Page 22 of Touchdown

Today is a practice game where half of our team will play against the other half. I expect us to walk out onto the field like usual for our pre-game walk through, but instead, Brandon takes me aside. “I’d like to talk to you in my office, please, Luke.”

Great. Judging by his concerned tone, I’m probably going to have to endure him questioning me about how I’m doing, and I have no idea how to begin answering those questions.

Once we’re seated in the office, Brandon’s first words surprise me. “You can’t play today.”

“What?” I squawk. “You can’t be suspending me! I told you, I didn’t do anything to Cody, you can ask him yourself!”

“Relax, Luke, you’re not being suspended. But you look like the walking dead, buddy. It would be downright neglectful of me to allow you to play in this state. Go home, get some rest.”

“That’s what I’ve been doing all week! I’ve been counting on this, Brandon.” I realize that I sound whiny and I can’t help it. “I need to play.”

I know Brandon is no stranger to relying on playing to help regulate your emotions, and his face softens in sympathy. “I can’t let you play, Luke, but you can watch and hang out with us afterward. The company will do you some good.”

“Fine,” I grouch. I really wanted to play, but if this is the best Brandon is going to offer me, I suppose it’ll have to do.

I watch jealously from the stands as everyone else runs through warmup and the game starts. As much as I hate to admit it, Brandon’s stupid team-building exercises do actually seem to have helped. The team is working together more smoothly than ever, but it looks empty and sad without Cody.

I viciously battle that thought back. I am not thinking about Cody, not anymore. Doing so just makes me sad, and I’m done being sad about this.

Cody is gone. He has cut me out of his life. I don’t know why, but I deserve better than that. Whatever happened, it couldn’t have been so bad that he couldn’t at least give me an explanation.

I need to move on and forget about Cody and our connection. Clearly, he didn’t feel the connection the same way I did, or he wouldn’t have left in the way that he did.

I need to move on with my life.

And I do. Slowly but surely, I do.

A couple of days later, Brandon lets me back into the gym and to practice, which does wonders for my mental state. We ramp things up, preparing for our next game. I go back to eating healthily and keeping a good sleep schedule. I learn to smile again and laugh with my teammates.

In most senses, I’ve moved on, but Cody is always there, in the back of my mind. I feel shards of pain stabbing my heart every time I turn to share something with him and he’s not there. I’m haunted by the future we might have had, like a memory of what should have been, except that memory never happened. It never became the memory it should have.

I’ve moved on, but I fear that I will never truly leave Cody behind. He’s made a mark on me, and I don’t think that I’ll ever escape from that. I’m not sure if I want to.

8

Cody

My inbox is exploding, but I can’t face it right now. I know that most of the emails are offers from other teams that have heard I broke my contract, but I can’t quite bring myself to open them. I know that once I do, I’ll be on the path of finding a new team.

I won’t have a problem finding someone who will take me. I know I’m a good player and I’m easy to work with. That’s not the issue.

The issue is that taking another offer will be leaving Luke and his team—my team—for good. I mean, I know I’ve already quit, but I still can’t bring myself to take that final step and sort out getting out of my contract early.

As much as I know that I need to stay far away from Luke, leaving him behind is easier said than done.

My traitorous feelings, instead of fading with distance, have simply used that distance to torture me. No matter what I do or where I go, everything seems to remind me of Luke. It’s like the world is conspiring to hurt me.

I’ll catch a glimpse of someone with chocolate brown eyes exactly like his, and for a moment think it’s him before takingin the real person before me or see a set of broad shoulders that looks almost like him until the person turns around and I get a glimpse of their full profile.

I find myself turning to Luke multiple times in the day, wanting to share something or the other with him, but of course, Luke isn’t there, and it’s all my fault.

Nights are the worst. I remember what it felt like to fall asleep with Luke, and more often than not end up crying myself to sleep.

Every day, I constantly question my decision to leave. This hurts so much; I’m starting to wonder if it was worth it. But every time, I come back to the same answer.

If it hurts this much now, when the feelings were just developing, imagine how much it would hurt later, if I allowed myself to fall fully in love with Luke, and he betrayed me.

I’d like to think Luke would never do that, but after Zack, I realized that I could never make that assumption of anyone.

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