Page 73 of Tide Over

I just can’t bring myself to go there.

My gaze shifts to what used to be my room downstairs, where my phone is buried at the bottom of my bag in the corner… untouched for the past two weeks. And before I realize what I’m doing, my feet are carrying me towards it. My hand shakes slightly as I pull it out and power it on, and I watch as text messages flood the screen. Some are from old coworkers and friends in Alberta… but my eyes zero in on the one I knew would be here.

Mom: We miss you, mo mhac. Please call when you’re ready xo

I keep my eyes on her words as I head out of the bedroom and onto the front deck. The cool drizzle in the air mists my skin, and the fog rolling off the ocean feels like a heavy blanket around me. But I need to be out here, for space to breathe.

My heart thunders as I stare down at my mom’s name. Then I hitcalland bring the phone to my ear. It rings twice before Mom’s voice answers, bright and filled with hope.

“Liam?”

I swallow the lump rising in my throat. “Hi, Mom.”

“Oh my god, baby.” She chokes up, and then calls out to my dad. “Ross! Come here, it’s Liam!”

I hear my dad’s muffled voice in the background, and I drop my gaze to the wet railing, gripping it to steady myself. I take a deep breath, trying to get my shit together.

“Liam?” Dad’s voice comes through the phone, warm and laced with relief. “It’s good to hear from you. How’ve you been?”

I take a shaky breath and sniff, hesitating for a moment as I try to add strength to my voice. “Alright. How are you guys?”

“We’re just plugging along,” Dad says softly. Then he pauses. “You at work?”

“No… I go back this week.”

“Good, good,” he says. “Hopefully you got some time to rest.”

“It’s been ok,” I murmur, closing my eyes and hating how awkward this is.

Silence stretches between us and my mind is both blank and frantic at the same time as I have no idea what to say.

“How are you holding up?” Dad asks gently, breaking the silence.

I rub a hand over my face as the chaos of emotions inside me rises, threatening to spill over. I stay quiet as I try to find the words to answer that loaded question, sifting through endless thoughts and feelings. My parents remain silent, waiting patiently, and giving me the space I need.

“I don’t know,” I say eventually.

“That’s ok,” Mom says quietly, her voice tender and full of love. “We know it takes time.”

I blow out a shaky breath, overwhelmed by how understanding they are despite the months of silence. My heart pounds in my chest so hard it almost hurts as guilt swirls inside me. But I try to push it down so I can muster up the bravery to ask about the rest of my family.

“How are Phil and Leah?” I ask, the words sounding like they’re miles away.

The last time I saw Nick’s parents was at the funeral, but even then, I don’t think I really spoke to them. I barely even remember being there as I just went through the motions, feeling trapped inside myself and wishing everything would just end.

“They’re doing ok, Liam.” Dad’s voice is gentle as he takes his time with his response. “They ask about you a lot.”

My throat tightens as tears burn the back of my eyes, and I lower my head to press my forehead against the railing. I don’t say anything as I try to just keep it all together.

“We’re always thinking of you, baby,” Mom’s voice trembles on the other end, thick with her own tears. “We just hope you’re doing the best you can.”

I draw a sharp breath in as I try to hold back my tears. But hearing her sniffle is breaking me, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this. Any of this.

“Do you think you’ll come visit soon?” she asks cautiously.

My gaze lifts to the fog-covered ocean, and I blink through the blur of tears. “I’ll try,” I whisper, not sure if she can even hear me.

But she does. “Ok,” she says softly, and full of understanding. “We’re here for you, my love. Whatever you need.”

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