Page 74 of I Do With You

Ben looks back at Joy in confusion. “What’re you talking about?”

I’ve decided I’m not talking to Ben, but I am talking to my sister. “He’s not a CIA agent, Joy.”

“Riiight,” she drawls, tapping her nose. “I hear you. DefinitelynotCIA.”

“Why don’t we let these two fuckers figure their shit out?” Sean suggests to Joy, holding an arm out to invite her out of her own apartment.

“Charming,” Joy deadpans, scanning Sean up and down like he’s dog shit on her designer shoe. But she looks back at me, waiting for instructions.

“I know you have questions,” Ben rushes to say. “I’ll answer anything. It doesn’t matter now that you know.”

“It matters to me!” I roar, my anger returning in full force.

He shoves his fingers through his hair, wincing as he pulls at the strands. “I know. I didn’t mean it like that. I meant that I can tell you everything now.”

Joy whispers out the side of her mouth to Sean, “Wanna go to Let’s F*rk?”

“Is that a euphemism forfucking?” he answers hopefully, his right brow lifting as he looks Joy up and down.

She smacks him on the chest, not caring in the slightest that she doesn’t even know him and he looks like the serial killer she worried Ben was. “No, it’s a sandwich place. I’m hungry for lunch and had wine and chocolate instead.”

“Already ate.” His eyes return to Ben and me, watching us with zero expression on his face.

Joy doesn’t take no for an answer and shoves him back a step, though I’m pretty sure he moves out of shock, not because she’s that strong. “Wrong answer, asshole. Let’s leave these two—what did you so delicately call it? Oh yeah, leave these two fuckers to figure their shit out.”

Sean blinks slowly, looking at Joy like he’s seeing her for the first time and liking what he sees. She snaps her fingers in his face. “Don’t get any ideas. I don’t date G-men.”

“What about G-spot men?” Sean teases. Or I think it’s a tease because there’s a tiny hint of light in his eyes that’s new.

When they leave, Ben shakes his head. “I don’t know if that’s okay, but I need to talk to you. I can explain.”

“There’s no need,” I answer numbly. “You lied. The end.”

He refuses to hear that. “No. I couldn’t tell you, Hope. I’m not allowed.”

I huff out a humorless laugh. “Doesn’t seem to have stopped Sean from doing it.”

He nods. “I know, and he’s going to pay a steep price for that if you tell anyone. Did you tell Joy?”

Realization dawns. He’s not here to apologize or defend himself or ask for forgiveness. He’s here to make sure I’m going to keep quiet. “Does it matter? Or is that part of the game?”

“Game? What the hell did Sean tell you?” he growls, but doesn’t wait for a play-by-play. “Look, Sean and I are in a band. Midnight Destruction. We have been for years, but my stage fright is a bigger issue than I admitted to. I can’t sing onstage as myself. So he came up with the idea of costumes, masks, and all that shit. It’s a way to hide myself so I can do what we need to. But all that secrecy is a big deal to us. If people knew who we are, we wouldn’t be able to live our lives.”

“Musicians and actors live their lives every day,” I argue, not sure why I’m even entertaining this. I don’t care. I don’t.

“But I can’t. It’s too much,” Ben says, his voice full of emotion. “Maybe that means I’m weak, but it’s the truth. If my identity is revealed, I’m done.”

“Dramatic much?” I snap, still not caring. Nope, not even a bitty bit of care in this heart. I turned it off, like a light switch.

If only it were that easy.

“I saw you, Ben. That’s not what you do, not something you can walk away from like a job at the Piggly Wiggly. That’s who you are.” I point a finger to his chest, wishing I could stab him there so he’d bleed out the way I am.

“It is. It’s a part of me, but it’s a role too. To them—the fans, I mean—I’m a character they ascribe attributes to, reading into my everymove and gesture while they dissect every lyric. It’s a vulnerability I’m not strong enough to withstand as myself.” He grabs at his chest, yanking at his T-shirt like he’s disappointed at his own humanness. “But it was our way out. Sean’s and mine. So I did what I had to do. We signed our lives away, and one of the rules is, we can’t tell anyone.”

I glare at him, silently reminding him that Sean told me. “I won’t say anything.”

He sighs in relief, confirming that that’s what he’s really here for.

---