Page 23 of Why Not Now?

I open the dishwasher at the bar and start putting away the cups. There’s the million dollar question. The one that’s been keeping me awake and distracting me from my busy schedule. I pause with a cup in my hand, turning it around and around before looking at my friend, who is waiting patiently for my answer.

“I don’t know. My life paused when my parents died. In the last few months, since working with Cindy, it’s finally started again. Maybe my dream of being a photographer isn’t the only thing I can get back. He made me feel wanted, Bethany. Like I was special.”

“So youdowant him back.”

I sigh and continue emptying the dishwasher. “He’s the only man I’ve ever loved. The only one. But he also broke my heart. Before that he was my best friend for a long time. I miss the person I used to be when I knew him. I wantthatperson back. Maybe he can help me find her.”

“How?” she asks as we move into the kitchen to turn off the hot pass and double check the back door lock.

Another excellent question. I can’t let Derek back into my heart. He broke it into a million pieces when he left me. But that knowledge doesn’t stop me from thinking about the almost-kiss we’d shared at Blue Vista or the sense of belonging I experience around him. The longer I think about it, the more I want to feel that way again. Like I don’t need to do anything or be anyone other than myself to make him smile.

When we’re finished cleaning and cashing out, I set the alarm and lock the door, and we walk to our cars.

“You know,” Bethany says. “You are allowed to do something for yourself every once in a while.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You’re always trying to do everything on your own, taking care of Lacey, working yourself to the bone, all that. But it’s okay to put yourself first. You want Derek back, or even if you just want him, it’s okay to go after that.”

“I don’t know if I want him.”

“How many times in the last couple of months have you thought of him in those grey sweatpants?” Bethany asks with a smirk.

Okay. She has a point. But still. “I’m going to drive home,” I tell her. “I’m going to climb into my bed and stop thinking about him and go to sleep.”

She shoves my shoulder. “Sure you are. Use protection.”

She climbs into her car and drives away. I sit in my driver’s seat, drumming my fingers on my steering wheel. I should do what I said to Bethany. Because, even though I can clearly remember the softness of his curls beneath my fingers, the electric sensation of his lips on my skin, even though I want to experience it again like I want my next breath, it’s a step in the direction of getting my heart broken.

And yet, for so long, I’ve been existing. One minute to the next. Even the sexual partners I’ve had have just been going through the motions, scratching at an itch that is never quite relieved. I want to feel again. And the last time I felt alive was when I was last with Derek.

It’s 10pm now. Lacey is asleep. I slide the key into the ignition and start my car, calling myself a fool, but driving out of my neighbourhood, anyway.

Chapter 8

Derek

OnemoredayuntilI see Ava again. Okay, yes, I have been counting. And resisting the urge to call or text her, asking if she wants to see me as much as I want to see her. But I’d also printed her schedule out and I know she worked earlier tonight and last night. She’ll be tired. I drag a hand through my hair as I approach my door, pushing thoughts of her away. Not that it’ll do much good. She’s all I’ve thought about since Monday. Since September.

Just home from work, Abyss rushes to greet me as soon as I’m inside. I pick her up, stroking her soft fur.

“At least our relationship isn’t confusing. I do everything you want, and you get to be the queen you are.” I set her by her bowls and fill them. She eats and I move to my living room, flopping onto the couch. I untuck my shirt and remove my belt, but I’m too lazy to go upstairs to change into more comfortable clothes.

I stayed at work late tonight so I can leave early tomorrow. Now, I’m not ready to go to bed, so I reach for my phone, pulling up a novel on my reading app since I’m also too lazy to go upstairs and get my eReader.

I read a couple chapters about a wizard in Chicago, a book I’ve read a couple times before, and I’m considering if I should keep reading or go to bed, when a call interrupts my book.

Ava’s name flashes across my screen and my heart starts racing as I wonder why she might be calling.

“Hello?” I answer.

“It’s me,” she says without preamble or explanation. “Are you home?” Her breathing is a little rushed, like she’s nervous.

“I am.”

“Are you alone?”

Abyss is curled up on my lap. That’s not what Ava is asking, though. She wants to know if I have a woman over. I want to tell her it’s none of her business. I want to tell her she lost the right to ask me that when she told me to leave. Instead, I say, “Yes.”

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