Page 32 of Silent Cravings

It wasn’t until I stopped at the ladies’ room between classes that I noticed there was anything wrong.

Standing back, I watched Rose’s guests surround her, squealing and giggling, all of them telling her how beautiful she looked and asking about the baby. The strange, almost sick sensation that had washed over me at the engagementparty worked its magic again. Somebody sucked the air out of the room while a cold, sick sweat coated the back of my neck. “I’m going to see if Sienna needs help,” I told Aria, escaping to the kitchen like my life depended on it.

No, no. Not like this, please. I didn’t know what to do. I hadn’t even been to the doctor yet. I hadn’t figured out how to tell my parents, and now I was bleeding.

“Hey, you.” Sienna and a couple of Rose’s friends finished setting up a tray of drinks, which one of the girls carried into the living room. “You look a little flustered,” she informed me after looking me up and down.

“I’m okay. It’s just… a lot out there.” I winced, and she giggled.

“I know. My ears are ringing, and I’m not in the room with them. So long as Rose is happy,” she concluded, refilling a tray of pastry wrapped something or other from a tray she took out of the oven. “I covered the catering, but why I didn’t think to hire servers for this, I have no idea.”

“Because you’ve got me here, obviously.” It was something to do, and I needed something else to focus on. “Put me to work.”

“Do you ever just relax and enjoy yourself?” she asked, handing me the platter of hors d’oeuvres. “Knock yourself out if it means that much to you.”

“What a strange way to say thank you,” I muttered, making her laugh as I left the room. Was I turning into Evan, deflecting with humor whenever things got too uncomfortable?

“I can’t wait until you pop,” one of the girls gushed to Rose as I wound my way through the room. “You are going to be the cutest little pregnant lady ever.”

“Where’s that hunky fiancé?” another girl asked. There were so many unfamiliar faces that I was a little lost. Rosehad a lot of friends from work, both girls who modeled for the company and girls who worked in the offices. It was a real family environment.

“The men were forbidden from showing their faces,” Aunt Lourde announced. “Now, why don’t we start opening gifts?” The applause the idea earned told me everybody was eager to get started.

“We should’ve made this a double shower,” somebody suggested while I gathered napkins and empty plates to take back to the kitchen. “For the wedding and the baby. Two birds with one stone.”

Something was wrong. I had told myself for hours that everything would be fine, but everything was anything but by Friday night. I only wanted it to be. Once I got so dizzy, I hit the bathroom floor. Aria heard me and opened the door even when I told her not to. There was no way to hide it now.

After hours of pain, I didn’t want to.

“Swear to me.” I squeezed her hand until she winced. “Swear you will never, ever tell anybody about this.”

“What if you need to go to a hospital?” She looked so scared, eyes wide, and face pale. She looked a lot like me, come to think of it, remembering my ashen complexion when I caught my reflection in the bathroom mirror after she helped me to my feet and practically carried me to bed.

“If it doesn’t slow down by morning, I’ll go to the hospital,” I promised. “But I don’t want to go unless I really, really have to. Okay? Please,” I whispered, squeezing her hand even harder.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” she asked quietly, with tears choking her.

“I don’t know. I didn’t know how to tell you. And now…” All I could do was lie down and curl into a ball as the finality of what was happening washed over me. There was no baby anymore. The baby I didn’t know what to do about, the baby I was unsure of, was gone.

Now I knew how much I had wanted it.

Her.

There was no way of knowing if I was having a girl or a boy, but somehow, I was sure I’d just lost my daughter.

“I’m going to stay with you.” She crawled into bed beside me, pulling the blankets up over both of us before wrapping an arm around me. “You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to. Just one thing, though. Does the father know?”

I couldn’t hold back the sob that tore through me when I thought of Evan. We hadn’t spoken in three weeks, ever since he left for Harvard. He’d tried to reach out through texts and calls, but I didn’t bother answering. Not that he ever said anything substantial or meaningful.

Evan:Talk to me, we can work this out, I’m behind whatever you decide to do.

Something between us had shattered the night I told him about the baby. He was like a different person, a friendly acquaintance instead of the guy I spent the summer sleeping with after knowing him for four years.

“He knows,” I eventually whispered when the crushing pain passed.

She must’ve known better than to ask who he was because she didn’t bother. I doubted she had any guesses. We had kept things quiet. There I was, thinking he wanted to keep our group from blowing up if they knew we were sleeping together, but I knew differently. He never intended for us to be more than a fling—somebody to fuck around with before he moved on with his actual life in college.

And after I told him the following morning, I knew for sure he was more relieved than anything else. He didn’t feel sorry for me.He didn’t feel sorry for what we had lost. The complication was out of the way.

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