Page 56 of Christmas with my Three Best Friends

I’m sitting with them now, though, and it isn’t pretty.

“Ah, screw it,” I snap and grab the pregnancy test. I might as well get it done and over with.

Vincent keeps texting me, asking if I’m okay. All he’s getting are read receipts, though. He’s the last thing on my mind, truth be told. I should be glad. I’m healed of him, at least.

But I’ve got three men in my heart and a situation I should have avoided. Damn that naughty list and the fire it ignited. We should’ve stayed friends and business partners. We should’ve left Chappaqua to somebody else. No, I’m lying to myself. It was good. It was beautiful. It was frickin’ sublime, and I would give anything to go back there, to forget the rest of the world exists. We had a slice of heaven in those woods, in the warm comfort of the resort’s plush beds. I miss the playrooms and the way I could forget myself at the door. I miss the intimacy of everything we did together—not just the mind-blowing sex but even the breakfast we had in bed, the hours spent talking in the hot spring pool, the loving embraces and the fleeting smiles.

I can’t regret any of it. I can’t even regret the sweetness that came afterward. Seattle welcomed us back with more of the same, why lie about it? We had it good, going on dates, spending the night at each other’s place, working and laughing together, training together.

Until Vincent walked through the door.

Until Roxanne came back.

Until Alice hit on Jax, and Jax hesitated, even though I knew he’d tell her no.

Until Richard called it quits on West Key.

“Holy shit,” I say as I stare at the plus sign on my pregnancy test.

It’s a positive. The nausea, the bloating, the uneasiness, the trouble sleeping, the crankiness and the light-headedness. It wasn’t just stress. I’m pregnant. And there are three possible fathers. The reality of this begins to sink in. Lead settles in my stomach, the weight traveling further down to my ankles as I sit on the bathroom floor. The pregnancy test is in front of me, the plus sign intensifying from a soft pink to a solid red.

Pregnancy should be a cause for joy and celebration, not dollops of anguish and crippling anxiety. I need to calm myself down. My heart is beating way too fast, my breathing is erratic, and my chest feels too tight. My pajamas are drenched in sweat, curls of hair sticking to my forehead as I feel another hurling session coming on.

It’s only going to get worse unless I get my nerves under control.

After I finish heaving into the toilet, I take a cold shower and give myself a few minutes under the cool stream to release some of the tension.

I want a family. But I want it to come with love and understanding, with peace and growth. With kindness and emotional safety. This isn’t it. I know I have options, but only one persists in my heart. This can only go one way. I know it. And as the hot tears stream down my cheeks, I understand that I am ultimately alone in this.

My men are out of the picture. Another wishes to return, but that is just a nightmare waiting to unravel. My best friend can’t help me with this. I have no family to turn to. No other friends who would understand the complex relationship I have… or had with Marius, Jax, and Richard. Maybe I should tell them. No, not yet. How would I even tell them? How would it sound? Worse even, I’m terrified of their reaction.

We did agree to certain terms for our intimate dynamic, and we broke those the minute one of us caught feelings. A baby cannot fit into this conversation. Not in this moment, not when everything has fallen apart right in front of my eyes.

“I guess this means I’m going to be a single mother,” I mutter to myself as I slip into a pair of jeans and an oversized hoodie, then go about making myself a hearty breakfast. Rich in protein, as usual. Simple but delicious. I need to take care of myself and this baby.

This is my responsibility, and I don’t want anyone to stick around simply because I’m pregnant. I don’t want a man by my side purely out of a sense of obligation.

“A single mother,” I say it again, as if to get used to the concept.

I’m still in my twenties. I had other plans before settling down and building a family. But at least I’ve got a great career with a schedule that’s flexible enough to work something out.

Oh, who am I kidding?This is a hot mess. West Key won’t work without Richard. We’ll fall farther apart in the end. And how long can I keep this a secret for, anyway?

The bump will start to show eventually. What will I tell Marius? What will I tell Jax? Will Richard even be around? I shake my head and let another wave of tears come out as I take a seat at the table, omelet slowly sizzling in the pan. There are fresh vegetables waiting to be chopped, but they’ll have to wait for a few more seconds.

There’s too much going on in my heart.

23

Shay

Aweek has passed since I discovered I’m pregnant. Seven days during which I’ve stayed at home and carefully weighed my options. I emailed the whole team at the gym to let them know I was taking some personal time off, but they could still reach me via email. My clients were worried, but once I replied to their queries, they eased up and continued with their programs. I’d almost forgotten how much they depend on me. It’s not a bad thing, but I’ll have to wean them off, eventually.

My heart is aching, and I’m constantly crying about it, yet the life growing within me has brought a different kind of focus into my mind—the kind of focus that is remarkably sharp and effective in giving me the strength I need to simply pull away for a while. I need peace and balance. And a few weeks away from West Key may very well be what the doctor would prescribe.

At night, the building looks lonely in front of an empty parking lot. It’s snowing again, and given the absence of traffic at this hour, the snow settles peacefully over the road and the angled roof. I have keys for every door, so I walk across the parking lot, the white blanket crunching under my boots as I make my way through the front doors.

“I’d say I’ll miss you,” I mutter upon entering the gym. All the lights are off, so I turn a couple of them on in order to find Richard’s office without tripping over anything. “But I’d be lying. I need a break from you, too.”

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