Page 75 of I Do With You

Angrily, I bite out, “I won’t say anything about you ever again. I’m going to pretend this was all a fever dream. I’ll probably wake up in the woods any minute now and realize I tripped over my wedding dress, bumped my head, and went unconscious for an indeterminate length of time. I’ll go home and Mom will take care of me, doing concussion checks every thirty minutes until she’s sure I don’t have a brain bleed.”

As awful as that sounds, I almost hope it’s true. It’d be better than the reality of this betrayal.

“No,” he growls, rising up to his knees and gripping my hips to pull me to face him fully. Up close, he says, “This is real. We are real. It’s all real.”

“I don’t believe you. You lied,” I answer. No matter how many times I say it, it’s really as simple as that. He can say whatever he wants, but I’m never going to trust him again. He played with the truth, with my feelings, with my heart too easily, and I’m too freshly whole to risk breaking.

Especially because Ben could do a lot more than break me. He could shatter me. Ruin me.

He might’ve already done that.

“Everything else I told you is true. My childhood, my mom, my arrest, my music, my heart. It’s all true.”

“Or was it a character you were playing?” I throw his own words back at him. “One you designed just for me, reading my train wreck of a life and dissecting what I might want so you could deliver it on asilver platter. I really am that gullible, aren’t I? Well,bravo, Ben. You made me fall in love with you. You win.”

He flinches and I’m glad my words are slicing into him as intended. I want him to hurt the way I do.

I’m mad at myself for not seeing through him, but the truth is, I wanted to believe in love. I’ve seen it firsthand, so I know it’s real, and I actually thought that maybe I was going to be one of the lucky ones who got struck by lightning. This was going to be our wild and crazy meet-cute in the woods and whirlwind falling-in-love story.

Instead, it’s another cautionary tale, of men who aren’t what they seem and stupid girls who believe them anyway.

I won’t be her. I refuse to be that girl. I ignored so many red flags with Roy, sweeping them under the rug and pretending things were perfect, and all it did was make me small, sad, and alone. This thing with Ben isn’t even a red flag. It’s a glaringly bright neon light shining directly into my eyes, impossible to ignore. If he can be this deceitful this easily, there’s no coming back from that. There’s no pretending I haven’t seen behind the curtain, and I don’t want to pretend anymore anyway.

I want real. I want passion. I want vulnerability and safety. I want adventure and fun. And I thought I’d found it all in one Ben-shaped package.

Now I’ll never say his name again. Oh, I’ll whisper it to myself as I fall asleep, sobbing into my pillow. But I need to continue this journey back tome. Ben’s been instrumental, literally picking me up out of the dirt to get me started, and I’ll always be thankful for that, but the next phase is going to be all mine.

I’ll be strong. I’ll be bold. I’ll expect more from myself and from others. I’ll set boundaries. I’ll use my voice to express who I am, what I feel, and what I want. I will take back the power I’ve given to Roy and then to Ben, seeing myself through their eyes instead of through my own.

I will become the best version of myself. Alone.

And I will stand proudly. Alone.

Until I’m ready to trust again.

I won’t give up on love entirely. But I won’t go in so blindly optimistic. I’ll have walls that’ve been constructed on damaged soil, and it’ll take someone special for me to risk building a future with them. One day, I’ll find him. And it won’t be easy, but I’ll do it right and create a foundation for a happy life, just the way my parents did.

That day is not today.

“I didn’t want to tell you like this, but I love you, Hope. I love you.” His dark eyes bore into mine, pleading with me to understand and believe. His fingers grip the flesh of my hips like he’s reassuring himself that I’m still within his grasp.

But I’m not.

“It’s not enough. I can’t do this.” I move a hand between the two of us. “Maybe we just got carried away.”

“Don’t do that. Don’t make it seem like this is less than it is.”

“Was. What itwas.”

I see the realization sinking in, watch as it sinks to the rock bottom of his heart, feel the moment all breath leaves him.

“You should go, Ben.”

He doesn’t move for a long minute, his eyes tracing over my face. It feels like he’s memorizing me for posterity. He gets up from the floor and walks to the door, his shoulders drooping for a moment before squaring again. He pauses there, his back to me and his hand on the knob. “I love you. Notloved—love.”

With that, he walks out, leaving the door open, and I can’t help but watch the way his strides eat up the hallway floor, taking him farther and farther away. I have a moment of weakness and almost call out, but I shove that stupidity down. I need to be better than this. I am better than this.

But then the tears come again, washing away all my strength, all my resolve, until I’m nothing more than a messy train wreck in the corner of Joy’s couch.

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