Page 23 of Touchdown

I know I shouldn’t do it, but I can’t help but keep track of Luke. He has a the first big game of the season coming up. I wonder how he is doing and if he ever thinks of me.

In a moment of weakness and loneliness, I buy a ticket to the game. I want to see him again, even though he won’t see me. Especially because he won’t see me. Maybe if I just see him one more time, it’ll give me the strength I need to move on from him for good.

I wear sunglasses and a baseball cap- I don’t want to be recognized today and face awkward questions about why I am not playing. I make my way into the crowd, which is chattering excitedly. Everyone is here to have a good time. I’m here to mourn. I feel out of place and hope I don’t tear up as I see Luke come onto the field.

When my team—no, Luke’s team—finally comes out onto the field, my eyes are on Luke from the start. I’m too far away to seehis face, but I know him instantly him from his build and the way he walks. He looks as tempting as always.

For a moment, I imagine what it might have been like if things had been different. Luke and I could have been walking onto that field together. Win or lose, we could kiss afterward in the showers until our teammates told us to knock it off.

We’d go out holding hands and celebrate, then come home and make sweet love to each other…

Fuck, I am so not over him, and I don’t know if this is going to help, but I’m here now, so I may as well watch the game.

I quickly get drawn in, not so much to the game but to watching Luke move. I honestly have no idea what the score is as the crowd cheers and groans around me. The way Luke runs is like watching a predator chase down prey. He zones in on the ball and goes for it, and it’s beautiful to see.

In the end, our team wins, and I cheer along with everyone else. I watch as the team hugs ecstatically before bouncing off toward the changing rooms.

I know I should go home. I start going home, but my feet carry me in a different direction. They take me toward the changing rooms, just outside the entrance, where I know Luke will be coming out in a few minutes once he’s done showering.

This is a bad idea. What would I even say to Luke? I treated him horribly. I left with no explanation and then ignored his every attempt to check on me. He deserves better than that. He deserves better than what I can give him—a broken man with a shattered heart, too scared to let himself love again.

Yeah, this is definitely a bad idea. I turn to leave, but it’s too late.

“Cody?”

I grimace, wondering if I should just keep walking, but my body is once more moving without my permission. I find myself turning to face Luke. “Hi,” I say softly.

Luke flies at me, flinging his arms around me, hugging me so tightly it takes my breath away. “I was so worried!” Luke presses his nose into the side of my neck, and that small action nearly breaks me. I wrap my arms around him, hugging him just as tightly in return. “What happened to you?”

“It doesn’t matter. I just—I shouldn’t even be here.”

I try to pull back, but Luke isn’t having any of that. “No way. Not a chance. I am not letting you go again. We’re going back to my place, and we’re going to talk.”

“Luke, I shouldn’t—”

“It’s just one conversation, Cody. One conversation isn’t going to kill you.”

He’s right. I owe him this much.

“Alright. Don’t you want to celebrate with the team, though?”

“Fuck celebrating. You’re more important. Let’s go.”

We’re quiet on the drive to Luke’s house. He smells fresh from the shower and his damp hair looks almost black and slicked back. There are a lot of important things that need to be said, but neither of us wants to start saying them in the car.

When we get inside, I perch on Luke’s sofa, expecting him to sit opposite me, but instead, he slots himself behind me, pulling me into his arms.

I shouldn’t allow this, but it feels so good, I can’t bring myself to tell him to stop. “Talk to me,” Luke murmurs in my ear. “What happened?”

“I can’t. It’s better not to. I’ll just hurt you.”

“You’ve already hurt me, Cody.” There is no anger in Luke’s voice, just sadness. “Trust me, telling the truth isn’t going to make it hurt more. It may even make it hurt less.”

I hate that I’ve hurt him. I never meant to hurt Luke, but I was so worried about protecting myself that I gave little thought to what I was doing to him.

I sigh, relaxing into Luke’s comforting embrace. “It was exactly what I feared. I started developing feelings for you. I couldn’t let that happen. You know why I couldn’t.”

“But Cody, we talked about this from the start. We said that if you started feeling things that scared you, we could pull back. There was no reason for you to up and leave. If you’d told me you needed to walk things back between us, I would have respected that.”

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