Page 90 of Full Send

Shit. It’s Collin. My heart flips hearing him call me that. He never calls meTanner.

This is the thing I feared the most. The thought of hurting herandhim. Losing both of them is what always kept me from ever trying to pursue Ronni until these last couple of weeks.

I never fucking deserved her and now I deserve whatever is coming next. I’m the one that crossed the line with my friends.

I raise a hand, gesturing for him to come over. To my surprise, he calmly sits down on the stool next to me.

“How’d you find me?” I ask, almost afraid to look at him.

“Well, your truck is at your cabin and you weren’t there and there’s like, only one place you walk to from your cabin,” he says, raising a finger to Alexis, asking for a beer. “Also, you know you’re a dumbass, right?” he says, the corner of his mouth lifting before taking a sip of his beer before punching me in the shoulder. A small laugh escapes my closed mouth.

Thank god. At least he’s notthatangry. But still, I wish he would have just left me alone.

“Tell me something I don’t know,” I say, finally taking a swig of my own beer.

“So, bro,” he says, taking another sip. “Are you alright?”

That is not what I expected him to say. I expected awhat the hell is wrong with you. I expected a lecture about upsetting his sister. But not that. Not asking if I’m alright.

“I’m fine.” I grunt the words, not really thrilled about talking.

Collin exhales an exhausted, irritated sigh. “You’re fine? Really? I swear to god dude. You can’t keep doing this.”

I set my beer down on the bar and turn to face him as I grind my teeth together. “Doing what, Collin?”

He exhales slowly, his jaw tight. “Veronica told me about your mom…” He pauses and his throat bobs as he swallows. “I can’t even imagine. I’m sorry you felt like you had to carry that alone.”

Jesus. This is not how I thought my day would go. I thought I’d be waking up in bed next to the naked woman of my dreams. I did not think I’d be in a bar breaking down and talking about my dead mom.

He looks back at me, his jaw loosening and eyes softening. “But still. You know I love you dude, but you can’t just constantlyput up this wall all the time and bottle shit up. You need to talk things out. You need to accept help and not be such a stubborn ass. Don’t be like your shithead, grumpy ass brother.”

I muster a laugh and turn away, looking back down at my hands on the bar. “She said the same thing.” My voice is practically a whisper. Damnit. That’s exactly what she told me.

“No shit, Tanner. She said that because she’s right. You need to let people help you and actually talk out whatever you’re going through. It’s not healthy or good to go through life like you are man. We love you too much to let you do that. I can’t believe you’ve been carryingthataround for so long.” His expression is still unusually soft and concerned, one I can barely remember seeing him have over the years. “That’s why I fucking call you in the middle of the night when you’re out driving the plow. But we can only do so much. We can’t force you to talk things out. You need to try too. We care about you. So please, try.”

Damnit. Have I been fucking up this bad for that long that everyone knows I’ve been unhappy and lonely? Just last week, Collin tried to get me to open up on the chairlift but I deflected and said I was fine. He was worried and he did try. And my grandparents. Apparently they’ve been able to read me forever. Maybe the walls I was putting up weren’t as good as I thought and more people than I realized could see through. A knot grows in my stomach at the thought that people might have been trying to help me and were there for me and I was just too stubborn or oblivious to see it.

“Ok, Collin. I’ll try,” I mange to say, sincerely meaning it. Maybe if I had been better about opening up all along, things would be different.

“Good,” he says. “It’s about time. Just don’t share too much mushy shit with meall the time.”

A smile creeps on to my face, but I’m still a mess right now. “But what’s the point, Collin? I already fucked up and she’s goingback to Ohio. This won’t change anything now. I wasted my shot.”

“Damn, ok. You really are a dumbass. You’ve clearly never been in a real relationship.” he says, smiling at me as if he knows something I don’t.

“Umm, ok? Then fill me in, Mr. Know It All.” Now I’m dying to know what he has to say.

“Look, Chap. You did fuck up. But neither of you were wrong, you’re just idiots that got upset and didn’t communicate. That’s not the end of the world.”

A sense of hope starts to creep back in my head. Can I actually fix this?

“And this isn’t your fault dude. The only ones to blame are that shit hole of a company and shit bag of a boss she works for. You two make each other better. I’ve never seen either of you this happy and that’s saying a lot. So. I think you can still fix this. I’ll help, but what’s your move?”

“I want to go see her. I want to hold her. I just want to go to the condo and stop her. I don’t want her to go,” I say, desperate to erase the last three hours.

His eyes fall to the ground. “Yeah, that’s probably not where I would start. She’s in full blown panic mode now. She’s got a one track mind and that’s all about this fucking presentation back at the office. She’s flying to SLC this afternoon and getting the first flight out tomorrow so she can make this client meeting.”

“Fuck. What the hell am I going to do?” I feel like I’m losing her, like she’s slipping through my fingers.

---