Page 199 of One Big Little Secret

But I fly after him, wrenching it open again.

“Wait, come back!” My voice bounces off the empty stairway as he runs down two steps at a time. My legs are shaking too much to chase after him. “Patton, please. Not like this…”

But it’s too late and it’s my own stupid fault.

My knees finally give out as the killing truth sinks in.

I fall on the steps, shoulders shaking as I cry, every bitter emotion I’d been suppressing flooding the surface as the sound of Patton’s footsteps slowly fade into a biting wind.

24

ALL BETS ARE OFF (PATTON)

Iwaste about an hour, mindlessly driving around Kansas City in a windstorm before I’m calm enough to go back to Mom’s.

I should have fucking known she’d self-destruct.

A few weeks in paradise can’t overcome a lifetime of trauma at the hands of her asshole parents.

I’m strong, but I can’t keep her together.

Not when she doesn’t trust me enough to let me.

Not when she doesn’t believe in herself like I do.

Not when I dropped those haunting words—I love you—and she couldn’t goddamn say it back.

Whatever happens with Arlo, she’s signaling it’s over.

The worst part is, I want to hate her and I can’t.

Hate would be so much easier than whatever this stewing emotional chaos is.

Anger, yes. But also a hurt I didn’t think I’d ever feel—the kind that tears out organs.

All because she’s a prisoner to this bullshit idea that she’s Miss Unlucky.

I chew on my thoughts so hard I accidentally bite my inner cheek.

The blood is just the icing on this rancid cake tonight.

The city is deserted with the chilly wind and it’s approaching midnight. A couple lonely, determined joggers sprint down dark streets.

Once, I might’ve joined them on a night like this that’s made for soul-eating thoughts.

Not now.

Not while my son is in the hospital.

You’ll always be in his life.

Her cruel promise drifts back to me and there’s so much to unpack there. I don’t have the brains or the balls to go back and hash it out with her.

How will co-parenting work when she’s on a fucking boat somewhere?

It’s clear she doesn’t expect me to be there by her side.

Does she want me to just hang around and wait until it’s convenient for her to come back for the odd weekend when I can see my son? Will I need a lawyer, hounding her for visitation rights?

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