Page 54 of Everything I Desire

Porter

“Let’s go, everyone!” I yell impatiently from the front door.

We were supposed to leave twenty minutes ago, but Eric was late from baseball practice. And Addy is making a dinner picnic since Eric won’t have time to eat dinner before we leave, and I really just need them to leave the house. We are trying to go for a hike and time the summit with the sunset. But that means we need to leave, five minutes ago.

Addy appears with a backpack full to the brim. Kayla behind her with an equally full backpack. “Are we moving in up there?” I ask.

“You hush. You won’t be complaining when you’re devouring a chicken salad sandwich, pasta salad, and all the other goodies we packed.” She admonishes me.

I kiss her forehead. “You’re right, baby. Thank you. But we don’t want to miss the sunset so we really do need to get a move on.”

Eric parks his car right as we’re walking to the truck. He runs up and pulls Kayla in for a hug. I turnto the truck and roll my eyes as I load up all the shit the girls packed that I’ll end up carrying.

“Just remember, that was you and I once upon a time.” Addy laughs at me.

“Ugh, don’t remind me. I remember what I thought about, and did to you,” I shudder. Her laughter carries through the truck as Kayla and Eric climb in.

The four of us make small talk for the short ride to the trailhead. I can see Eric holding Kayla’s hand on the seat in the rearview mirror. It makes me wonder what would have been different had Addy’s parents supported our relationship. Would something still have happened to make me run? Or would I have felt like I had enough support to fight my demons as a kid?

Even though Kayla’s family is unconventional at the moment, and dysfunctional at others, I still think she feels supported by myself and Addy. Even Addy’s family reaches out to her to check on her. I’m glad that she feels that love on a daily basis now, and that she’s had Addy love her longer than this.

I park the truck at the trailhead and shake the thoughts of the past out of my head. We all gather our stuff, Eric and I carry the massive backpacks that contains a picnic for four, or twelve knowing Addy.

We finish the last bit of the scramble at the top just as the sun starts to descend on the horizon. The pinks, oranges, and reds streak across the sky,touching the mountain ranges on the other side of the valley.

Addy and I used to escape up here to see this sunset more times than I can count.

I pull out the blanket from Eric’s backpack and we set it out in our favorite spot, a flat slab of granite, for watching the sun go down above the river.

The view is phenomenal. Two mountain ranges on either side of the river, and the sun sets directly in the middle over the river below. The wildflower field along the river reflects the colors of the sunset in their petals. It’s truly a magical experience.

We eat our sandwiches in silence as the four of us just watch in awe. This is Eric and Kayla’s first time up here. I love getting to watch them experience it for the first time.

It has a therapeutic effect on you. Even though Addy has seen it hundreds of times over the years, she still sits the same way with her lips slightly parted, one knee up, one leg out. She leans back on her palms against the slab of granite we sit on.

I lean back with her and sigh contentedly. If anyone had asked me at any point in the last ten years if I thought I would be here today, I would have laughed in their face. But here I am. It’s an unreal feeling to know that I have Addy with me again. And having custody of my niece that I fought so hard for.

Eric and Kayla walk off to explore the summit some more before the sun completely disappears.Addy crawls over and slides in between my legs laying back on my chest.

“It’s still so beautiful isn’t it?” She asks.

“Not as beautiful as the woman in my arms.” I lean down and kiss her neck.

“You know, when you left I came here almost everyday. I used to talk to you. Like somehow the river below would carry my words to you.” She snuggles into me as a light breeze blows across our skin. "I couldn't bear going to the lake, but this mountain top gave me the comfort I needed."

“Addy, I’m so-”

“No. I didn’t tell you so you’d be sorry, Porter. I just wanted you to know that even if you were gone I still loved you every day. I have always had so much hope you’d come back for me. And here we are. Sometimes it still feels like a dream.”

I lean back on the rock behind me and just hold her. We don’t need words anymore. Not now that I finally believe the ones she’s saying about myself.

I’m home finally, and my home is her.

On the way home, a bad feeling has taken root in my gut. This immense feeling of dread seems to be permeating through the cab of the truck. Everyone is quiet, and looking out their own windows.

I can’t put my finger on what, but it’s a gut feeling I’ve learned to trust. I pause before opening the door and look at Addy.

“What’s wrong?” She whispers, looking around.

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