funny that he’d care.

I narrow my eyes at him but open the door, granting him entry. “Not that it’s any of your business, but no.”

He quickly covers his surprise with a satisfied smirk before walking over and plopping himself down on the couch.

“Don’t get too comfortable. I don’t want you here. Tell me what you want and then get out.” Even though I’m trying to sound annoyed, there’s very little energy running through me to inflect it.

“I just wanted to make sure you’re alright.” He sounds sincere as he repeats himself, but I’m in no mood.

“I said I was fine, now you can leave.” I can feel all the anger that I’ve been pushing off coming to the surface now. Suddenly that energy level is sparking, ready for a fight.

“You say you’re fine, but I don’t think you mean it.” Jude does sound concerned, but I didn’t fucking ask him to worry about me.

“Thanks. I appreciate it, but I have a therapist I could talk to. Or my mom. Or friends. I don’t need or want to talk about it with you.” Being mean to him helps overtake the numbness I woke up with.

He takes a deep breath, “I get it. We fucked up. But I care about you so much, Blue. I know-”

“No. You can’t possibly understand what you did to me. You could guess, and sure, maybe you’ll get close. But you will never understand what it’s like to fall for someone so deeply, that you’d give them everything.”

I can hear my voice getting louder, but I can’t stop it. “Sharing your body with anyone is a big fucking deal. I shared my body with you because you made me feel safe.” My voice tries to crack, but I hold strong.

He’s still the only person I’ve actually had sex with, even if it was just once.

Hopefully, Gunner can help erase those awful memories of waking up to an empty bed after my first time. Or maybe it’ll never happen because eventually he’ll see I’m just damaged goods.

I’m practically shouting at him now but I can’t stop the word vomit that’s happening. “I didn’t feel safe in my own body back then. The fact that I could let go and give that to you?”

My hands are in my hair pulling it at the root of my scalp. The pain feels better than the numbness he interrupted.

“It’s much more than just losing my virginity. Fuck the whole virginity thing, virginity is a stupid concept. It was about building a trust that you let crumble down as if all I was to you was a Lego house. A toy. Something to play with and discard.”

He grimaces. “I know that now. Back then, I thought the same. That’s why I wanted you to be my first. Be my only. I loved you, Phoenix. I still do.”

Oh my god. Is this a joke?

Pacing around the room, I can’t bring myself to look him in the eyes. I’m too busy going down the spiral he started.

“I knew the score with Sawyer. I knew we were using each other. That’s why I never let him fuck me. We both took our pleasure in other forms, then we walked away.”

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