Page 17 of Under Their Protection

Anika

I am pacing mybedroom on the verge of a meltdown. We should be leaving for my parent's house in twenty minutes but I am going to freak the fuck out first. My body is buzzing as the anxiety swells inside of me. It almost feels like pins and needles are stabbing through every nerve in my body, all while my gut is threatening to turn inside out.

“Hey,” Rowan says as he opens the door. If I stop pacing I will explode, so I don’t. I ignore him. “What’s wrong?”

“I think I’m having a panic attack?” I say as if it’s a question. Rowan steps in front of me and holds me in place by my waist. That should make me feel some type of way, but it doesn’t make its way through the panic.

“Close your eyes,” he says. I listen to him and squeeze my eyes shut. “Take a deep breath. Three seconds in and hold it then slowly exhale. Don’t think of anything other than breathing.”

I do as he suggests and focus entirely on counting my breaths. After a few rounds of this, I finally relax and Rowan drops his hands away from me.

“Thank you,” I whisper.

“You don’t have to go, Anika,” Rowan says softly.

“Yes, I do.”

“How about this… You give me any word. If you get overwhelmed and you call it, we are out of there. I don’t care what’s happening or what’s being said, I will stand you up and walk you out of that house.”

“So a safe word. Which is funny considering I’m the one who’s fucked,” I sigh.

“Yes, a safe word,” he chuckles.

“I’ll stick with what I know. Red,” I say. I hear a knock at the door and give Rowan an odd look. “Who’s that?”

“Mia,” he says with a smile. I have so much to tell her and I think he knows that. He hasn’t brought up that he very clearly knew I was getting myself off last night. He will probably tell Max, if he hasn’t already.

I smile and step past Rowan to answer the door. “Hey beautiful,” Mia smiles. I push her back and shut the door behind me. “Oh god. What happened?” She looks amused.

“Have you talked to Max?” I ask.

“I sure have,” she grins.

“So, you know that he’s an evil lady blue baller?” I ask.

“Yeah. He said when you went to bed you looked frazzled. Why?” she asks as she sits in a chair on the porch.

“Uh. Well,” I say as I pace. “I may or may not have decided to take care of myself.”

“Okay. I figured as much. Why is that bad?” she asks.

“Well. I was using that evil rabbit one, right? Well, I didn’t hear Rowan coming until he knocked on the door. I tried to turn it off, but I turned it up.”

“Oh no,” she laughs.

“I was stupid and answered his knocking while I was literally on the edge of coming. He opened the door and told me about the alarm but then fucking smirked at me before he left. I immediately came when he shut the door. Probably way louder than what I thought. I am very positive he knew what was happening. Let’s not forget that you were right and he does want to fuck me but he was vague about it and told me that the ball is in my court,” I explain. “Oh and Max wants to go to The Cherry tonight I think. Which we all know what that means.”

“Which is?” she asks with a smile.

“That I am definitely having sex with him. Finally,” I say as I stop pacing and face her.

“And that bothers you?” she asks.

“Kinda. Yeah,” I sigh.

“Why?”

“Because I don’t know Max in that environment. I know the flogger and the crop. I don’t know what to expect and add in the fact that half the time I find myself repulsive for no good reason and it makes me freak out and run away. I don’t actually want to run away, but I also have this fear that we will get to that point and suddenly he will agree with everything I’ve been told by my family and Isaac. I’ll be that fat, ugly, and useless woman that everyone elsethinks I am and that will be one more person who I miraculously disappointed.”

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