Page 23 of Tide Over

Theo takes the containers from me when we reach the kitchen, and places them in the fridge. When he closes the door, he turns to me and a beat of awkward silence passes between us.

“Uh,” he runs his fingers through his hair as he drops his gaze from mine, “I gotta get to bed.”

I nod. “Ok.”

He gives me a lopsided smile, but as soon as he starts to turn away from me, my hand snaps out to grab his arm and stop him.

Theo’s eyes widen slightly as they meet mine, and we stand in silence with my hand grasping his arm.

I don’t even know what to say, or why I did that. I just… need him to be here, with me, for a moment longer.

I just feel safe with him.

“Thank you,” I say quietly. “For today.”

Theo nods softly, and his eyes briefly drop to my lips, before they flick back up to look into my eyes again. “Anytime.”

And I don’t know what to make of the sudden lurch in my heart at that small movement.

I reluctantly drop my hand from his arm and step backwards, keeping my gaze locked on his as his eyes flick between mine, and his chest rises and falls with a breath.

“Night,” he says in a soft voice.

“Night,” I say, and it comes out almost in a whisper.

As he disappears into the dark hallway, I stay where I am, listening to the creaking of the steps as he heads upstairs.

Eventually, I release a sigh, and head into my room to lie on the bed and stare up at the ceiling, like I do every sleepless night.

I have no idea what that was. And I have no idea why it felt so good.

But I don’t get to explore that thought any more, because the next thing I know… I’m asleep.

And it’s the best sleep I’ve had in months.

TEN

The rain battersthe large bay window of the sunroom as I linger in the doorway, watching the outside world through a watery haze. The fog is thick over the water’s edge, obscuring the view just beyond the shoreline. But I continue to stare at it anyway, urging the rhythmic drumming of the rain against the glass to drown out the noise in my mind, and the questions swirling around inside it.

But as a chill ripples through me, I turn away from the window and retreat into the living room. I open the wood stove and light a fire, letting the flames gradually warm me up. But as the fire flickers and grows, the thoughts and questions grow a little louder in this quiet room.

I slept last night. For the first time in months, I fell asleep with ease, and didn’t wake all night. Not until I heard the soft creaks from Theo coming down the stairs and leaving for work. I’m still surprised by how relaxed I felt yesterday, going out fishing with him and spending time with his family. But I think it’s because ofhim. There’s something about him that seems to be drawing me in, and I don’t know what it is, or why. Even now, sitting here alone and staring out the window, I almost feel like Imiss him. And I think that’s because the only times my mind has been quiet, has been with him.

But he’s not here now. And the noise is getting louder, and louder.

I shouldn’t be feeling good. I shouldn’t be spending time with a family that isn’t mine, enjoying myself and pretending like nothing happened. Because something awful did happen, and it was my fault. And nothing will ever fix it. For me, or my family.

As I sit on the couch, I shift my gaze out the window and allow the heaviness to settle over me. The rollercoaster dips low once again, dragging me back into the depths of my sadness and pain. And the deeper it goes, the stronger the urge becomes tofeelthat pain.

My burnt fingertips push into the fabric of the couch, sending small bursts of pain up my fingers. But it’s not enough. My gaze drifts from the window to the fire before me… but despite the overwhelming urge to feel more, a voice deep within me begs me not to give in.

Which is the most confusing fucking feeling.

I don’t even register what I’m doing as I head for the door to the front deck, and step outside in my sock feet, sweatpants and t-shirt.

The rain falls on me in cold sheets as I just stand here, staring out into the fog.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I doing any of this? Why can’t I just end this, once and for all? To finally put myself out of my misery, do the right thing, and get what I truly deserve.

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