Page 39 of For Pucking Keeps

Jaz sniffs. “I will ask Julia for advice. Let me fix this Tor, please,” she pleads, climbing to her knees and crawling to the edge of the bed. Jaz reaches for me, but I can’t let her touch me. I’m so angry I move out of reach. Her face crumples, along with her body as she folds over, bending forward, burying her head in her hands. The keening sound that leaves her threatens to bring me to my knees. I turn away, then turn toward her again, torn. I don’t know what to do. I’m literally fighting myself. My behavior is downright manic.

“I love you, Tor. It was never my intention to hurt you. Never. I’m sorry. So, fucking sorry.”

I feel every word, but I feel so betrayed I can’t see past my anger. I want to believe it. I want to believe. I felt her love. I know she does, don’t I?

“Don’t. Don’t you dare tell me you love me like this. Not now, not right now when I don’t know if I believe you. Fuck!” I feel like a caged animal, walking a groove into the carpet. Thoughts racing a mile a minute. What do I do? How do we get past this? I don’t know. . .I don’t know. . .

“Please, Tor. You’re tired. We can sleep and then talk. It’s been a very long night, baby. I’ll go sleep in a guest room if you need me to. But please, let’s think things through together,” she tries to reason with me, but I’m done. Rational thought has left the building.

“I don’t get the luxury of sleep, Jaz. I have to get to the arena for team conditioning. I have a game tonight. If I keep standing here attempting to make sense of what you’ve done, I will do or say something I can’t take back.” I leave her there, a heap of tears and snot in the middle of my bed as I cross the threshold of the bathroom.

Stopping in the doorframe with my back to her, I lift my arms and brace myself against my next words, words I know are meant to decimate, destroy, and cause unimaginable pain for the both of us. “I want to say I’m stronger, baby. I want to say that I will walk out of this shower and into your arms without resentment. I want to tell you our love is enough.” I let my shoulders rise and fall in defeat. “How can I trust you? You took something already fragile in nature and set fire to it.” I shake against the torrent of her sobs ringing out around the room. I want to go to her, hold her, despite my feelings, tell her everything will be alright. But then I will be the liar.

“Tor—”

“I’m not strong, Jaz. You’ve broken me, made me weak. I can’t see any other way around this.”

“Please! Don’t, Tor,” she begs, sensing what I’m about to say.

“Don’t be here when I come out. Please. Go,” I whisper, trying to move, but my legs and feet weigh a million pounds. My chest heaves, my eyes sting, and my heart cracks into two. I don’t see any other way, not right now. Right now I need space to think, and I can’t do it with her here. With that thought, I walk into the bathroom, slamming and locking the door behind me.

I can still hear Jaz crying through the door as I turn on the shower, strip and step inside. I stand under the spray, letting the hot water sooth me and drown out the wails of agony coming from the bedroom.

“Fuck!” I shout, hitting my open palm against the shower wall. I don’t know if I’ve done the right thing. The sight of Jaz, the pain and regret in her tear-filled eyes. I’m torn, warring with myself, my indecision is making me sick to my stomach. I don’t know whether to stay inside the shower or run out of here and ask her to stay. I stand there until the hot water turns ice cold; only then do I move. I grab a towel, wrapping it around my waist and pause by the door. Silence. Opening the door I step inside an empty room. The silence is soul crushing. I can’t hear any noise downstairs and when I look toward the now empty desk I know without a doubt Jaz is gone.

The sound of my phone ringing has me rushing across the room. Picking up my tuxedo pants, I find it in one of my pockets along with Jaz’s panties.

“Hello,” I say, hoping maybe she’s making one last attempt to make me see reason. I want to tell her to come home, just come back.

“Mr. Bailey,” Lucas says with a disapproving clip to his voice. I know what he’s about to say and the finality of it steals my breath.

“Lucas.” I sit on the edge of my bed, my legs too shaky to stand. I told her to go. I told her to leave. I told her I don’t trust her. What the fuck have I done?

“Miss Starr is gone. She left her keycard at my desk. I just wanted to let you know,” he says, then sighs.

“Thank you for letting me know, Lucas.” I hang up and let my phone drop to the floor. Disappointment. Grief. Pain. Confusion. I feel it all and I don’t know how to decipher any of it.

I drop my head in my hands, and cry for the first time since my mother passed away. Because I can feel the emptiness that Jaz’s absence has left behind already. I’ve cleaved a piece of my very soul and I let her walk away.

I let her run from me knowing there’s a possibility that I will never get her back.

TWENTY-SIX

INTERLUDE

Trending Instagram Post:

@HockeyHomegurlHattieIt’s your favorite girl with her ear to the boards with the latest and greatest of news. After months of speculation, it seems the rumors are true. After months of her absence at Vipers home games, the bunnies were buzzing wondering if @torrancebailey and @jazminnestarrauthor finally called it quits. Everything has been very hush hush with @torrancebailey never confirming or denying his breakup with the romance writer. #Letmeeaseyourpain. Well, of course, I’ve had to do some extra digging, crossing over to #booktok for more details. The bookish babes are chatting up a storm about the reports of @jazminnestarrauthor using @torrancebailey as material for her latest hockey romance books. #scandalous #burn #Iknewit She even went as far as including personal details about our favorite hockey player’s life in said book. Now, I don’t want to be banned yet again, so this is all rumor and hearsay my puck bunny boo boos. #innocentuntilproven But, I am sure we are all jumping for joy at @torrancebailey being back on the market. #agirlcanstilldream. The couple called it quits apparently after her ex outed her during an award ceremony months ago. The biggest news of all is that @jazminnestarrauthor literally ghosted. No one has seen her for months. No wonder @torrancebailey has been so morose, refusing post-game interviews and photo ops in public. But the Vipers are heading to play-offs #woot #hislossourgain. Let us mend your broken heart @torrancebailey. Good riddance @jazminnestarrauthor. Tell me what you think in the comments below. #crossingmyfingersIdontgetbanned.

Comments:

@Puckbunnybabe85Good riddance indeed. You called it @HockeyHomegurlHattie. I knew she was with him for own personal gain. If you ask me, we should all ban this book. How dare she tarnish hockey in this way. #banForPuckingKeeps #banjazminnestarr. Her books aren’t that good anyway. #girlbye

@Booklover69I love how judgmental you all can be in these comments without knowing the #realstory #thetruth. I love @jazminnestarrauthor We don’t know what happened between her and @torrancebailey. I’ve read an advanced copy of For Pucking Keeps and it’s an awesome read. #instalovetropesforever. I support them both and I hope they can fix what they broke in the end #teamstarrandbailey

@sticksandpucksboyJonnyWho cares! The Vipers are going to the play-offs. #GoVipers #Stanleycup #hockeyforever @torrancebailey delivered on his promise. I couldn’t care less who the man dates. There are more important things to talk about.

@bustyjadebunny32Running to my closet and finding my tightest dress. #pushingmyboobs together. I can heal his broken heart. I will make him forget all about her. What did he ever see in her anyway? He deserved better.

---