Page 24 of Tide Over

It should have been me.

My family should be mourningme.

The rain continues to beat down on me, cold water soaking my clothes and seeping into my bones as I begin to shiver. As I blink away the raindrops clinging to my eyelashes, warmth suddenly rolls down my cheek. And a new kind of pain takeshold of me, as tears mingle with the rain streaming down my face.

The deep, hollow ache inside me finally takes over, and waves of emotion crash over me. A heavy weight presses on my chest as I desperately wish for things to be different, and to go back to how it all was before. But it never will. I’ve never had to face anything alone before, having someone by my side from the very beginning to help me navigate this life. Now, all I have are memories and pain. And I’ll forever live with the regret for the mistake I’ve made.

A sob escapes me, this pain greater than anything I’ve ever inflicted upon myself as it completely takes over. I can’t keep it out any longer as it forces me to feel everything I’ve tried so hard to keep out, and have been too scared to let in.

I collapse to my knees on the deck as my body folds in on itself, and I continue to sob. The cold, hard rain relentlessly pours down on me, refusing to let up. It just keeps coming, all at once… the rain, the cold, the grief, regret, anger, loneliness… It's overwhelming.

I want it all to disappear… and I also wish it would never stop.

I don’t know how long I stay here in the pouring rain, but eventually I find myself blankly staring out into the foggy ocean. I continue to sit on the deck as I shiver uncontrollably, my body and mind frozen from both the cold, relentless rain and the intensity of my emotions.

But my mind wanders to Theo, as I try to see through the veil of muted grey blocking my view of the ocean, and anxiety stirs in my stomach. He’s out there right now, in the pouring rain and dense fog.

Another tear slowly trickles down my cheek as I take a deep breath, and swallow down the fear. I don’t want to have to go through this again…

“Please come back,” I whisper into the rain.

I close my eyes and take another deep breath before I push to my feet. But as I turn to go back inside, I stop. As I look through the glass door at the warm, cozy living room, the fire roaring in the stove… I’m not ready for it.

I’m not sure where I’m even going as I step off the deck and onto the grass, still shivering and in my sock feet. But as my eyes land on the barn, I head that way.

The heavy rain drums steadily on the barn roof as I push the door open, stepping inside. I shiver as I flick on the light over the workspace, unsure why I even came in here. But as I glance around the space and take in Theo’s tools strewn about on the workbench, a subtle sense of calm washes over me. His presence lingers here, and I find myself taking in a deep breath. I move towards the tools as I once again try to bury the weight of everything I’ve been carrying. Working on the house has been helping with that, and right now, I need it more than ever.

There’s still some spackling left to do in the kitchen, so I grab the putty knife and spackle, and turn to head back to the house. But before I reach the door, I hear rustling from the dark corner of the barn where Theo stores his fishing gear.

I groan, eyeing the shadowy area. Please don’t let there be mice in here…

But as the rustling sounds again, I also hear a soft, little meow.

I carefully set the spackle on the workbench, squinting into the darkness. I don’t hear anything else, so I take a step closer. And as a bobber rolls across the floor, I see little eyes peering out at me from a tangle of bobbers and rope.

“Hey…” I kneel a few steps away from the kitten and extend my hand, but it remains huddled in its hiding spot, eyeing me warily.

“Who are you?” I ask softly, settling onto the floor and observing the frightened kitten. It can’t be any older than a couple of months and is all black and barely visible in the dim light.

As I sit here, watching the kitten watch me, I stay quiet and don’t make any sudden noises or movements. The rain continues to patter on the roof, creating a soothing backdrop to our quiet, tentative stare down. It looks like the kitten might have a sore eye, and I’d like to get a closer look. But I stay where I am and wait.

Eventually, a tiny black paw emerges from the rope and bobbers, stepping towards me. But a bobber rolls off the pile, and the sudden movement startles it as it retreats into its hiding spot.

“It’s ok,” I say gently, extending my hand again, slowly. “You can come closer.”

The kitten cautiously steps out again, approaching my hand and sniffing me. Then it rubs its nose against my finger, and I hear a soft purr.

I smile as the little kitten grows braver, inching closer and rubbing against me. It’s all black with a tiny white tip on its tail.

“Where did you come from?” I ask quietly, turning my hand over to gently pet its little head. The kitten purrs louder and presses even closer, rubbing against my leg. “Why are you here all alone?”

And as I sit here on the floor of Theo’s barn, surrounded by ropes and fishing gear with a lost, lonely kitten, I let just one more tear fall.“It’s ok. We don’t have to be alone.”

ELEVEN

I slamthe door to my truck as I get out and head towards the house, the rain continuing to drench my clothes like it has been all fucking day. The never-ending downpour and thick fog made for a horrible day on the water, and I’m soaked, cold, and in the worst fucking mood. It took all day to haul in our catch, get it to the buyer’s station, and get back to the marina. Now it’s almost 5:00PM, which means I’ve run out of time to tackle the other jobs on my list. So it looks like I’ll be spending the evening in the workshop.

A wave of warmth washes over me when I enter the house, and I close my eyes and release a breath as I finally get some relief from the cold rain. As I kick off my boots and shrug out of my jacket in the entryway, I peer into the kitchen and notice a soft glow coming from the living room. I move further into the house and see a fire crackling in the wood stove, and Liam sitting on the floor in front of the couch.

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