Page 38 of For Pucking Keeps

“Night, Lucas.” I wave over my shoulder as I round the corner and find Tor holding the elevator door for me.

As Tor steps in behind me, I manage to hear Lucas say, “Good night, Miss Starr.”

Like the ride home, Tor says nothing. He doesn’t even look at me, he’s shut down, and I hate it. I keep my mouth shut, knowing my destination as soon as the doors open to the penthouse. Nothing I could say can ease the sting of what I’ve done. The fact that I haven’t denied it or insisted Tor talks to me is an indication enough of my guilt and the possible truth behind Shaun’s accusations. I’m screwed no matter what.

The doors part slower than usual, as if they themselves are trying to hold back the inevitable. Tor holds his arm out, allowing me to go first and I let my feet carry me forward. I hear Tor calling me softly, I expect anger, yelling, shouting of my name, but, no, this man calls me as if I’m his lifeline.

“Alexis,” he calls for me, but I don’t stop as I drop my heels to the floor. I climb the stairs and keep going. I know he will follow. With each step I take I let numbness wash over me, if I can’t feel, then I can’t hurt, but, God, the pain is coming.

“Damn it, Alexis, stop,” Tor pleads as I continue down the hall until I reach the main bedroom, our room. Fuck. I stand in the doorway for only a second, wanting nothing more than to crawl into bed and let Tor hold me.

Nope, I’ve been selfish enough, because that’s what I’ve been this entire time. Selfish. I turn toward my little desk; my laptop sits quietly, waiting to reveal my secrets and deliver the final stab to my heart. I sit down in my chair and open it, finding my manuscript. I open the program as the words come into view. I can hear Tor as he enters the room, finally. Or has he been standing at the doorway wishing for a reprieve like I have? I stand and pull out the chair further, then robotically turn toward Tor.

“You want to read my book?” I gesture to my laptop, letting my arm raise and fall limply at my side. “Go ahead.” I don’t look at him, I can’t. I turn around. But he hasn’t let me hide tonight, and despite everything he still doesn’t.

I feel the heat of his body against my back as he turns me to face him. When I don’t look up, he hooks his finger under my chin and tilts it up towards him. “We can talk after you read it, Tor. Don’t make me any promises you can’t keep. Don’t give me hope. Just please, read it.” I close my eyes as the first tears fall.

“Alexis, baby. . .”

“Please, Tor, just read what I wrote,” I beg as I step out of his hold. I walk away, needing to put space between us. I head into the bathroom as I hear him say, “Okay.” I close the door and wait.

TWENTY-FIVE

TOR

Idon’t know what to expect. Jaz disappears into the bathroom, shutting down and shutting me out, face full of sorrow and eyes brimming with tears.

I don’t want this. Despite the nervous energy surrounding the end of what should have been an amazing night. This is not the way I envisioned things would go. Shaun confronting Jaz the way he did, the blatant disrespect he showed, let me know exactly what kind of man he is. He didn’t feel like a man who once cared for her, he felt like a bully. I don’t like bullies. Guys like him on the ice would get a glove to the face, and I wouldn’t give two shits about the penalty box.

Tonight was perfect until he swooped in and ripped the rug from underneath her. I want to kill him for humiliating her in public amongst her peers. It was shameful. God, the fall out. I’ll do whatever I can to help her. I held back tonight for my team, my agent, and my coach. Parker has done so much to keep my image clean, the last thing I need is an altercation that I am sure someone would capture a video of.

Fuck, this is a mess. This is the very reason why I didn’t get involved. Why relationships weren’t worth it. Too many unknown variables and putting out constant fires is exhausting. But for Alexis, I’d do it all and then some. I love her. I need her, and as much as I wanted to rearrange Shaun’s face with my fist, I knew it would have cost her more. Maybe I did exactly what I was supposed to do in this situation. Maybe this night will cost me the most.

She’s kept things from me, vital things apparently. I don’t want to believe Shaun but the seeds of doubt had been planted hours before when Parker asked about the book at the photo shoot. Shaun’s words, unfortunately, confirmed what I didn’t want to believe. She wouldn’t, she didn’t, but she did. I wanted her to deny what he said, to explain, anything to reassure me, but it never came. There was nothing but silence the entire ride home.

Dark thoughts begin to turn over in my mind. Do I even know the woman in the other room? Has this been a game to her? Is this even real? I’m confused, hurt,and fucking torn up about it. But I love her. I want to give her a chance, I owe her that.

Feeling resigned, I let my bow tie slip from around my neck easily as I toss it to the floor. Turning with a frustrated sigh, I run my hands through my locs, kicking off my shoes and tuxedo jacket as I move across the room to the desk. Jaz’s laptop sits open, taunting me, beckoning me forward. The soft glow of the screen is almost too bright in the darkness of my bedroom. The sound of the shower running in the bathroom and Jaz moving around on the other side of the door grounds me. It reassures me, at least for now I haven’t lost her. For now, nothing really has changed.

Facing forward, I pull the laptop closer, and I settle back into the chair. With a click of the mouse to take me to the beginning of the story, I begin to read.

After a few hours of reading, my eyes sore and blurring with the need to sleep, one thing is for sure, the story of Evan and Raven is our story, every single fucking moment. I know it’s fiction, I know what Jaz’s intentions were, she makes it very clear at the beginning of the book. Love, true love, the soulmate kind of love, it’s attainable, and this story sets out to prove it. But the things we shared, personal things that I’ve kept private, those are the unforgiveable parts of the story. I gave her those truths because I trusted her with them, but she didn’t think twice aboutusing them as a means to move her plot forward. The disregard for me stings, because I would never, ever use her in this way. I blow out a calming breath as the bed sheets shift behind me. I know she’s there and hasn’t slept. She’s sitting up in bed, waiting for me to finish what she’s written so far. I’m going to lose her, and right now, as much as I love her, I don’t know. . .I don’t know if my love is enough.

I sit back and rub my hands down my face, in desperate need of a cup of coffee and maybe a round with a punching bag. With neither being readily available, I look out, seeking the comfort of the skyline in the early morning dawn, trying and failing to find the right words. I’m angry. Is it reasonable? Yes. I have every right to be pissed, but my mind and heart are in a cage match for dominance. My heart, weak and feeble as it is, just doesn’t have enough strength, I’m afraid. She should have told me, maybe we could have talked it through and found a different way. I have no doubt that her ex is going to leak this information. The vindictive motherfucker has it out for her, so he is coming for me by proxy? Fuck it, anger it is.

“Was any of this real to you, Jaz? Did you use me? Was I a game to you?” I whisper as I close the laptop, not wanting to look at the words on the screen a moment longer. I know it’s not lost on her that I didn’t call her by her actual name, because Alexis is too real, too intimate.

“I’m sorry, Tor. I should have told you. I was?—”

I stand, pushing the chair back with a little too much force. The unexpected movement causes Jaz to flinch, but I’m too upset to care. “But you didn’t though, Jaz,” I say as I pace in front of the bed.

“I wanted to. I should have come clean about what I wrote, but I knew you would be upset about some aspects of the story.” Her voice cracks and she sniffs, and it breaks my heart further seeing her fall apart.

“Do you hear yourself? You had every opportunity to tell me.” I grip my locs in disbelief and frustration. “I asked you for one thing. One fucking thing! What was it, Jaz?” I shout, getting more and more worked up as my feelings pour out of me.

Jaz sobs, tears stream down her cheeks, face flushed red. “Honesty. Truth,” she finally replies, her voice shaky and hoarse. “Tor, I know I messed this up. I know. I was under so much pressure. The writer’s block. I made a rash decision. I. . .I was struggling. It’s just a story, my readers won’t know.”

I point to my chest with so much force I wince. “But I know. I know what you did, and when Shaun takes what he knows to social media, the rumors about your book will be out there. The press, my fans, they will scrutinize every word. Fuck, Jaz, even the sex! What we do behind closed doors is for us. This a clusterfuck of epic proportions.”

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