Page 22 of Why Not Now?

“Yeah. I had to work that night.”

“Right. Well.” I hesitate, then decide to spill everything. “I saw Derek. He asked if we could be friends, and he wants to take me out.” She opens her mouth to say something, but I stop her, rushing to add, “Just as friends. He said he wants to help me love Christmas again.”

She stares at me for a long minute before saying, “And you said yes?”

I roll my lips together and nod. “I went to his house on Monday. He hosts this game night for his friends.”

“Games?”

“Yeah. Card games and stuff.”

“Like poker?”

I laugh. “No. A game called Fluxx, followed by a couple rounds of Cards Against Humanity.”

She blinks at me. “You’re speaking English, but I don’t understand what you’re saying.”

I shake my head with a smile. “It doesn’t matter. The point is, I went over, and I had a good time. It was nice being out with other people my age, just having fun, not worrying about bills or if I’m doing a good job raising Lacey or if my car is going to get me where I need to go.”

Bethany reaches over and places her hand on mine. “Ava. You put too much pressure on yourself.”

I laugh. “I’ve always been that way. Even in high school and college.”

“I didn’t know you went to college.”

“Before my parents died. I was in a photography program. I would have ended it with a diploma.” I grimace. “It was one of the things Derek and I fought about, actually.”

“He didn’t want you to do photography?” she asks, aghast.

“The opposite. It was a two-year program. I’d completed a year and a half when my parents died. He said I should finish it. I said I needed to get a job.”

Bethany gives me a sympathetic look. “I see both sides of that argument. On the one hand, finishing the program might have helped you get a job you would like. On the other, you needed to take responsibility right away. It would be a difficult position.”

“It was.” My voice cracks as I remember that time. “I was juggling so many things. Lacey’s gymnastics had to be paid. My parents didn’t have a Will so everything was insane with that. Derek kept trying to be helpful, but all his suggestions kept making me more stressed.”

“Did you tell him that?” she asks.

“I—Maybe not.”

“Well, you were in the midst of some pretty heavy grief. And you were very young. Makes sense that it might have slipped your mind.”

She makes a good point. I never told Derek how his suggestions made me more anxious, even though deep down I understood he was only trying to help. If I’d mentioned it, would he have stopped? Would he have stayed?

“What are you going to do now?” she asks. “You’re just going to be his friend?”

I groan, dropping my head into my hands. “I don’t know. When he said that thing about Christmas, I couldn’t stop thinking about how it used to be. How much I used to love the holidays and how much I miss that joy. It’s probably a terrible idea. Especially since I’m still incredibly attracted to him. Those freaking grey sweatpants!”

Bethany laughs. I’d told her the story about them after it happened. “That’s something I’d have paid to see. Derek in grey sweatpants. I love Will, but he doesn’t evenowngrey sweatpants.”

I peek up at her with a smile. “Sounds like you know what to get him for Christmas, then.”

We giggle over that for a bit until our cook, Ryan, comes out of the back. “I’m all done back there. See you guys later.”

I follow him to the door, locking it behind him. When I turn back, Bethany is behind the bar, turning off the coffee maker and wiping down the counter.

“What are you doing?” I ask. “You’re off the clock. I’m closing tonight.”

She shrugs. “I figured we weren’t quite finished our conversation. Might as well help while we talk. So to recap, you want to do this Christmas thing because you miss how much you used to love the holidays. But you’re attracted to Derek. Do you want him back?”

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