Page 43 of You Can't Hurt Me

“As she tossed the pregnancy test in the kitchen bin, she told me her plan. She would have an early termination. She was on her way to qualifying as a psychotherapist and had a big sculpture show coming up. And here I was, on the verge of publishing my paper about the real possibility of a pain-free existence—ironic, given the circumstances.” He lets out a hollow laugh. “And so many findings were based on her. I remember her shouting at me, ‘The most interesting thing about you will always be me.’ She was right. Without Eva, there was no pain research. No publicity, no world interest. We agreed to carry on, that I would support her decision to terminate her pregnancy, there would be no children.”

“And none of this came out at the inquest?”

He scans my face, seeing the doubt reflected there. “I didn’t say anything because I wanted to protect her. I didn’t tell a soul about the affair or the pregnancy. If I’d said something, the press would have had a field day. I couldn’t bear that.”

“You didn’t feel uneasy, holding back that information from the police?”

“There was no reason to tell them by then.” His face is riven with fresh anxiety. “Perhaps I’ve told you too much. I should have—”

“No, I had to know. I won’t tell anyone, and none of it needs to go in the book. But, Nate...do you ever talk about it with her? Priya?”

“Never. Priya adored her, she was devastated when Eva died. I think that’s why she’s so obsessed with this memoir, desperate to get it published. I guess it’s her way of closure, to set the record straight.”

“And what about you and Priya? You’re not...”

“Never, no. I promise you it was only ever really about Eva. I was mad about her.” He touches his hand to his chest, reminiscing. “But in the end, her compulsion to seek out new experiences made me feel I wasn’t exactly the novelty she was looking for.”

Not for the first time I wonder if there was a strange codependency at the heart of their marriage. Her self-destructive flaws were the key to him being the perfect scientist, to be seen to be caring for her while using her to find a cure for pain. I suspect that unconsciously he didn’t want it any other way.

“So why did you do it?” I ask. “Why did you say yes to the book, why continue to work with your wife’s ex-lover, knowing all this, that it’s all so—complicated, such a mess?”

“I owe Grayson another book. And as I say, it was Priya’s idea, not mine. But lately I’m not sure it’s worth a book contract, or that I can preserve Eva’s legacy.” He gives me a wistful look. “What can be gained by constantly raking through the past? Who’s it really serving?”

You, I want to say, but something holds me back. Maybe the nagging sense that what he’s told me still doesn’t make sense, it doesn’t quite fit. Something about the time frame...

“Sorry, Nate, where did you say this lecture was?”

“At the Rosen.”

“Okay, and when did it happen, I mean, how long before she died?”

Nate looks down, frowns with the effort of remembering. “I guess it must have been March. That’s when I was working on that particular paper, so three months before she died.”

“Three months,” I echo. “You’re sure?”

“Yes, completely sure.”

“So, you’re telling me that after the day you discovered she was pregnant, you made up and life returned to normal?”

He hesitates. “Normalisn’t the word I’d use. True to her word, she had an early termination and I supported her through that. It wasn’t easy but we made a go of it. We had always been a team of sorts, but maybe just not a very romantic one. We needed each other. Everyone loved her at the clinic fundraisers. My reputation as a neuroscientist would help her in the psychotherapy field. We worked as the golden career couple.”

He sits back, folds his arms, waiting for my reaction.

“It sounds so cold, so transactional.”

He shakes his head, looks down.

“Look, I realize I wasn’t exactly a sympathetic ear for her. I was wrapped up in my research, not thinking about the emotional toll of her condition. It must have tortured her, feeling she couldn’t have children because of the genetic risks. I was in my own denial.” He shakes his head. “I’ll always have to live with that.”

I don’t say anything for a moment, glance up at the couple sitting next to us who are about to leave. One of the waitresses is cleaning the glasses, there’s the solid clunk of cutlery as she circles each table, laying them for supper.

Something dark flares inside me, a deep unease. Is this guilt all truly genuine? He’s still evasive about Priya’s affair with Eva, notably lacking in detail. There’s something about it all that doesn’t ring true, Priya’s and Nate’s body language when they interviewed me, the familiarity between the two of them. As if they’re in this together. I also wonder how he could have forgiven Eva so easily. Although it could explain why he had been so upset when he saw me taking a picture on my phone.

I sigh. “You do know it’s going to change everything, all the work we’ve done so far?”

“All I know is that I wanted to be honest with you. It’s such a relief to talk like this.” He sits up straighter, his eyes alight. “Thanks, Anna, for listening. You don’t know how good it feels to finally share all this with you.”

As we walk back along the beach to head home, the curve of a new moon turns the shoreline to silver. We reach the car park, the woodland on one side now shrouded in darkness.

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