Page 33 of Silent Cravings

I couldn’t be here anymore. All those laughing, happy women in the other room. All they did was remind me of what was irreparably broken inside me. I would never be like them because I would never be able to let go of the pain. I hadn’t processed it. I had only covered it up, shoved it down deep, and now it was exposed like a raw nerve after having a tooth pulled. Every little thing that brushed it made it throb with unimaginable pain.

“Sweetie?” My head snapped up at the sound of my mother’s voice, and I had never been so glad to see her. Why hadn’t I told her about this before? She would understand now. I knew she would. Mom always understood.

She crossed the room, arms extended. “You’re ready to drop. I knew you were working too hard on the wedding,” she fretted, even touching the back of her hand to my forehead like she was checking for a fever. “You should go to Rose’s room and lie down. I would hate to see you miss all the fun out there, but you need to take care of yourself. Rose will understand.”

I longed to tell her. The words were right there, on the tip of my tongue. But it would only ruin things for Mom in the end. She was so happy for Rose and Colton and thrilled for Olivia and Lourde. This was no time to overshadow that.

“I think I am a little burned out,” I agreed, nodding slowly, taking sips of air through the pinhole my throat had tightened into. “I might go home, honestly. I didn’t think it would hit me like this.”

“Honey, by all means. And hey,” she whispered, taking my face in her hands. “Your sister would love to pitch in wherever she can. So would I, for that matter. These final weeks are going to be so hectic. Please, let us help you if wecan, all right? The wedding won’t be any good if you can’t enjoy it.”

At this rate, I wondered if I would ever be able to enjoy anything. There was something broken in me, so broken I didn’t know if it was possible to fix it. Any ability to compartmentalize was gone. I had lost control of myself and was spiraling in a way I never had.

“I’ll take it easy when I can,” I promised, though, of course, I didn’t mean a word of it. Sometimes, a girl had to tell her mother what she needed to hear.

Nobody else noticed me slipping out while Rose tore into another one of her many gifts. Life was so fucking unfair. One of my best, lifelong friends, somebody who had never been anything but supportive and sweet, and I didn’t have it in me to stick around for her shower because I was too busy feeling sorry for myself.

If only it were really that simple. The fact was, I couldn’t handle the reminder of what had almost been mine.

And how I didn’t know how much I wanted it until it was all gone.

12

EVAN

“What do you think?” I asked Colton as we strode toward the clubhouse after finishing our game. “Do we have what it takes to impress everybody the weekend of the wedding?”

We’d just finished eighteen holes on a glorious Sunday, and I was flying high. The wedding was two weeks out, plans were being finalized, and already word had spread of the influential Black and Goldsmith families choosing my country club for the site of a gala wedding. Serena was up to her neck in inquiries with curious callers asking to reserve space all the way into next year.

The only thing dampening my spirits was my best friend’s scowl when I turned his way. “We have a problem,” he announced, lifting his sunglasses to give me a narrow-eyed stare.

My stomach dropped. “What is it?”

“Why the fuck did you never invite us out here to play before now?” He barely managed to get it out before laughing.

Noah, Miles, and Lucian cracked up at what must havebeen relief written all over my face. “You never asked for an invitation,” I reminded him, giving his shoulder a firm but friendly punch as we continued across the emerald lawn separating my two businesses.

It was a gorgeous day, perfect spring weather, and the pleasant buzzing of bees and fluttering of birds added to the sweet smell of fresh-cut grass and what was already coming to life in the gardens we cut through on our way up to the clubhouse dining room. It was downright idyllic, and I’d made it happen. Not the weather, but everything else.

“I remember visiting out here when we were kids. Senior year,” Noah recalled. “Your dad treated us to a game next door to the club, remember?”

“That was before your family owned the golf course?” Miles asked.

“My family never owned the golf course. I owned it,” I explained. “My father never had the vision.” He never had a lot of things.

We reached the rear veranda and Colton turned around, folding his arms as he scanned what stretched out in front of us. “It’s perfect,” he declared. “Look at that lake. I’d love to take a boat out on it.”

He then pointed to an unused lot on the other side of the lake, overgrown but still picturesque. “You ever think about buying that lot? You could put up a hotel. Create an entire resort experience for your guests.”

“Let me guess,” Lucian joked. “The Black family would oversee construction.”

“What’s wrong with that?” he asked while the rest of us laughed.

“I thought about it,” I confessed, waving everyone inside. It was a beautiful day, but what I needed more than anything was a cold drink after spending hours in the sun.

“He’ll have more than enough on his plate once photos from the wedding get published,” Lucian guessed as we took seats at the bar opposite the windows overlooking the gardens. There were a couple of men in polo shirts like ours parked on stools who raised a hand in greeting, and most of the tables throughout the dining room were in use. It was a bustling afternoon, and every sale rung up at the register was sweet music to my ears.

“Mr. Anderson.” Right away, I recognized Serena’s breathless voice, along with the level of stress it held when she found me.

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