Page 55 of Christmas with my Three Best Friends

Unable to think straight, I walk out of my office and take a look around the reception area.

Alice is behind the desk, watching funny videos on social media. It’s almost midday on a weekday, so we’ll be getting our lunch regulars in soon enough.

I wonder if my new gym will bring in similar clients. The early birds who rise with the sun, the lunch pack, the evening throngs. Will they be the corporate types who wild out as soon as they slip into their gym clothes, or the shredded fitness aficionados who live and breathe protein supplements? These are useless questions to ask myself given the regret currently swirling through me. I should be more excited about my decision, about my new project. Shay’s words hit me deep, but only because she spoke the truth.

I go into the weights room, where I take a minute to observe the overall atmosphere. We’ve really come far with this place. We painted the walls in a charcoal shade of gray, with yellow and orange graphic designs here and there to liven up the room. We invested aplenty in our machines, which customers are delightedly using right now. The treadmills cost a fortune, but they were worth every penny. The weight machines are stupendous, the latest feats of engineering translated into efficient workout tools for beginners and experts alike.

“One more set,” I hear Marius telling Roxanne as she picks up a pair of dumbbells from the rack. “Remember to pause at the lift.”

“Sure thing, babe,” she replies.

It irritates me. I can only imagine how it felt for Shay. I also remember how miserable Marius was during his on-and-off relationship with Roxanne. She kept coming and going, sparking drama and jealousy fits over everything and everybody. I don’t buy her whole “I’m a different woman now” routine. It’s evident from her glare alone that she is still scanning for threats, constantly insecure about Marius’s attention toward her. It’s insanely toxic and unhealthy. I also know Marius is deeply in love with Shay, so it's decidedly different this time around for Roxanne—yet I still worry. It’s easy to fall back into hurtful habits when we’re left alone for too long.

I’m pretty sure he knows about Shay walking out. I’m pretty sure he understands what it means for us in the long term. We lost her. She was a fragile flower, despite her incredible strength and willpower. Shay needed us, she needed our support and reassurance. Instead, each of us wavered when all she wanted was emotional security. We gave her everything in Chappaqua, and I would give anything to go back there, to start over and do better. Shay deserves so much more than what we ended up giving her upon our return to Seattle.

“So, about that bar,” Roxanne says, “I spoke to my bartender buddy, and he said they’ve got a live band coming as well. It’ll be a full house for sure.”

“Uh-huh,” Marius absently replies, his attention focused on Jax.

Jax is going hard on one of the cardio bikes, covered in sweat as he pushes himself to the limit. Two minutes of intense, uphill work followed by four minutes of smooth cruising. He focuses on getting his heart rate as high as possible so he can then translate the effort into a proper warm-up for his kickboxing practice.

I can tell he’s angry, but at least he’s got physical effort to soothe some of the discomfort. The discomfort I caused, if I’m to be honest with myself. Then again, his own attachment issues prompted Shay to gradually withdraw from him. In many ways, Jax is a lot like me. He’s always wanted a home and a family of his own, yet he was never able to stay in a healthy, long-term relationship. And while we all told ourselves we’d keep things simple between us after Chappaqua, it’s obvious now that we all failed. It was never casual to begin with.

And I bear some of the responsibility for the fallout. Or maybe all of it.

I spot Vincent on one of the treadmills, walking cockily at a higher speed as he admires himself in one of the wall mirrors in front of him. He smiles at the sight of the man looking back at him. I’ll give him credit, he’s a handsome and charming fucker, but he’s filthy on the inside. I see him looking at other women in the gym, smiling and flirting when he gets the chance, when Shay isn’t around. He’s playing a long con on her, and I’m not buying those flowers and candy, either.

He's full of it. I only hope Shay has enough clarity to see it.

Shay was on point about Chappaqua, too. We had everything at the Hedonerie Spa. It was perfect there because it was just the four of us. That was the easy part of our relationship. As soon as we came back to Seattle, however, life started hurling wrenches at our wheels, and instead of dodging them like we were supposed to, we let them hit us.

We stumbled. We fell. We pulled away and wavered when decisiveness was crucial.

And now… I stand in the middle of a gym I’m about to leave behind, watching my best friends wallow in their own darkness while Shay is out of my sight, hurt and disappointed, but still very much on my mind.

22

Shay

Inever thought I’d feel this way again. Or I’d hoped I’d never feel this way again.

There was a time when I was so lost in the darkness of my own loneliness, still crying over Vincent and wondering what I had done wrong for him to treat me the way he did. And in that time I felt so miserable. There was so much pain in my heart, I wasn’t sure I could survive it. I genuinely thought the grief would eventually kill me. So when I raised my head and began the healing process, I swore to myself I would never allow my heart to be broken again. I would never put myself second to anyone or anything.

Yet the pain I’m feeling now is eerily similar. I walked away from Marius, Jax, and Richard because I didn’t want to feel this way, but that is precisely what I’m going through. The blistering irony makes me scoff as I pad across the living room, a cup of hot tea in my hand as I settle on the sofa. It’s cold and gray outside. The weather isn’t helping, either. Cassandra said I could call her if I needed to talk—maybe I should call her, but I don’t feel like further dissecting my emotions.

The nausea lingers in my throat, my head light and my senses unraveling since I first woke up. My period is late for the first time in eons, so I’m also staring at a boxed pregnancy test on my coffee table. I’ve been working up the courage to take it into the bathroom, but a part of me is utterly terrified of the possibilities. I can’t avoid it, either. I need to know.

My phone pings with a message from Richard.

Can we talk?

Not today, I quickly text him back.

Marius called. It went straight to voicemail, and I’ve yet to listen to whatever he had to say. Jax is in full withdrawal mode, posting workout videos on his social media and nothing else. He hasn’t reached out in the last couple of days. It shouldn’t surprise me. I haven’t even been to the gym since Richard told us he was walking out of the business.

“How do I get out of this?” I ask myself.

How do I get out of this state before it consumes me? I fear if I fall into my old coping mechanisms, I will lose all the progress I’ve made thus far with my body and my health. To my relief, I’ve got a fridge full of veggies and light cheeses and meat. There’s only protein ice-cream in the freezer. I’ve got a couple of snacks in a cupboard, but not enough to qualify for a binge. I used to binge, I used to eat my feelings instead of just sitting with them.

---