Page 9 of Tide Over

I hear the door to the house close, and a moment later, Theo’s truck starts up. And I can’t help but think about how my presence here might impact him. From the sounds of it, he’s an integral part of this small community. His family runs the only store in town and he’s the captain of a seemingly successful fishing business he inherited. Plus owning a house like this andhaving a carpentry business on the side… everything seems so certain and safe for him. So what will this town think of some random guy suddenly moving into his house?

The sound of his truck fades away and I stay here in bed, looking out the window until the sky begins to brighten. When the sun peeks out over the water, I sit up in bed and watch as the yellow rays spread across the gentle waves.

This is all just so perfect, isn’t it…

With a sigh, I stand up and pull on a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants and head out to the kitchen. I find some coffee pods in a cupboard, and as I take one out, I make a mental note to replace it later. While my coffee brews, I look around the kitchen as the sunlight starts to stream in through the windows, highlighting the small details I didn’t notice last night. This house may be a work in progress, but Theo has made it his home in some subtle ways.

There’s an oil painting of a fishing boat on the wall near the entryway, and above the island is a driftwood pot rack which looks handmade. But what catches my eye is some children’s artwork on the fridge. I step closer, scanning the colourful pieces of paper. Does he have kids? And if so, where are they? But as I look over the drawings, I seeTo Uncle Theoscrawled across the pages. And I can’t help the small smile that tugs at my lips as I take in the pictures of rainbows, fishing boats, and what I’m assuming is Theo with two kids.

The coffee machine sputters as it finishes brewing, so I take my mug and wander into the living room, taking in the quiet and inviting space. Until I find myself in the room with the large bay window looking over the water.

I stand in the middle of the room as I take a drink of my coffee and watch some boats fade away in the distance. But guilt burrows deep inside me the longer I stay here, and my eyes drop to the couch. I feel like I’m taking something from Theo by beingin here, doing exactly what he said he wanted to do with this room. And as my gaze shifts to the wood stove in the corner, then back out to the beautiful view before me, I take a step backwards.

“Fuck,” I mutter, turning around and leaving the sunroom, heading back into my bedroom.

The familiar weight of guilt continues to press down on me for taking something from Theo, and I let it serve as a reminder for everything else I’ve done as I sit on the edge of the bed and drag a hand over my face. Until the tightness in my chest becomes overwhelming.

I need to feel this guilt. I need to hold it in my hands, and I need to let it hurt me.

Without thinking I grab my bag and dig out my phone, turning it on for the first time since I met Theo yesterday. I’ve kept it off for so long, shutting everyone out to protect them, and me… but I don’t deserve to be protected. I deserve the pain.

But when I watch the texts roll in, and my eyes land on one from my mom, the heaviness in the pit of my stomach grows and tears sting my eyes.

I stare at her name, leaving the text unopened as I let the hurt settle deep into my soul. She doesn’t deserve any of this. She doesn’t deserve a selfish son who caused our family so much pain, heartache, and loss.

I turn my phone off and toss it back into my bag. Suddenly, I’m walking towards the door and putting my shoes on. And when I end up on the dock, looking down into the dark water below me, I finally take a breath.

But I can’t take my eyes off the water.

I lower myself down to sit on the edge of the dock, remove my shoes, and slip my feet into the water. It’s freezing since it’s only April, and pins and needles quickly spread up my legs. But I keep my feet submerged, staring down at them as I welcome the pain from the icy cold water and the cold air on my bare arms. Thesensation is biting and sharp on my skin, and I close my eyes as I urge the hurt to grow bigger than the pain inside me.

But it’s not enough.

My hands land on the dock on either side of me, and I push myself off, and slide in. The water engulfs me, wrapping me in a heavy blanket of cold and quickly stealing my breath as my head goes under. I’m completely submerged, letting myself fall as deep as I can as my body begins to feel heavy, my chest tightens, and my arms and legs turn numb, making it difficult to move. I squeeze my eyes shut as tight as I can, and focus on this feeling. The pain, the numbness, the need to take a breath… I need to stay right here.I need to finish this, and make everything right.

But as I rise out of the water, gasping for air… all I feel is disappointment.

I grab the edge of the dock and hoist myself up, then lie back and close my eyes as I catch my breath. The sun is creeping higher into the sky, growing brighter with each passing minute and providing just the faintest touch of warmth to my icy skin. Seagulls call out in the distance, and a cold breeze brushes over me, making me shiver.

I’m so fucking weak.

My feet are still in the water, and I can barely feel them as they’re completely numb from the cold.

I wish the rest of me could feel that way too.

With a heavy sigh, I push myself up and start walking back up the dock, the numbness fading with each step as feeling returns to my feet. And I hate that.

Once I’m in the house, I get a shower and change into dry clothes. But I feel restless, and I have no idea what to do with myself. Until I’m back in the kitchen, staring at the wall between the kitchen and the living room. Theo has a small section of drywall removed and he’s disconnected the electrical to it, but that’s all he has done so far. I look around the space for tools,but since he said he hasn’t touched this in a while, I’m assuming they’re not in here.

My gaze slides to the kitchen window, across the driveway to the barn which houses his workshop. I stare at it, wondering if I should even go in there. It’s his space, and I already feel like I’m taking this house from him by simply being here while he’s out working. It’s obvious he doesn’t get to enjoy much of this place, so who the fuck am I to waltz in here and take what he’s worked so hard for? But the longer I stand here in front of this wall, the greater the need is to tackle it. Because I need to dosomethingto avoid being alone with just my thoughts and urges.

The air is a bit warmer now, and the midmorning sun shines on my face as I walk across the gravel driveway. The crunch beneath my feet, the gentle lapping of waves, and the distant cries of seagulls fill the air… which would all be such soothing sounds if I let them in. But as I push open the door to the old wooden barn, a calm feeling tries to slip past my defences. My eyes adjust to the dimly lit space before me, where sunlight filters through the dusty windows, casting soft beams over Theo’s workspace. I can’t help but breathe in deeply, taking in the scent of sawdust and fresh lumber, and step closer to the large workbench on the far side of the barn.

The other side of the barn appears to be storage for Theo’s fishing gear, with broken lobster traps piled up in a corner, and ropes, buoys, and nets hanging on the wall and from the high ceiling. But my focus is on the workbench before me, with a partially built shelving unit sitting on it. I slowly walk along the bench, taking in the pristine work, and find myself taking in another deep breath. That peaceful feeling I’ve been trying so desperately to keep out is attempting to take over, and for a brief moment, I consider it.

But I don’t. I can’t.

I close my eyes and run my hand along the workbench, letting the sharp wood pieces in the sawdust poke at my skin and bring me back to reality. When I open my eyes, I’m facing the wall where Theo’s tools are hanging. There are some scattered on the workbench as well, so I scan the space until I find a hammer and a pry bar. I take them, making note of where they were, and head back into the house.

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