Page 47 of Sidelined Love

“Because you're afraid of letting him in,” Emily finishes for me.

I nod reluctantly. “Yes, and it's like… every time he tries to get closer, I find some excuse to push him away.”

“Maybe your reluctance to let Levi in is less about him and more about your need for control. It's another change and you have a fear of unpredictability in relationships because of what your mother has done.”

I have no response because she hit the nail on the head. My childhood trauma has been exposed and everything she said makes so much sense. And this is part of the reason why I came here today.

“I want to change that.” And I mean every word.

We talk more, and by the end of the session, my eyes feel heavy from the crying, but the burden on my shoulders feels lighter. As I stand up to leave, I grab my bag and head to the door.

“Thank you for coming in, Hailey,” Emily says as I reach for the door handle.

“No, thank you. And I'll definitely be back.”

I open the door and walk into the waiting area. I wave goodbye to Emily's receptionist before leaving the building.

As I'm walking back to my apartment, my phone vibrates in my pocket. I pull it out and see a text from Jade.

Jade: What are you up to tonight?

Oh hell. What is Jade trying to get me into now?

Me: Nothing. Headed back to the apartment. Why?

As I hit send, another message pops up from her before I can even put my phone back in my pocket again.

Jade: Thought we could hit up Sapphire Tavern, the new bar downtown. I know it's not your exact scene, but I'll buy you a few drinks.

I stare at the screen for a moment longer than necessary. The lure of free drinks is appealing. A night out sounds like something I need after the day I've had.

Me: Alright. I'm in.

19

HAILEY

Istand in front of my bathroom mirror, staring at my reflection with anxiousness and excitement. My fingers hesitantly reach up to the bun that not only keeps my hair off my face but has become a staple in my life. It's a part of my daily uniform to the extent that it feels odd sometimes when I wear my hair down for bed.

It’s funny how something as simple as a hairstyle can feel so ingrained in your identity. But tonight, I want to do something different. Maybe it's because of my session with Emily, but I'm feeling a little bit bold.

Slowly, almost ceremoniously, I remove the silk hair tie from my hair. The tension in my head immediately lessens until it's gone. I watch as my hair cascades down my shoulders in soft brown waves, and I barely recognize the person in the mirror. It has been forever since I last let it hang loose and left the house.

The reflection staring back at me now looks more carefree, unlike the controlled version of myself I've presented to the world.

The small change shifts my mindset as I quickly run my brush through it to give it a more polished look. I love the way it looks and wonder why I don't wear it down more.

Because it's a piece of your armor, Hailey.

Shaking off the thoughts that are swirling in my head about the step I am taking, I stroll into my bedroom and walk over to the closet. My whole objective is to do something different, a bit daring. I don't want to think about myself as someone who has abandonment issues and fears that shouldn't still be a thing, but they are.

My fingers brush against a vibrant red dress. I immediately know it's not something that I own and suspect Jade must have snuck it in while I was in the shower. It's a bit daring for me, but also, tonight feels like a night to be daring.

The more I stare at it, the more I realize I actually want to wear it.

As I take the dress off the hanger and slip it on, I can't help but run my fingers down the fabric. The dress clings to my figure, accentuating curves I usually hide under baggy sweaters and hoodies and jeans. Wearing this is going to be an experience in itself because it is predicted to be chilly tonight, but tonight is all about new experiences.

Plus, the longer I look at the dress, the more my confidence about wearing it tonight grows. It's strange how a piece of clothing can change your whole mood, but I'll take what I can get.

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