Page 75 of Hazel and Elijah Find Out: First They F*cked Around

“I know. It’s not good.” I didn’t bother taking in the condition of my living room. I knew without looking that two weeks’ worth of dirty laundry, dishes, and takeout containers were still there. I was the only person who lived here, and if I didn’t care to clean it up, it wasn’t going to happen.

And I didn’t give a damn about a whole lot at the moment.

“All right.” He spun in a circle. If I knew him, he was looking for his nearest exit.

“What’s up, man?”

“Ah.” He grimaced and visibly shuddered. “You all right?”

I let out humorless laugh and gestured at the space around me. “No, I’m not great.”

There was uncharacteristic concern on his usually happy-go-lucky face. He pressed his lips together and nodded. “Come out. My brothers and I are going to the Outpost to watch the game.”

That sounded even less appealing than staying in my messy house. “No.”

“You cannot stay here.”

“I can.”

“Bro, it sucks. You feel like shit. Your heart got all torn to fuck.”

I waited for him to make a point as he let the pause become silence.

“And?” I prompted.

He shrugged. “That’s it. It sucks.”

I snorted, my smile feeling strange. “Wise.”

He laughed and gripped my shoulder. “I know. Come on, go get dressed. Come out with me and my brothers. I’ve already told them to not give you any shit if you talk about her all night.”

“They’re not gonna listen to that.”

“Nah, but at least I told them.”

With a sigh, I shook my head. “I really don’t want to go out.”

“Come anyway.”

It was on the tip of my tongue to turn him down. If I stayed, I’d just end up feeling like shit at home. If I joined them, I’d still feel like shit, but at least I wouldn’t feel like shit alone. And if he already warned them that I’d be talking about Hazel, then I wouldn’t have to feel bad about bringing her up all the time.

As if conjured by an internal timer, I heard her in my mind,You’re destroying me. My pain was my fault, but worse her pain was my fault, too.

My thumb had hovered over her contact in my phone so many times, but I couldn’t bring myself to call her. I wanted to apologize; I wanted to beg her to forgive me, but why would she? After I broke up with her like that, while she asked me not to, should she forgive me?

Swallowing back the memory, I said, “Fine. It’s not like I have anything better to do, anyway.”

The corners of his mouth pulled down. “That’s the enthusiasm I’m looking for.”

“Give me a few, I’ll get dressed.”

Almost a half hour later, I stepped onto the top stair, dressed to go out with my beard trimmed. I had considered shaving it off, but I’d paused with the razor inches from my cheek. I wasn’t ready to look different from the version of me that Hazel had loved.

I followed the sound of Seb’s voice toward my kitchen. “Sterling, what’s happenin’, man.”

They’d hung out a few times when I’d had different events—birthdays, graduation parties—so I knew they knew each other. Them talking on the phone was still abnormal, but not too weird. Since I could only hear Sebastian’s side of the conversation his, “No shit?” put me on guard.

Was Hazel okay? Was my mom?

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