Page 29 of Touchdown

“Cody, don’t—”

I finish packing my bag and start dragging it down the hall. “I’m so sorry, Luke. For everything.”

Then I leave and don’t look back. I’m not proud of that. My therapist Cathie won’t be proud of me running again either, but I don’t think of Cathie in this moment.

I go to a hotel. It’ll take me some time to find a suitable apartment in the city. I give brief thought to finding another team. Playing with Luke is bound to be painful, but I’ve bonded with my team over the past few months. They’re like my second family, and I don’t want to leave them, even if it means things will be awkward between Luke and me for a bit.

I fall into the unfamiliar hotel bed and squeeze my eyes shut, willing myself to go to sleep, but I can’t. I keep seeing Luke’s expression of hurt over and over again. I hate that I hurt him, but I’ll hurt him—and myself—more in the long term by staying together.

I wonder briefly about taking the next day off practice but decide that I’ve been enough of a coward as it is. Better just to rip the band aid off.

When I arrive, already feeling fragile from a night of bad sleep, haunted by dreams of Luke, I expect Luke to corner me. I’m sure that he’ll insist on talking to me, on trying to convince me to give us another chance.

He doesn’t.

When he sees me, he merely nods coolly and moves on. I see a flicker of some emotion on his face, but it’s gone too fast for me to identify it, hidden by a blank mask.

I can’t pretend that I’m not hurt, but what right do I have to be? I broke up with him. What kind of person expects their ex to come running begging after them? That’s not who I want to be.

So, I do my best to treat Luke neutrally and professionally, just like he’s treating me. Things are tense and awkward. The rest of the team doesn’t seem to know what to say around us.

I’m worried about what will happen when we’re on the field, but I needn’t have been. Everything else aside, Luke and I play just as well together as we have for months now.

That, at least, lifts a weight off my chest. Us breaking up is bad enough. Our breakup affecting the team would make it even more unbearable than it already was.

After practice, however, Luke and I can barely look at each other. The pain etched on his beautiful face just crushes me. I just don’t know what to say to him. What do you say to the man whose heart you have broken? What do you say when you know you just weren’t good enough? “I’m sorry” just doesn’t seem to cover it.

I can only hope that as time goes on, it’ll get easier, and Luke will move on. He deserves to find someone to be happy with.

For my part, I know I’ll never find someone else. I don’t want to. There can never be anyone but Luke for me.

Luke, though… he should be happy with someone whole and undamaged, someone he can marry and truly give his heart to.

All I know is that person isn’t me.

11

Luke

Idon’t know how many days have passed since Cody left me. They all blur together. If life with Cody was a dream, life after him is a nightmare.

It wasn’t that I was unhappy before. It’s that now that I know what it’s like to be with Cody, being without him is like having a gaping open wound in my chest. I don’t know how to go on, but I have no choice except to do exactly that.

“Luke, can I speak with you, please?”

I nod dully. I don’t know why Brandon wants to speak with me. After all, Cody and I have been playing fine. When I’m on the field with him is one of the few times that I truly feel alive. It’s when we’re not playing that everything comes rushing back and I feel like I can’t breathe.

“Yes, Brandon?”

Brandon ushers me into his office and frowns at me over his desk. “I’m worried about you.”

“I’m fine,” I respond automatically. I’m anything but fine, but what else can I say?

“You are not. I see you, Luke. You’re falling apart.”

I bristle at that. “I’m playing fine. I’m eating and sleeping and training well. I’m fine.”

“Training, food and sleep are the bare minimums for existence, Luke. You barely talk anymore, let alone smile or laugh. I—we’re—all really worried for you. We think… We think you should see someone.”

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