Page 59 of Guarded Rebellion

I had been forced into close proximity with him because it was his job to keep me safe, but over the course of the last couple of months, we’d forged a messy, uncoordinated union.

It can’t just be sex, right?

He was my first. I had zero experience with how sex could change things, but I didn’t want to assume I was naïve to think that we could grow closer together afterward. I felt the changesbetween us. The fact that he didn’t argue with me about coming here to sit with Kelly was a clear sign of his loosening up with me.

If it’s not just sex, then what could it be?

We were on the same page with one critical rule. I would be arranged in a marriage to someone of my uncle’s choosing. It was careless to assume I could sleep around or have a lover, a boyfriend, even a bodyguard-with-benefits before my engagement.

Yet, we’d mutually dismissed that expectation. We’d ignored it together.

What am I saying, that we could have a real relationship? That we could be together andstaytogether?

“I can’t see him being with me then letting me go to a fiancé…” I whispered aloud.

Even if he was open to that, I wasn’t sure my heart or soul could handle it.

Assuming Lev and I wanted to play with fire and be together until I was arranged to someone else…

I furrowed my brow, picturing it.

Would he still allow me to try to hold on to the “fallacy” of independence? Would he let me have my own thoughts and not dictate every part of my life?

I let out a long, deep breath, confident he would continue to grow with me in the newness of our connection.

Or am I getting my hopes up too high for something that’ll never be feasible?

I sat there, musing and deep in my thoughts with no clear direction.

Should I consider the risk of really opening my heart up for Lev to have it? Or should I continue to eschew the concept of love because no matter when or how I would be paired with a man, it would symbolize the damning end of my freedom?

25

LEV

When I checked on Eva in Kelly’s room, I found them both asleep. Kelly looked pale and delicate, lying on the white sheets of the hospital bed. Eva had only slumped over, her neck at an uncomfortable-looking slant as she dozed from the chair.

While I wouldn’t have minded a chance to admire her as she slept, I refused to make her stay here in that position.

“Hey,” I said gently, so as not to wake Kelly, too. Crouching down, I took Eva’s soft hand. “Wake up, b—” I cleared my throat, catching myself just in time from using an endearment with her. “Eva.” I squeezed her hand lightly.

She flinched, jolting upright with instant panic showing on her face. “Oh.” Breathing easier, she met my gaze before glancing over my shoulder at Kelly sleeping away. “I just dozed…”

I nodded, helping her stand. “It’s been a long night.”

With one more glance at her friend, Eva turned to leave with me. Rurik would remain posted outside Kelly’s door until I gave him further directions elsewhere.

Eva noticed him, too. “Is he staying all night?” she asked me.

“Yes. I thought it would make you feel better about her here.”

She furrowed her brow, awake, but seeming confused. “Thanks.” A few more moments passed before she lifted her blue gaze to me again. “Are you worried that someone might come to bother her again?”

I shook my head. After my talk with Rurik and a couple of other Baranov men I had assisting me, I was most concerned that whatever had been done to Kelly was an action to reach Eva.

“No. Someone drugged her to make her ill and weak, but not to kill her. The doctor who stopped to speak with me said she would feel unlike herself for several days but there would be no lasting effects from the drugs that he confirmed were in her blood tox tests.”

Eva relaxed at that, but she was so tired on the walk to the car and the drive back to the apartment that I couldn’t be certain how she was processing this news. We rode the elevator up to our floor, and I braced myself to catch her and carry her the rest of the way with how she was swaying and closing her eyes slowly, over and over.

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